Ball-warming Reception

this is for the "Boiled in Bat Guano" contest.

The word was out. “There’s a rat among us!”

The whole Café was in turmoil. They had to track him or her down, flush him out somehow. It won’t be easy, though. This evil character is a real chameleon. He keeps changing his avatar. He could be any sweet little girl out there, pretending to write girly stuff. But eyes are wide open, waiting for the tiniest slip-up, the smallest giveaway sign. 

When a poet found his poems posted on another site under this plagiarist’s name, all hell broke loose and all WC’s poets rose as one man. “A plagiarist in our midst? Inconceivable! We need to flush him out like the t**d he is.”

The Café’s finest hounds are actively sniffing the tiniest corners of the place, asking for proof of ID from the poets. WC can boast the best detectives on the net. While poets like Ana, KLGoode, Realmwriter and Noel, to name but a few, are scouring the site, Momzilla is preparing her special brew of bat guano in her notorious black pot where many a plagiarist has taking a dip more often than not.

[This next part is pretty graphic, so if you’re a sensitive soul or have a weak heart, I advise you to skip the following paragraph. You’ve been warned. Needless to say, don’t try this at home; your sibling might not have a good sense of humour].

Rumour has it Momzilla's gone out of her way to make it a special welcome for the poor sod. In fact she apparently intends, to first hang him by his foreskin above the boiling concoction. Then she’ll hogtie him (Oh, don’t be fooled, she’s a tough lady. Have you read any of her writes?), hang him once again but face down and let his weighty balls (not that I’ve seen them. I’m guessing here. I mean someone has to have big cojones to dare steal the labour of others, right?) dangle inside the bubbling stew, just long enough for the skin to peel off, which she’ll collect with tweezers and feed to her schnoodle.

Now the ladies here may be thinking that this is a too-mellow punishment. Let me tell you Dearies that I’d rather be poked in the eye with a red-hot iron than let anyone touch that precious part of my anatomy. And I know this from experience. One day, the bedroom door banged shut on my, you know, equipment. 

Thank God, my wife and I had already had two kids.    

Author's Note

my humble contribution to the contest. I have to say that I'm not much concerned myself as the plagiarist's targets seem to be only the brilliant poets here. you know as well as I do that my poetry sucks.

Reviews

[Marie]

Nobody has plagarized me either. Apparently nobodyhas stolen Sam Dickens' writing. Yet you and he and I are three of the best writers on this site. Your stories are just brilliant. THey add humour this site needs.

I don't worry about plagarists. They aren't real. They have nothing to offer.

[Woody]

Thank you so much Marie. I am truly thrilled to be on this site where I met you and Sam and a few others (David being the absolute king of the poets here) and where I'm learning from the best.

[MomzillaNC]

Marie, I hope you too will enter the contest. And, Woody, I must insist that you add Ploughboy to your list of kingly poets! He and David are easily comparably talented as any of the most famous poets you could name.

[MomzillaNC]

The contest may be found here: http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Boiled-In-Bat-Guano/50802/

[Woody]

ok I'll certainly check him out. thanks. of course, I couldn't name all the good ones. there's yourself and Tate and Ana..........

[Woody]

1.........

[barleygirl]

How could I NOT click on a piece with this title? I'm happy to report that your "piece" didn't disappoint. I haven't read Momzilla, but your description makes me want to look her up. I also loved your aside about why you assume the perp has mongo cojones. But at least there's nothing phallic here, other than your provocatively varnished handle *heh! heh! heh!* . . . The reason nobody steals your writing is becuz your unique fingerprint (or should I say Woody-print) is way too recognizable!!!

[Woody]

now don't make me change that effing handle. I swear it's been my nickname for years and I like it. I can think of many interesting Woodys. Woody Wood Pecker's one. oh forget that one! it's got pecker in it.
you're so sweet, B. thank you for your words

[Gaston Villanueva]

Great job on this one Woody!
I hope you won the contest haha

[Woody]

thanks a lot my friend for the praise and the wishes :)
the result is not really important. don't they say the thrill is in the chase? (or is that a bad example?)

[Roland Petrov]

A plagiarist's balls boiled in bat guano? What will you think of next! Looks like I've missed the competition, and thankfully so; how can one compete with this?!

[Woody]

haha you give me too much credit but thanks a lot. you have a great sense of humour, Rolaand. I'm sure you would've stood an excellent chance to win the contest.
thanks a lot my friend.

[Bright Ocean Star]

Oh, he's a humble lad. Woody, your poetry does not suck. You really have to STOP saying that. Your stories are amazing. I couldn't write a short story to fit one page if my life depended on it. I like the detail in this one. I vote a 2

[Valentine]

If some one is doing that, I hope they are caught. My mom and Grandmother were published poets, but I would not even put one of theirs on unless I said who the author was. Valentine

[Woody]

someone told me once that the minute you post something on the net it stops belonging to you. it's so easy to copy/paste and take it elsewhere and pretend it's yours. shame!
thanks for stopping by Valentine.

[Vidya Bacchus]

Your poetry does not suck.You are one of the most wonderful writers on this site and a sweetheart at that.Eeeek that is very cruel and unusual but much deserved punishment.Very amusing as ever Sir Woody :)

[Woody]

your kindness far exceeds my poetic prowess, Vid. thank you Dear :)
I have to confess that this one was a bit forced as I was somewhat pushed into writing it.

[Vidya Bacchus]

You are welcome and forced or not it was all you and as always cleverly written and well enjoyed by the readers :)

[MomzillaNC]

Please enter the contest, Vidya. Contest URL http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Boiled-In-Bat-Guano/50802/

[Moonie]

The torture... oh, the graphical, nightmare bringing, shudder causing, hypothetically feelable torture..... Although, I think he has to have tiny, minuscule, nanoscopic ones to steal the labour of others. A very enjoyable write! :) :) The poor soul.......
Ps, a very interesting contest!!

