Red Roses

Sarah's leading a wild life. She's finally found the right man.

Sarah kicked the door shut with the back of her foot, tossed her keys and handbag on the table by the door and made a bee line for the kitchen. She opened the fridge and, arms akimbo, contemplated its contents. She jumped as something brushed her leg.

“Jesus, Snowy! Can’t you meow like all the other cats? Don’t you sneak up on me like that, you silly girl.”

The white Persian cat looked up with round eyes and emitted a soft meow.

“Yeah, right. A bit late don’t you think?”

Sarah scooped up the cat with one hand and took a bottle of white wine from the fridge. She poured a hefty measure in a wine glass and, Glass in hand, she went to the living room, kicking off her shoes on the way.

Sarah sat on her recliner, put Snowy on her lap, took a long swallow and deposited her glass on the low coffee table by her side. She leant her head on the headrest and closed her eyes. She absent-mindedly stroked the cat, which purred contentedly.

“Why’s my life in shambles, Snowy?” she asked the feline.

Snowy turned to Sarah, blinked once then closed her eyes as if to say there she goes again!

“Why do I seem to attract the wrong guys? I’m not a bad sort, am I? All I want is a kind soul, someone to lean on, someone to hold my hand and love me for what I am, not for my physical attributes.”

The purring increased in volume as if to drown out the woman’s voice.

Truth is, Sarah was what you’d call a looker. With her flamboyant ginger hair, freckles, upturned nose and her twinkling blue eyes, she could never pass unnoticed wherever she went.

“Could Willy be the one, Snowy? Of course I’ve only known him for a week, but he’s never tried any monkey business. He’s always been so sweet, caring and.. and.. well, I like him. Unlike that b*****d. I don’t even remember his name.”

She shuddered inwardly. Images of that terrible night came unbidden. She’d had one over the eight. He’d made eye contact, smiled and she’d crumbled. He was good looking. That much she remembered. He’d taken her outside, behind a dumpster, in a dark alley and…. She shook her head. How could she fall so low? And then she’d driven home, completely wasted. It’s a wonder she hadn’t killed anybody or herself. It was a good thing that a cop stopped her. She saw the flashing red and blue lights of the police car and pulled over. That part she remembered quite well.

The cop, a young man no older than 22 or 23, swaggered towards her car, hand on his holstered gun and, like the cops in American movies, said:

“keep your hands where I can see them.” (I’ve always wanted to used this line in a story)

“Good evening Oshifer,” slurred Sarah.

“License and registration please, Ma’m.”

“Sure. Here. Washa problem?”

“Step out of the vehicle, please, Ma’m and wait right there.”

The young cop went back to his car and returned with a breathalyzer.

“Here. Blow in here, please.”

“Do I really have to?”

“I’m afraid so, Ma’m. Smells like you’ve been drinking.”

“Oh, jush a glash o’ wine white with a friend. But if you inshisht, here.”

The policeman looked at the apparatus and whistled.

“Looks like you’ve had a stiff one tonight, Ma’m.”

“Oh! Does that show as well?”

The doorbell mercifully pulled her out of her reverie. 

Puzzled, she went to open the door thinking it was certainly Sandra come for a drink and a chinwag. Sarah looked through the peephole and her heartbeat accelerated. There, on the stoop, was Willy, her new beau. He clearly had an embarrassed smile on his face and appeared to be fidgeting. She opened the door with a smile of her own.

“Good evening Sarah,” he said, “I hope I haven’t come at a bad time.”

“Uh.. no.. uh.. not at all. I’m glad you came. Please come in.”

Like a conjuror, Willy brought out a bunch of red roses from behind his back and offered them to Sarah who couldn’t believe her eyes. Did people still offer roses? How romantic! She turned around and sprinted towards her bedroom, calling out:

“Please come here, Willy!”

Slightly intrigued, Willy followed her into the bedroom and found her stark naked (that was quick!) with her arms and legs spread wide open.

Willy’s mouth sagged.

“This is for the roses, Willy,” she declared in a sultry voice.

“Don’t be silly,” replied the stud, “surely you can find a vase somewhere.” 

Reviews

[Nusquam Esse]

Unfortunate situation with this here lass; one which affects a lot of women, although 'hopefully' not quite so extravagant. Now, I could go on and on about the paradox behind Sarah's actions... or I could stick to the humour you so pride yourself in. :P I am left wondering, is it sheer coincidence that 'willie' might be the one who loves her for who she is on 'the inside'? All things considered, I am thinking this name to be an unfortunate situation unto itself. For me, I got a real kick from the line about 'stiff ones', I wonder if the officer caught what she said? As for the 'case of the missing vase', I hope those roses at least had their thorns removed. Otherwise, our dear Sarah will regret this one more than a night behind dumpsters. After that it will be another night sipping wine while stroking her white p***y.... is she a gilf by chance?

