Ball-warming Reception

this is for the "Boiled in Bat Guano" contest.

The word was out. “There’s a rat among us!”

The whole Café was in turmoil. They had to track him or her down, flush him out somehow. It won’t be easy, though. This evil character is a real chameleon. He keeps changing his avatar. He could be any sweet little girl out there, pretending to write girly stuff. But eyes are wide open, waiting for the tiniest slip-up, the smallest giveaway sign. 

When a poet found his poems posted on another site under this plagiarist’s name, all hell broke loose and all WC’s poets rose as one man. “A plagiarist in our midst? Inconceivable! We need to flush him out like the t**d he is.”

The Café’s finest hounds are actively sniffing the tiniest corners of the place, asking for proof of ID from the poets. WC can boast the best detectives on the net. While poets like Ana, KLGoode, Realmwriter and Noel, to name but a few, are scouring the site, Momzilla is preparing her special brew of bat guano in her notorious black pot where many a plagiarist has taking a dip more often than not.

[This next part is pretty graphic, so if you’re a sensitive soul or have a weak heart, I advise you to skip the following paragraph. You’ve been warned. Needless to say, don’t try this at home; your sibling might not have a good sense of humour].

Rumour has it Momzilla's gone out of her way to make it a special welcome for the poor sod. In fact she apparently intends, to first hang him by his foreskin above the boiling concoction. Then she’ll hogtie him (Oh, don’t be fooled, she’s a tough lady. Have you read any of her writes?), hang him once again but face down and let his weighty balls (not that I’ve seen them. I’m guessing here. I mean someone has to have big cojones to dare steal the labour of others, right?) dangle inside the bubbling stew, just long enough for the skin to peel off, which she’ll collect with tweezers and feed to her schnoodle.

Now the ladies here may be thinking that this is a too-mellow punishment. Let me tell you Dearies that I’d rather be poked in the eye with a red-hot iron than let anyone touch that precious part of my anatomy. And I know this from experience. One day, the bedroom door banged shut on my, you know, equipment. 

Thank God, my wife and I had already had two kids.    

Author's Note

my humble contribution to the contest. I have to say that I'm not much concerned myself as the plagiarist's targets seem to be only the brilliant poets here. you know as well as I do that my poetry sucks.

Reviews

[Marie]

Nobody has plagarized me either. Apparently nobodyhas stolen Sam Dickens' writing. Yet you and he and I are three of the best writers on this site. Your stories are just brilliant. THey add humour this site needs.

I don't worry about plagarists. They aren't real. They have nothing to offer.

[Woody]

Thank you so much Marie. I am truly thrilled to be on this site where I met you and Sam and a few others (David being the absolute king of the poets here) and where I'm learning from the best.

[MomzillaNC]

Marie, I hope you too will enter the contest. And, Woody, I must insist that you add Ploughboy to your list of kingly poets! He and David are easily comparably talented as any of the most famous poets you could name.

[MomzillaNC]

The contest may be found here: http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Boiled-In-Bat-Guano/50802/

[Woody]

ok I'll certainly check him out. thanks. of course, I couldn't name all the good ones. there's yourself and Tate and Ana..........

[Woody]

1.........

[Jimmy Yetts]

Once dated a woman who would have appreciated Momzilla's style.
Enjoyed most of this sordid tale; the more graphic parts, however, just brought back bad memories.
You're a very talented storyteller, Woody.

[Woody]

thanks heaps Frankie. I shudder to think what what bad memories this brought back :)
thank you for the compliment.

[MomzillaNC]

Really, I'm not that vindictive. Plagiarism is something I've dealt with in multiple artistic arenas, and lost financial opportunities as a result.

Please, Frankie J, enter the contest too: http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Boiled-In-Bat-Guano/50802/

[Tate Morgan]

Extermination complete Oh the fun we've had with this one eh?

[Woody]

you bet! the next one will think twice before attempting any fishy business.
thanks for dropping in Tate.

[MomzillaNC]

I still want an entry from you Tate! You and David and Ploughboy. I cannot imagine who would come out on top in THAT lineup! But, the plagiarist would be plagued with nightmares all his days!

[Bright Ocean Star]

Woody, you don't need poetry to belong to this site. And your stories are phenomenal. They linger in my brain for days and make me laugh out loud at inopportune times. People think I'm batty, because I laugh for no apparent reason in the stairwell while completely unaccompanied. I just smile and move on ahead, with your punchlines tickling my neurons. You've similarly created a fantastic story here. I love the imagery. You have a talent for this type of delicate torture. And people said I was to be kept at a fair distance, lest they get on my badside. You are great! I thoroughly loved this one. You did a great, great job. Thank you for contributing this to the contest. :)

[Woody]

oh god, what a glowing compliment! thank you very much indeed, Anne. I'm over the moon you like this one. I'll meet you at the finish line :)

[Samuel Dickens]

Yeah, they never bother me, either. Not my writing, at least, although someone did post one of my drawings once, and claimed it was his. Right there in plain sight was my name on it, too--Sam Dickens. Makes me think he wasn't too bright. When you think about it, it takes a really sad person to claim credit for someone else's work.

[Woody]

you know, Sam, it was a long inner struggle before I finally relented and started to put my stories out there. now all I do is hope nobody filches any of them.
thank you for the visit Sam.

[MomzillaNC]

I've had my visual art and photography plagiarized. I've experienced many times when a supervisor took credit for my work in copy writing and graphic design. I've even had musical composition and lyrics plagiarized by a so-called friend in music school (though, in that case, my performance jury came down on my side and the plagiarist was expelled from the program). Mr. Dickens, please enter the contest too: http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Boiled-In-Bat-Guano/50802/

[Matching Socks]

I had no idea you had such a mean bite to you Woody! :)
This was such a ball to read!

[Woody]

I guess Momzilla brought my evil side out. I had to dig deep. today I'm a mellow and charming man, even if I say so myself.
thank you Ana :)

[Matching Socks]

You're always mellow and charming Woody. :)
I would say so too.