Anniversary

a shocking discovery... revelations.

“Come on, Mildred!” shouted George irritably from the living room, “for God’s sake, I’ve been waiting for the best part of an hour!”

“Comiiiing!” shouted Mildred back from the bedroom.

He was sitting on the sofa, facing the TV.

George was short, on the dark side, eightyish, froglike with a wisp of snow white hair and sad drooping eyes, behind black-rimmed glasses. He hated waiting for his wife. Don’t we all? Today, he was taking his wife to a restaurant to celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary.

He picked up the remote and started flipping through the channels. ISIS killed 21 Christians in Libya. Boko Haram kidnapped 43 little girls in Nigeria. Car bomb in Irak. France, Australia, Denmark. “God Almighty!” muttered George, “what’s the world coming to?” He flicked the TV off and was about to call again when Mildred swept down thw staircase. His breath caught in his throat.

“Oh,Milly, you’re stunning,” he breathed.

“Oh, come off it, old man!” said Mildred coyly and spun around in her red dress. The Woman in Red! In spite of the wrinkles, the white hair at the temples and the slightly stooped stance, Mildred still retained a lot of her beauty. Her twinkling blue eyes, her upturned nose, her radiant smile and high cheek bones would snag the attention of any man, though she’s well past her seventieth birthday.

“You’re good enough to eat,” stated George, “I’ve a mind to take you straight to the bedroom and forego the meal.”

“Not on your nelly, old timer!” snapped Mildred in a mock-stern tone, “been looking forward to this meal for the past coupla weeks. Besides,” she added with a smile, “I’m not quite sure of the outcome, at your age.”

George pretended to be hurt.

“Have I ever let you down?”

“Only a dozen times in the past six months.”

“That’s unfair…”

“Only kidding, honey. You’re the best. Now, let me take a look at you. Oh God, look at this tie, George! drooping like your shrivelled.. uhm."

"Milly, you can be wicked and mean, at times!"

"George! You're not cross, are you? You know I like to tease you. And you know perfectly well that I love your Jade plant," said Mildred with a smile.

"Oh! I thought you meant.."

"Don't be silly! Now, let me fix this. There! Now you look as dashing as the day you asked me to marry you and fainted when I said yes.”

When they left the house, Mildred threaded her arm through George’s and they set off on foot towards the “Silver Platter,” one of the trendiest restaurants in town.

The sun was shining brightly though there was a nip in the air. People of all ages were in the street. Many out on their lunch break. Some children with schoolbags on their backs going home (the children, not the schoolbags, naturally), chatting and laughing. A street artist with a ponytail and a moustache very much like that of Dali. Overkill. He offered to do their portrait but they declined politely.

They walked past a shwarma stand, saw customers waiting eagerly as the man behind the makeshift counter shaved juicy slices from a spinning, fat-topped cone of spiced lamb. The aroma of the meat wafted their way and George felt his mouth water.

George and Mildred arrived at the “Silver Platter”. The door was wide open, leading to the dim dining area, backed by a curtain of wooden beads. Parting the beads, they walked in. they were greeted by a smiling youth in a black tailcoat and bowtie.

“Welcome to the Silver Platter, Madam. Sir.”

“Thank you,” said Mildred with a smile.

“Have you booked, Sir?”

“Yes. Name’s George Armani. And, no, no relation to George Bush.”

Not getting the joke or possibly finding it lame, the waiter checked his list and replied:

“Ah yes. Mr Armani. Please come this way.”

George took his wife’s elbow and followed the waiter. Once seated, they ordered their drinks. Champagne, of course.

While waiting, George took his wife’s hands across the table and looked her in the eye.

“God, I love you to bits, Milly.”

“I know, honey and I love you, too. I hope I won't jinx us but how is it possible that a love can last so long?”

“AAH but you forget what my job was before I retired.”

“Archeologist? What’s that got to do with the price of fish?”

The waiter came back with their drinks and George waited for him to depart before answering:

“Honey, an archeologist is the best man a woman can wish to marry. The older his wife gets, the more he’s interested in her.”

“Very funny, silly boy,” said Mildred, chuckling. “can’t you be serious for five minutes?”

