Reminiscing

two old timers chewing the fat.

The redbreast hopped daintily on the ground. Its head moved jerkily this way and that. It pecked on the ground at a crumb or an ant or possibly a careless worm coming out for a suntan. The bird cocked it head when it heard a warble coming from one of the saplings in the park. It peeped once then flew up in the air in a clear disregard to gravitation.

“Nice out, isn’t it?” said Sam, slouching back on the park bench.

“Yes, but tuck it back in, someone might come along,” said Will, averting his eyes from his friend’s crotch.

The two old friends were enjoying the gorgeous spring afternoon, after weeks of horrendous weather. They’d been cooped up for way too long and had decided to meet at the park for a dose of clean oxygen before adjourning to the pub to poison their kidneys. Such is human stupidity.

“Can I ask you a personal question?” asked Will, tilting his head back and closing his eyes against the glare of the sun.

“Ask away.”

“What’s your sex life like these days?”

“Huh! At my age? What sex?”

“Come on!” said Will, “are you saying that you’ve packed it in?”

“You know, Will, I’ve come to realize that sex is terribly overrated.”

“How so?”

“Well,..” started Sam then stopped, waiting for a passing old lady to walk out of earshot. She was walking a ridiculously small dog that was straining at the leash. The old lady looked a hundred.

“Easy, Rambo,” said the lady in a tremulous voice, making it sound like she was walking a fearsome German shepherd.

“What is sex, after all?” resumed Sam when the lady was safely out of earshot. “Put it in, jiggle it about a little bit then take it out again. Big deal.”

“I’m surprised you have such a low opinion of love making, Sam. What happened to the indefatigable stud I know?”

“Ah, those were the days, my friend,” replied Sam with a sigh.

“You know, when Ferret was young..”

“Who’s Ferret?” Sam wanted to know.

“My.. thingy, you know,” said Will, pointing to his groin.

“Haha, apt name!”

“What d’you call yours?”

“Dwayn the Rock. But I’m thinking of changing it into Sponge Bob.”

“Hahaha!! I like that.”

“In the words of the poet: what used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout.”

“AAh I remember that one. Go on finish it!”

“I think it’s something like:

It used to be embarrassing

The way it would behave

For nearly every morning

It stood and watched me shave

But as old age approaches

It sure gives me the blues

For now it hangs its withered head

To see me clean my shoes”

“Oh boy, remember the laughs we had at the pub, with the girls, and more than a few drinks under our belts? We could get any girl we fancied in those days, eh Partner?”

“Damn right, Buddy,” said Sam with a wistful smile, “today, put me with a lady and I’ll be as useful as a one-legged man at an arse-kicking party.”

The two decrepit friends burst into laughter which startled a flock of birds that flew in a flurry. When the laughter subsided and Will wiped his tears with the back of his hands, Sam said:

“You know, when I die, I hope I’ll come back as a stallion or an elephant.”

“Are you serious?”

“Oh yes. I saw this documentary on National Geographic and let me tell you that those ladies must be the happiest of the animal kingdom. What about you?”

“Never thought about it really. I’m not particular really. Though, come to think of it, I wouldn’t wanna come back as a bat.”

“Oh! Why’s that?”

“Have you seen how they sleep with their heads down and butt in the air?”

“So?”

“Well, when I get on in age, I’d be terrified of incontinence.” 

Author's Note

trying to kick-start my writing.

Reviews

[Jacob Clifford]

This story is laid back and enjoyable. It's slow paced and, as the title would have one believe, reminiscent. There is humor throughout and it comes packed with your trademark punchline. But contrary to the other stories of yours that I've read, this one felt very human. I like it.

[Woody]

yes you're right. but I guess that's a good thing, in a way. some elicit a hearty laugh, others would make the reader smile and shake their head. this one's laid back. glad you liked it. and thanks for another good review, my friend.

[Shabeeh Haider]

One can turn to you when one needs to smile. This is so amusing. The poem, the description and the names. All done so well.
Keep up the good work. All the best.

*shabeeh*

[Woody]

thank you so much Haider :) what a pleasure to know you've enjoyed this one!

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

And kickstart you did! Hahah I loved everything about this. The poem. The names for their little friends. The friendly laughs and years gone by the shared with one another. Very delightful humor!

[Woody]

thanks loads Nadia. I'm elated you liked this one. all my characters seem to have a screw loose. tells you something about their creator.

[Taylor]

Oh, Woody, you've really done it this time. I laughed out loud at the end while smiling throughout. No real suggestions, except "tuck it back in." I'm not sure that adds -- makes it sound as though the old guy is exposing himself, which I think would take the story in a direction which would detract. You've hit the nail on the head, no pun intended.

[Woody]

thanks a million Taylor. so glad this made you laugh. my characters are often a little "bent" but I have fun trying to bring them to life.

[Jimmy Yetts]

Worse than bats are politicians; they sleep with their heads up their asses--and expect to be well paid for it. (But then, I suppose, the "well paid" part ain't so bad.)
A skillfully written, entertaining piece that even offers some bits of wisdom.
I'm a buyer, Woody! Check's in the mail.

[Woody]

haha a picture of your politicians popped in my head and made me laugh. I sure would hate to come back as a politician when I die. I'd be terrified of diarrhea. ugh!
thanks heaps Frankie.

[MsJewel]

I love your detailed descriptions, never giving too much, but just enough so I feel like I was there, sitting in the park eavesdropping on this hysterical conversation. Great writing my friend!

:) Julie

[Woody]

thank you Dear :) all my characters seem to be a little loopy. I have no control over them.
glad you didn't think this was crude.

[Beccy]

Nothing wrong with borderline smutty; it's the staple diet of most stand up comedians, (at least the ones I've seen.) :)

[Beccy]

Woody, you are indefatigable. Just really enjoyed this and the poetry is aces.

Beccy.

[Woody]

aah I needed this, Beccy :) thank you, Dear. I was not quite sure of this one, to be honest. borderline smutty perhaps? oh well, when I don't write for a long period of time, I become fidgetty and there's no telling what weirdness my mind will birth.

[Marie]

THis is funny writng--though not my sort of thing. However, you can come up with a better ending. Maybe something about the redbreast.

Also, I think a better last line for the poem would be "To see me clean my shoes."

In any case, it's good to see you wriing again.

[Woody]

thank you very much Marie. I had a feeling you'd have reservations about this one. well at least I don't often write about that sort of things.
that last line of the poem gave me trouble. I should've thought of "see". thanks. I'll edit it.

[Delmar Cooper]

Are you trying to be funny? Speaking broadly it's working. And by the way I give you the DC stamp of approval on anything that "kick starts" a story. Beats looking at a blank page and fact of the business one thing leads to another and before you know it presto change-o your story has transmogrified into what you thought you would write back when you thought writing was easy. You still remember that decade, right?

[Woody]

haha I certainly do Delmar. it's not for me to say but I feel the latest writes (barring this one) are better than the earlier ones. the people I've met hear did me the world of good.
thank you for stopping by, my friend.

[Delmar Cooper]

Down here we say "did me a power of good" and if you're from way up in the hills or way back in the swamp you say" parr" of good and roll those r's a bit in the back of your throat.

[Woody]

good to know :) but where's "down here"?

[Delmar Cooper]

Alabama USA