Grave Humour (Epitaphs)

old collaboration with dear Marie. may she rest in peace.

I-                The Dentist

Jim Beam was the best of dentists

His work was known for its brevity

He cured decay, rot and cysts

He’s now filling his last cavity

 

                             

(Marie’s versions)

 

A.Jim Beam loved his picks and drill;

  Many a molar he did fill.

  Now his coffin, as you see,

  Is Jim's final cavity.

 

                             

B. Jim Beam

     Did crowns and caps

     Bridges and braces.

     He pulled a tooth if he had to;

     Saved it if he could

     The years dimmed his eyesight

    And stiffened his fingers

    Reluctantly

    He put his forceps and picks away

    And waited for the final extraction.

    Now he rests

    In his coffin;

    The last cavity

    He will ever fill.

 

II-           The Crossword Compiler

Here lies the late George Tyler

The famous crossword compiler

He’s now here gathering moss

Buried six down, nine across

 

(Marie’s version)

 

George Tyler

Famous compiler of crosswords

Filled in his life's squares

Now he sleeps peacefully

Two down

Three across.

 

III-       The Fibber

Here lies Graham Wibber

The town’s biggest fibber

He always lied at will

And here he is lying, still

(Marie's version)

He never told the truth
When a lie would do.
Now he has nothing to do
But lie.

 

 

IV-        The Doctor

Here lies Doc. Whatshisname

Who reached the pinnacle of fame

He found a cure

But was not sure

So he tried it. What a bloody shame!

(Maries version)

Out in the east Texas town Wichita
The Doc asked himself "Will it kill; will it cure?"
He answered his question. In less than a heartbeat
The handsome young doctor lay dead on the floor.

Author's Note

No disrespect to the dead. just for a laugh.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I did not know Marie & may she rest in peace . . . with that said, let me confess, I liked all of your versions better. But it's just like you & your gentle, modest nature, to let the other person shine while you take a backseat (((HUGS))) I only had one minor correction for the crossword dude . . . around here, we bury people six under. Maybe the soil is too rocky where you live *heh! heh! heh!*

[Woody]

hahahaha I didn't know that. here's the thing. at first it was 2 down and 3 across, I think. I was thinking in terms of meters. then decided to use feet and messed it up. the wretched guy's gonna come out at the first rain or else scavengers will dig him up in no time. I'd better fix that ASAP. thank you. too rocky :)
thank you so much for your sweet review.
Marie was a wonderful poet/writer and a woman with a huge heart. I urge you to give her profile a peek. you won't regret it. her last poem was kind of prophetic. I believe her daughter's left it open.

[barleygirl]

I keep forgetting how backward we are here, never converting to metric, despite many good intentions. I often try to remember to use *C when speaking of temps, but that's as far as my metric mind goes *smile* Please give me Marie's full handle on this website . . .

[Woody]

that is her handle. juste marie. easy really. scroll down to her review and click on her pic.

[barleygirl]

WOW! WOW! And WOW! I already started loving her from reading her profile declarations! That last poem is a heart wrencher for those who knew & loved her, I'm sure! Thanks for directing me to that beautiful spot of remembrance for the more longtime WCers! (((HUGS))) I'll read more of hers as I go along.

[Woody]

glad you liked what you found. I really miss her.

[Demii]

This is pretty funny, and a cool type of way to write!

[Woody]

thank you very much demii. so glad you find this funny :)

[R Smith]

Really funny Woody, i need a good laugh and you gave it, oh and that last stanza, a nod to El Paso by a favourite of mine Marty Robbins thanks for that one, really great, glad i came over to read this :)

[Woody]

thank you, kind Sir. and I'm glad you enjoyed these little silly pieces :)
music of the good old days, eh?

[R Smith]

very much so, i'm a teen from the 60s but my brother was a teen of the 50s so i inherited all his records when he moved out, enjoyed those days very much :)

[Woody]

I'm not much younger than you, Richard (60) and I cherish the moments I spent listening to those often-scratchy vinyl records. my very first contact with English songs were the Beatles. the love of my life haha

[R Smith]

mine too, i was 15 in 1964, its always felt like perfect timing to me :)

[marilyn 1225]

wow and it all rhymes too I take it Marie is your wife who helps you write and bring smiles to people here what cute and wonderfully funny epitaphs there is an American write who was so famous for his epitaphs too really renowed kinda like the satire in Canterbury Tales and the nuns story wish I could think of his work sign of my aging very very famous too it will come to me later and will let u know so you can take a look

[marilyn 1225]

Think the writer is Edgar Lee Masters maybe spoon river anthology fabulous one of my favorites

[Woody]

I'll certainly look him up, thank you marilyn and thanks for your kind review.I'm honoured to be likened to known writers. I always feel the need to point out that I'm more a story writer than a poet.
no marie's not my wife. she's a writer/poet here at the Cafe. she's a wonderful writer and a much much better poet than me. you might want to check her out. honest reviewer, too. just search under marie.

[marilyn 1225]

Thanks , I will.. Spoon River takes place at a cemetery... where the real scoop about each dead person or at least some of them come out... not the front that was put on for public appearances... hope that you find it.. I will look under Marie now

[~]

Bahahaha these were sooo funny :) I am happy I bumped into them.Very cunning!!!

[Woody]

thank you loads moonskittles :) I'm elated you found these silly things funny.

[Tate Morgan]

That was great well done woody

[Woody]

thanks heaps Tate. so glad you liked it.
sorry about the late reply. too much bloody work.

[Tate Morgan]

i get it man you are welcome

[Troy Henson]

If i ever need a bright start to my day I will just you Woody....very funny. Loved it

[Woody]

and it is always such a great pleasure to see those sweet smiling dolls grace my page :)
thank you Troy. glad you liked these ones.

[Gee]

Yeah,something as silly as I am.FUNNY.

[Woody]

gee, Gee! another silly one!! I was getting lonely on this site :) thank you so much. I'm extatic that you find this funny.

[Gee]

Need more light hearted poems,keep 'em coming

[Frank]

Gallow humour. Very funny, very clever...full marks.

[Woody]

awfully nice of you Frank. so glad you found these ones funny.

[Valentine]

This is wildly funny, I enjoyed reading each part. Valentine

[Woody]

thank you so much Valentine. I'm overjoyed this made you laugh.

[MomzillaNC]

ROTFL! :)

[Woody]

gee, you are the most economical lady on the the whole site (imagine if I wrote only the initials of that sentence!) :) TYVM Momzilla

[MomzillaNC]

YVW :)

[MomzillaNC]

As I always tell my son: "Less is more!"