Psittacus

a talking parrot that is too clever for its own good.

Today, I’m moving house. Not only me, but also my wife, my two kids and my wife’s African grey parrot, Eko. I wish to God they’d stop following me around.

I’m standing in the middle of what will become the living room. It’s huge, as the actress said to the Bishop. I picture where the couch will be placed, the LCD TV set, the bookcase, the wet bar, the coffee table and the rest of the knick knack. The landlord has stepped outside to take a call and my wife is probably drooling on the kitchen floor, imagining what her domain will look like once it is well equipped.

The morning sun is streaming through the picture window. Beyond the pane, the lawn is impeccably manicured on either side of the driveway and the gigantic pine tree is reaching up to a dazzling blue sky.

I look around at the whitewashed walls, mentally placing the various paintings I own, all authentic, the fencer assured me. Botticelli, Rembrandt, Dali and the piece de resistance Mona Lisa.

My left elbow is cupped in my right hand and my left hand is absently scratching my cleft chin.

“SCRATCH! SCRATCH!” goes the echo. Don’t you hate it when the echo repeats every sound it hears? I do. 

Just to irk it, I say “Hello!” 

The echo goes “Hello, hello!” 

“Bugger off!” I tell it. 

It dutifully repeats “Bugger off, bugger off!” 

Irritated, I say “one-two-three-four.” 

And the echo: “Five-six-seven-eight.” 

Wiseass!

But apart from the echo, which will be dealt with once the place is filled up, the house looks perfect to us. We sign the contract then and there and three days later we are settled in our new home.

                                       --------------------------

One evening, we were sitting side by side on the Ikea (sorry, I need the money) couch like two potatoes. I had my usual tumbler of Glenfiddich. Neat. I don’t always drink my whiskey neat. I sometimes drink it without a tie and with my shirt hanging out. My wife was sipping her usual Gin and Tonic. I keep telling her to get a new one but you know women. The kids were upstairs tucked up in bed.

                       

 We were watching a rerun of “The Hangover”. Eko was dozing behind us on its perch.

When the commercials came on, my wife turned to me and said in a hushed voice:

“when are you going to get rid of that stupid bird?”

“But I th…”

“Shhhhh!” she shushed me, “I don’t want him to realize we’re plotting against him,” she hissed.

“Goodness gracious!” I shot back, “you’re making it sound like he’s got brains and can unders..”

“As a matter of fact,” she cut me off again,”I do believe he can understand. He’s no normal bird, I tell you. You don’t have to spend the whole day with him. I do.”

“I don’t know, honey, all I hear him say is good morning Pretty, what a wonderful world or he sometimes sings jingle bells.”

“Darling he scares me. He doesn’t only say things, he’s an incredible impressionist. It’s uncanny. This morning, as I was bending down to pick up the glasses, I heard Joe Pesci say: that’s a nice piece of a*s. I nearly had a heart attack.”

I couldn’t help it. I guffawed.

“Honey, sounds like he can make us rich,” I tell her.

“OH, please! The other day, the minute he saw me, he went: "It’s show time," in Jim Carey’s voice. I tell you I’ve had enough of his wise cracks.”

I decided to humour her and try something myself. Besides I was curious to hear his impersonations. 

The following morning, I phoned my company and took the day off, then pretended to go to work, shouting

“Bye, honey. I’m off. See you, Eko.”

I left and went round and used the back door to get in. My wife was waiting for me with her floral skirt. The one I'd bought her for her 30^th birthday. I put on her pink wig and applied some make up and went to the living room.

I started dusting the furniture and arranging things and straightening the paintings that needed no straightening. I was humming under my breath. 

Eko followed my every move and ogled me the whole time but said not a word. I was getting tired so I tried to provoke him. I kept bending down and wriggling my bum at him. Not a sound! I surreptitiously tugged at the skirt to reveal the top of my crack then bent down just a couple of feet away from him. It’s then that Al Pacino said:

“Get your sorry a*s outa here! I don’t go for guys.”

He scared the s**t out of me.     

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This one is full of subtle gems & the ending is hilarious. As usual, your writing is top notch. More than usual, I couldn't imagine how this story might end & the ending didn't disappoint, one bit! *smile* Like a well-done jigsaw puzzle, every piece was fitted together for a perfectly flowing narrative -- no bumps! I like it! *smile*

[Woody]

you are slowly but surely becoming my favourite and sweetest reviewer. I'm so flattered B. thanks a bunch Dear :)

[Samuel Dickens]

Finally, I know what the blazes "neat" means, in reference to drinking whiskey. I gotta tell ya--my mind is now at ease, thanks to you! Now, about that parrot--I think if you pulled all the feathers off of his head, he wouldn't be such a smarty. In fact, he wouldn't want to attract any attention at all.

[Woody]

haha so you're like me. you don't always drink it neat. as for the damn bird, after I threatened to have him as a Christmas parrot (see the price of turkeys?), he's now imitating George W bush. I think I liked him best with the actors.
thank you Sam. nice to see you back. I trust you've a good Xmas.

[MsJewel]

You have a stellar imagination and sense of humor. Thank you for the giggles...

:) Julie

[Woody]

my pleasure :) and thank you for the visit, Julie.

[MsJewel]

Always a pleasure!