“Can’t help it, darling. That’s the way my maker has made me.”

“Huh! God has nothing to do with it,” scoffed Mildred.

“God? No, I meant, Woody.”

“Woody? Who the hell is that?”

“My, OUR maker.”

“What are you talking about, silly man?” asked Mildred with a raised eyebrow.

“Sweetie, I’ve been meaning to tell you this for days. I’ve only put it together recently.”

Mildred looked at him unblinkingly: “George, you’re freaking me out. Is this another of your silly jokes?”

“No, Mil, I promise. Do you think we’re real people?”

“What kind of a question is this? Of course we are real people.”

“No, we’re not. Sorry.”

“Ready to order, folks?” asked the waiter by their side.

“Jesus, Christ!” exclaimed Mildred, nearly jumping out of her skin. “Don’t you come sneaking up on me like that young man!”

“I’m so sorry, Madam,” replied the young man, contrite.

“Give us a minute, please,” said George.

He turned to his wife and said: “I’m sorry if I’ve upset you, honey.”

“Upset? I’m shocked. My husband has taking leave of his senses.”

“Honey, I’m not mad, believe me! We are characters in a story. Woody created us. That’s what he does when he's not... frolicking or whatever he does.”

“Jesus! Or I should say ‘Woody’, from now on.”

“Listen, this shouldn’t spoil our anniversary. At least I hope Woody wouldn’t get a stupid idea and end the story with one of his sick twists.”

“let’s order!”

“Yeah, let’s eat. I’ll explain later how I found out. I’ll tell you about this site I stumbled upon on the net. Writerscafe.”

 

The waiter had brought their meals and George dived in immediately. Mildred sat watching him eat while musing on what she’d learned. The young waiter noticed she wasn’t eating and came to enquire if there was a problem.

“Something wrong with your food, Madam?”

“Oh no, the food’s fine. I’m just waiting for the punchline to this story and hoping I don’t starve to death before Woody thinks one up."

"Woody?" asked the waiter, puzzled. "Who’s Woody?"

"Your creator. For Woody’s sake! Did you think you were a real person?"

Author's Note

longer than the usual short ones and possibly not so funny. we'll see. I hope you like it.

Reviews

[Norman 223]

What d'you mean, not funny. Its brilliant!! Real humour often has has a serious element behind it.You introduces tenderness , familiarity, and even misunderstanding which culminated in the whacky and totally unexpected ending.
Great to see you back again. missed your offbeat humour .
Norman

[Woody]

aah Norm I keep promising to come back for good. my life is in a bit of a shambles for the moment.read moreaah Norm I keep promising to come back for good. my life is in a bit of a shambles for the moment.
thanks heaps (again) for stopping to read and of course, I'm overjoyed you liked it.
I'll soon go by your page. promise.

[Kaliope]

"...possibly not so funny" - oh Woody, get out of here! Whoah, no wait! Turn back, it's just a figure of speech, for god's... uhm.. wait.. Woody's?...or Kali's? sake??? Darn, I'm confused now. Which one was supposed to be the omnipotent maker? Well, I guess we all are. Kind of. Or maybe we're just the servants of the weird voices in our heads ;-)

But seriously, I love this story. It's endearing and clever and definitely made me giggle a fair few times.

[Woody]

OMK!!! I come back from an errand and find this sweet surprise. thank you Dearie for dropping in. so so glad you liked it.

OMK looks better than OMG.

[Kaliope]

OMK... yeah, I like that! I hope it catches on ;-) Although... OMW looks nice as well...

[Woody]

ok from now on, I say OMK and you say OMW

[Kaliope]

Hehe... Deal! :-)

[alifeacoustic]

Love it Woody, write down my street. Slightly jealous I never thought of this. I couldn't get the idea of the couple being the tv characters from the seventies from George and Mildred, which I used to love as a nipper and the surreal-ness of the writer just plonking himself down in the story midway through. Glad they didn't take their revenge on the writer though, you never know how these flaky characters we creat might act :)
Superb, love it.

[Woody]

why, thank you, Sir. glad you liked it. I didn't know about George and Mildred so I went and looked them up on youtube. I had a good laugh, thank you.