[Woody]

haha thanks MFD. btw, you've still got time to enter the contest. Momzilla's asked me to encourage people to join in.

[Moonie]

I'm not that good at comedy...as you may know by now... ps more and more people have started calling me MFD... that sounds a little bit like a savage sumo's name, not like the name of some charming damsel such as I ... hehe....... but yeah, I like the sound of it.....

[Woody]

oh I'm sure you're being modest.
you know your name's long so MFD seemed the obvious abbreviation. I'll call you Moon.

[Moonie]

No, I am being honest, rhymes and comedy are my weaknesses...and I am trying hard to overcome them right now.......
and you can call me Naomi, sir...

[MomzillaNC]

Lord! Woody, I can almost see myself cackling over the pot as he's lowered into it! ROTFL. Really terrific entry for my contest!

[Woody]

thank you very much Momzilla :) glad you found it passably funny.

[MomzillaNC]

More than passably funny! Seriously hilarious! SNL (in it's Belushi/Akroyd/Murray heyday) funny!

[Woody]

oooh this is too much honour. how can I compare to those ones? but thank you anyway :)
what on earth is SNL?

[MomzillaNC]

SNL = Saturday Night Live

[Woody]

Gee! I'm learning a new one every day :) is this a programme on TV?

[MomzillaNC]

Ummm… yah! Duh! ROTFL!

It's the seminal platform from which the likes of John Belushi, Dan Ackroyd, Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Jane Curtain, Gilda Radner, Billy Crystal, Laraine Newman, Eddie Murphy, Chris Farley, Dana Carvey, Phil Hartman, Chris Rock, Adam Sandler, Mike Meyers, Molly Shannon, Tina Fey, Will Ferrell, Jimmy Fallon, Seth Meyers, Joan Cusack, Robert Downey Jr, Daman Wayons, Cheri Oteri, and SO MANY MORE comedy greats launched their careers. OMG! It's only been on the air since 19-freaking-75!

[Woody]

ah ok. you see,the only American channel we can get here in Tunisia, is CNN. so it's a good thing I know Jay Leno, Conan O'Brian and whatsisname. of course, today with Youtube, it's different. soo no I didn't know about this programme.

[MomzillaNC]

You have to look it up! Especially the first few troupes! It is the definitive American comedy program!

[Woody]

ok will do thanks

[MomzillaNC]

Cheeboagga, cheeboagga, cheeboagga!

Look up the Belushi diner skit and you'll get that!

[Woody]

right away

[MomzillaNC]

Don't miss the Samurai Delicatessen!

[MomzillaNC]

And Eddie Murphy's Buckwheat sendup (from that old Little Rascals movies crew)

[MomzillaNC]

Lord, and Eddie Murphy's lampooning of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood

[MomzillaNC]

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CCoQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.nbc.com%2Fsaturday-night-live%2Fvideo&ei=kOuqVJWXM8mcgwTyoISADg&usg=AFQjCNH5gYN_pONCz3-uUXnV6vKus-K9Qw&sig2=NGexuvdJotc4n4-HUWSWGg&bvm=bv.82001339,d.eXY

[Woody]

hilarious!!!!!!!! I'll have to see more of these.

[MomzillaNC]

There're plenty to see. As I said, it's been on since 1975. Seems like most of our comedy greats have done time in an SNL crew.

[Woody]

had a good laugh thank you. made a good discovery tonight. my son's going to love it.

[MomzillaNC]

I'm always pleased to pass on brilliance to be shared.

[Woody]

you're a woman with a biiiig heart.

[MomzillaNC]

💖 💘 💋

[MomzillaNC]

Contest URL http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Boiled-In-Bat-Guano/50802/

I'm hoping new commentary will drive more readers to the entries.

[Woody]

1..........

[R Smith]

1.................

[Fran Marie]

5--------------

[realmwriter]

.........4

[MomzillaNC]

Oi! I can’t choose a short story winner! Gaaaaah!

[MomzillaNC]

Would a three-way tie between you and the other two finalists be a total cop-out!

[Woody]

I honestly don't mind either way, Momzilla. I'm game. honest :)

[MomzillaNC]

I just don’t know what to do.

[MomzillaNC]

Well done, Woody. You get an honorable mention for the short story category of the contest.

[MomzillaNC]

I loved your story so much. It’s hilarious and needs publishing! It’s in a category all it’s own.

[Woody]

thank you so much Momzilla. and thanks for the praise too. it means a lot to me :)

[MomzillaNC]

You’re more than welcome. Love reading your stuff!

[Beccy]

I find plagiarism to be pretty much the most pointless thing imaginable. Inconceivable that anyone gets satisfaction from such an activity. Bit like paying a gardener, then pretending it's all your creation when everyone knows, (or gets to know,) better.

Of course, in some circles, Imitation is thought to be the sincerest form of flattery.

Beccy.

[MomzillaNC]

Please enter the contest too: http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Boiled-In-Bat-Guano/50802/

[Woody]

well Beccy, there's a definite pleasure in receiving praise and gaining notoriety. of course, secretely they're jealous. they're simply thieves.

[M.E.Lyle]

Mine too, poetry that is...not my manly parts. I hope Momzilla gets her man. Is it appropriate to say at this moment, I feel your pain? There was this incident with a fish hook once.

[Woody]

haha why? did you go fishing in the nude? thank you for empathising, my friend. I've got new ones made out of brass, now.
thank you for stopping by Mike.

[MomzillaNC]

Please enter too, Mr. Lyle: http://www.writerscafe.org/contests/Boiled-In-Bat-Guano/50802/