[Tiana]

You are a riot! I love your sense of humor, Woody! Wonderfully written with such vivid imagery, I felt like a fly on the wall enjoying this picture perfect scenario! Loved it :)

[Woody]

thank you so much IW. it is indeed a great pleasure to contribute in bringing a little laghter to this "serious" site. I'm elated you like it :)

[Moonie]

Oh my god, that parrot scared the s**t out of me too. For a level-headed, serious, sensible, trustworthy, wonderful, good looking and modest writer and a poet, you really know a lot about various one liners about backsides.....makes one wonder.....

[Woody]

hahaha you made me laugh. I'm glad you didn't forget to add "modest". my strongest trait.
which reminds me, tomorrow's my birthday and I need to send a letter of congratulations to my mother. I send her one every year :)
thank you very much, Dear.

[Moonie]

I really like the line about the authentic paintings too, they really would need the parrot to make them rich after those lofty expenditures.....
And happy birthday, dear sir!!!! :))

[Moonie]

It was horrifying to imagine the protagonist in the wig and skirt....

[Woody]

mmm I'm beginning to like Eko. I might bring him back in another story.
than kyou very much for the birthday wishes.

[Woody]

aaah what wouldn't we do for women?

[Moonie]

Eko's name is perfect. You have a knack with names...which remindes me that the "read more" option wasn't opening on one of your comments, sir. I do want to know about the mystery behind Noah Deer's name.

[Woody]

oh sorry about that. Noah Deer is not visual. you need to say the name out loud. Dr..... (try it)

[Moonie]

All I can come up with is "no add here??" sir...

[Woody]

sorry I'm giving you a hard time. Noah Deer, No Idea. (perhaps not such a good pun, after all)

[Moonie]

Haha, so the doctor is pretty dumb and has no idea about psychology?? That is a hilarious pun. Now that I say it out aloud, I can't help but laugh.

[Woody]

aah I'm glad you find it funny. I was beginning to think of changing the name. yes, a dumb shrink.

[Loulou4u]

LOL - you definitely have a warped sense of humor. I love warped. All I have to say is what's wrong with Ikea! (I can't help it if I have cheap taste.) Hm...it seems to me that Ecko overreacted a little. Maybe he's a latent homosexual and felt threatened.

You're not going to believe this, but I wrote a little ditty about a smart a*s parrot too (warped minds think alike). I shall go look for it (after I put another batch of clothes in the washer) and post it.

[Woody]

I look forward to reading it.
glad you like my warped sense of humour.
the idea behind Ikea was because it looked like I was making publicity for it (something like sponsoring?) so I apologize to the reader because I need the money they'll pay me. was not obvious, was it?

[Loulou4u]

You're a hoot! Hope they pay well, lol.

[Woody]

haha. well it pays the rent.

[Loulou4u]

LOL! I feel funny about telling you I just posted, but I have no idea if you were notified. Now I see I need to move my stuff to the groups I joined. This place is going to torment me.

[Nusquam Esse]

First of all, Eko is a fine name for a parrot; very fitting if you ask me.
And I would not trust a fence which claimed to push authentic paintings by ALL of those painters--even one would be pushing it.
No doubt he needed the Ikea furnishings because of all the money spent on art, yes? :P
Part of me almost wonders if he was even talking to his wife... I would not put it past a bird so clever to be imitating his wife's voice as well. Well, except for the difference in imitations of actors and their remarks on asses. I am still trying to imagine the main character in the wig and skirt showin off his assets to the bird. Creepy stuff for sure!
Had a friend whose parrot was far more clever than he was given credit for, whenever he was in the room it would act all sweet, but the moment it was alone with me it would start fluffing itself up and snarling at me. One time it lunged at me and tried to bite me with its obnoxiously huge beak. I ended up kicking it across the room, where it just sorta flopped around for a bit, before hopping back up on the counter and hissing at me.

I think the tense this is written is makes it a bit more difficult to connect with, and I think the beginning in particular is written too passively. Perhaps try rewriting it to be more active and consistent in tense? Just an impression of mine.

[Woody]

ever the thorough reviewer! thank you buddy. Gee, so something similar actually happened to you!! creepy b******s those African greys!
I trust your impression, Nusquam. I'll drop the present tense but I don't know if that' bring any improvement. I'm not sure I understand "passively", though.
thanks again.

[Nusquam Esse]

Well, at least try and see how it looks outside of its current tense; as for passive, it generally manifests itself in excessive and unnecessary words which bog down the story. Going out of your way to make the writing bold and dynamic can cut this out a lot; especially when you try to use sentence structures that make the MC feel intimate.

[Woody]

aah I wish I had your eyes. I mean apart from the tense which can easily be dealt with, this looks no different than my other writes. I mean my sense of humour, for what it is worth, is more or less the same. puns and unexpected bits and pieces.

[Marie]

THis is a smart bird all right, and this makes for a clever story. I'm sure Psitticus works into it some way, and I think it has to do with an Al Pacino movie, but I can't quite get my mind around it.

Do you mean Joe "Pecci" or "Joe Pesci?"

[Woody]

no it's much simpler than that actually, Marie. sorry to disappoint. no play on words this time. I looked up African grey on Wikipedia and that's the scientific/latin name for it.
you're right it's Pesci. I should've checked that out.
thank you very much, Marie.

[Marie]

Okay; I understand.

Joe Pesci is an actor I really like; that's why I picked up right away on the spelling.