[several thousand]

Strong and very enjoyable characters.
The beginning could be neatened up I thought. The reader needs to feel placed.
First paragraph describing their walk to the cafe didn't make sense to me? Maybe you could cut the walk out of it altogether?
A few punctuation errors too, no big deal though.
Over all, a witty write. Liked it a lot!

[Woody]

thank you very much for your input, Poet Face. I appreciate your taking the time. I always welcome critiques. however, I also enjoy defending my writes :) so concerning that paragraph, I felt the need to describe the setting. sort of making the reader walk along with the characters, looking through their eyes. I didn't want to jump from the house to the restaurant. I'm surprised you felt that as a distraction. removing such descriptions might make it look more like a joke than a story. I'd be thrilled to hear your point of view if and when you feel inclined to discuss it further.
thanks again :)

[several thousand]

I understand your point.
Describing the setting is a good idea and I think you could do it better.
I'm not the smartest cookie but I really couldn't get my head around this paragraph:

"The sun was shining brightly though there was a nip in the air. People of all ages were in the street. Many out on their lunch break. Some children with schoolbags on their backs going home (the children, not the schoolbags, naturally), chatting and laughing. A street artist with a ponytail and a moustache very much like that of Dali. Overkill. He offered to do their portrait but they declined politely. "

[Woody]

ok! gotcha now. I'll need to do something about it,definitely. thak you so much PF. much appreciated.

[Terpsichore]

'longer than the usual short ones and possibly not so funny.'

Don't be so self deprecating Woody. This reads like a really well written script; and punch line or not, you have a unique way of giving your characters life; and that my friend is a gift.

T

[Woody]

thanks a bunch Terps. this goes straight to my heart. yeah I sometimes worry too much. I'm overjoyed you like this one.

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

Hahaha. That was cute and sweet. And interesting turn of events, inviting your aura into the story (as the creator, who you are indeed)!

[Woody]

the funny thing is I had a completely different idea when I started this then that idea popped up and I went with it. Woody Almighty! I must be crazy.
thank you Nadia. you've spoilt me today. I'll certainly return the favour soon :)))

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

No you're noooot...you're just the sanest cuckoo! :)

[Woody]

hahaha but a cuckoo all the same.

[Frank]

Uhm...
uhm
uhm
uhm
uhm
uhm

[Woody]

lol apparently I've created a smart Alec who figured it out. I hope I won't have a mutiny on my hands.
thanks a lot for stopping by Frank :)

[Moonie]

Oh my woody!!! This was hilarious. I was waiting for the twist too, but I guess this was better. It makes me doubt my existence too. I hold Woody responsible!!

[Woody]

haha well do you think you're a real person? think again.
actually there was a twist but Marie talked me out of it. she didn't find it very funny. I'm grateful to the readers who care and help me improve my writes.
I'm elated you found this funny MFD.

[Moonie]

Can I know what the twist was?:)

[Woody]

I'll write it in a PM

[Bright Ocean Star]

He-He-heee! I can't stop giggling! I love this one, Woody! Its perfect! Happy Anniversary!! I'm glad they got to eat their meal. You are a merciful creator. Ha!

[Woody]

lol thanks a lot Anna. I'm so pleased it made you giggle.
you're right, I care for my creation. always have, though I sometimes give them a hard time.

[Bright Ocean Star]

I'm surprised she didn't take his glass of champagne away, thinking that he'd lost his mind. She trusted him enough to believe the unbelievable....a true sign of love! Very, very well done...:)

[Woody]

thanks again Anna :)))

[Dara]

Oh this is so creative! You are a master story teller and always leave your readers with something to think about and a big smile on their face. Thank you for a smile today :-)

[Woody]

the pleasure is entirely mine. thank you Dara. oh what a joy to make the reader smile!

[Jimmy Yetts]

Innovative!
Reminds me of those movies or TV shows in which actors break character and start talking to the audience.
Well done and much enjoyed!

[Woody]

thank you very much Frankie. yes I know that kind of movies. they always do it a lot in cartoons. I never thought of them when writing this one but it must've happened on a subconscious level.
glad you enjoyed it.