[Woody]

Gosh, thank you for an interesting and hilarious review, Nusqua :)
I guess I had an ulterior motive when I chose the guy's name. as for Sarah, she does come out as an old hag (gilf haha) but I assure you that's not how I made her. she's just a girl who couldn't get her s**t together. just waiting for a lucky break.
the thorns and the white p***y.. priceless!!!
I hope you're back for good, now. you've been missed.

[Nusquam Esse]

What can I say, Persians are renown for their rugs... ;)

[Woody]

hahaha this one I'd never heard before. I had to look it up :)))

[Jacob Clifford]

This story contained not one, but *two* punchlines, and I enjoyed them both. Sarah certainly leads quite a rambunctious life, doesn't she?

[Woody]

true, her life's not plain sailing but I quite like her in spite of everything. she never got a lucky break, I think.
thanks a lot Cliff. such a pleasure to see you enjoy my quirky stories.

[LastMonth]

I tell myself, Don't expect the finisher.
This isn't that kind of story! This is a serious story by woody, there's no 'Finisher' coming up.
This might end up sadly.
----
And bam.
You really caught me by surprise. How silly is that? that I'm caught by surprise by something that I should've expected, this being maybe the 4th or 5th story of yours I read in the last couple days.

Anyhow to the review.
Great story, laughs aside, you have a real messege here. You reap what you sow, I guess.
But man did that last line get me good.

Great story Woody, Thanks for supplying the goods once more.

[Woody]

hahaha in some stories, I like to lull the reader into a false sense of seriousness (?) and like a little kid I enjoy surprising reviewers, hoping to make them smile.
thanks a million my friend :)

[LastMonth]

Well you did surprise me!
And not in a bad way.
Keep up the good work man.
(Even though I'm reading your stories waaaaay after you posted them.)

[Woody]

no problem at all :) better late than never, eh?

[barleygirl]

This is one of your best pieces of writing, as well as a great double-edged spoof. Your pacing is very well done & the best part is the way you crafted the drunken dialogue, which sounded perfect! The final spoof did unfold in a bit of a rush, but it all works to lead up to your silly innuendo. Frankly, I liked the first spoof much better (very funny & clever), about having a stiff one, in her conversation with the cop! *smile*

[Woody]

your sweet praise is much appreciated, B. I do tend to rush the endings, judging by the remarks of some reviewers. but then if I want to end with a twist, surely I need to stop there and leave it to the imagination of the reader! (scratching my head)

[barleygirl]

I think your rushing is an attempt to not give the reader a chance to think ahead & try to guess what you're up to . . . it's kinda like hunting or catching one of my pet rabbits with my bare hands. Gotta get it done quickly or the desired target might bound away!

[Woody]

spot on, Inspector!!!!! never give them a chance to second guess you!

[alifeacoustic]

Nice one Woody. I hope they had been de-thorned :)

[Woody]

hah I admit it didn't cross my mind to have him de-thorn them before he set off to meat his girl :)
thank you alife. your visits are always appreciated.

[James]

I knew there was going to be a joke in there somewhere, but I didn't see that coming. That made my night.

[Woody]

I'm super glad you enjoyed this one, James. I started the story on a serious note. I wonder how you knew it was going to be funny.
thank you very much for stopping to read and comment, J.

[James]

You never disappoint. I'm having a ball.

[Taylor]

I enjoyed the playfulness and the punchline. Good work!

[Woody]

so sweet of you. thank you. was afraid I'd shock a few ladies. my intention of course was purely for entertainment.

[Solar]

The narrative and the action - a cornucopia that doesn't get too corny, judicioussly spiced with innuendo and asides... neither does it puss-foot around the protagonists - well-plotted.

[Woody]

I'm glad you didn't find it corny. thanks heaps, mate. with all her faults, I like Sarah. she's a good girl at heart.

[Solar]

Not at all corny - and yes the narrator-voice didn't come across as judgemental - the scene, the props etc set a very human vulnerability in context.

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

Hehehe...you're always as witty as ever with your endings. A vase for the rose!

[Woody]

you're too kind Nadia. you're spoiling me. again thanks for stopping by. I really need tyo catch up on my reviews. I'll see you around.

[Caitlin Renee]

I did not see that coming! Made me laugh pretty good.

Very nice lead up and well-timed punchline, that's difficult to do in print.

[Woody]

thanks loads Caitlin. I'm elated you liked it.
sorry about the late reply.

[Beccy]

Wonderfully written as always Woody; the dialogue between Sarah and the young cop is really good and the one liners are priceless.

“Looks like you've had a stiff one tonight, Ma’m.” “Oh! Does that show as well?” I found utterly hilarious,
and as for "this is for the roses, Willy," blushing here...

Beccy.

[Woody]

you always make my day Beccy. thanks a bunch, wonderful poetess :)
I'm off to work with a spring in my step.