Strange Encounter of the Third Kind

a man goes into a bar and has the shock of his life.

Fifteen minutes. That’s all it took for the deluge to come pouring down. One moment, it was clear as you like and the next, the heavens opened up and rain came down battering the earth. Visibility was reduced to within a meter and the cars slowed down to snails’ pace. Similarly, in the town’s park, snails slowed down to cars’ pace.

Mahatma Koatamoff, caught by surprise, secured his hat on his head, buttoned up his coat and started running as bucketfuls of water came down on his head and drenched him in no time at all. He cursed himself for not taking his umbrella when leaving the house. He’d looked at the sky and hadn’t thought much of the few clouds scuttling towards the east. That’d teach him to pay more attention to the weather forecast. 

The “Skull n’ Bones”, his regular bar, was still four blocks away but, fortunately, “Thistle” was just round the corner.

“Thistle have to do,” panted Mahatma and sprinted the few remaining paces. He slammed into the glass door that said PULL. His nose hit the pane and he saw stars.

“S**t!” he yelped, “this is a pane-ful entry!”

He hurriedly pulled the door and nearly fell inside. The door swung shut behind him, effectively cutting the sound of the onslaught. Mahatma’s glasses, already speckled with rain, instantly fogged up. He stood there, in the puddle that started to spread at his feet, catching his breath and fumbled for a tissue. He wiped his glasses, thinking he’d have a drink, well maybe two, wait for the rain to ease off then run back home to get changed, otherwise he’d catch his death if he kept those soggy clothes on his back.

“I’m gonna catch my death if I keep these soggy clothes on my back,” he muttered under his breath. Damn! I’m good. I know exactly what my characters are thinking before they even open their mouths.

Suddenly, he realized that the bar was unusually silent. Puzzled, he squinted around. Not a soul! His eyes fell on the Popeye clock hanging on the wall. It was only nine in the morning. That explained it. It was not so much the urge to drink that drove him out of the house as his wife’s nagging. I know many will relate. Don’t we all?

Mahatma Koatamoff took off his hat and coat and hung them by the door. He then approached the bar, got on a stool and patted himself for a cigarette before remembering he was trying to kick off the habit. Instead, he reached out and plucked a toothpick from the little figurine standing on the bar. it was in the shape of Bluto.

“I wonder where Olive is,” mused Mahatma, studying the shiny surface of the bar. He stuck the toothpick in his mouth. Poor substitute but it did seem to work.

Nobody came out to greet him so he rapped on the bar. As that produced no result, his leg started giggling. He willed it to stop.

“This is ridiculous. I’m not alcoholic,” he thought, irritated at himself.

“Anybody home?” he called out.

“Coming,” came a muffled reply from an open door behind the bar. Mahatma heard noises. Someone walking about and what sounded like something being dragged on the floor. Then, out came a superb black and white stallion with a luxuriant forelock that almost hid its eyes. It was wearing a red apron with a huge thistle emblazoned on it. It dumped the six-pack it was carrying on the counter.

“Good morning,” he (I guess we can now safely refer to him as a he) cheerfully greeted his first customer. “What’ll it be, Guv?”

Mahatma’s jaw nearly touched his collar bone. His face drained of blood ad his eyes threatened to pop out of their sockets and go honkety-honk on the counter. His heart skipped a beat (I KNOW IT’S A BLOODY CLEE-SHAY. I’m describing what happened. Think I’m making it up?) then started knocking wildly against his ribcage. His breath caught up in his throat (yeah, yeah).

The horse waited patiently for the soon-to-have-a-heart attack Mahatma to regain control then said:

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost. How about a pick-me-up?”

Mahatma Koatamoff slid off his perch on shaky legs, took a couple of steps back and without taking his eyes off the horse, stammered:

“Has… Has… the.. the cow sold this place?”

Author's Note

originally this was a poem of the same title I posted here a while ago. Marie felt it would make a better story than a poem. I finally got round to following her advice.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

You are in rare form here, this time, as far as popping off all along the way with your conversational asides & puns. Even before I finished recognizing the first name "Mahatma" I could already feel something hilarious coming on . . . did not disappoint. So many tiny treasures, like the Popeye clock & Bluto toothpick figurine. I definitely was NOT thinking "cliché" when I read: "pop out of their sockets and go honkety-honk on the counter" becuz you have a way of spicing up every line & in this case, it's the "honkety-honk" (nice sound effects!) Well, I could go on, but I'll save you some time. You have definitely mastered your niche, which is filled by nobody but you! *smile*

[Woody]

aaah nobody but you :)))))) what a song that is, eh? gosh, I'm lost for words. too much honour.
read moreaaah nobody but you :)))))) what a song that is, eh? gosh, I'm lost for words. too much honour.
a big fat THANK YOU.

[Country boy183798]

Clever, witty, funny, well written, and very engaging. It had all the elements of a good story. I really enjoyed reading it, and I like every bit of it. I really like your style of humour as well. It's not way over the top if you know what I mean, it is rather sincere in a comedic way (if that make any sense! Even if doesn't just pretend that it does cause I don't know how else I could explain it)
Your jokes are clever and all in all this is a great story! Thank you for sharing it, and keep on writing.

[Woody]

thank you very much for your generous review, Edmund. I'm overjoyed you liked my warped sense of humour :)

[alanwgraham]

Hee haw. You should be doing stand up! I enjoyed this bit of nonsense. A welcome relief from all the serious stuff here (I plead guilty!)
Thanks for cheering me up.
Alan

[Woody]

thank you so much my friend. what a pleasure to know this cheered you up!
alan, when you didn't comment on my review on your limericks, I thought you were cross with me or something.

[alanwgraham]

Many apologies woody. No excuses. A belated thanks. I need to get better organised here.
Regards, alan

[Woody]

no harm done, pal. was just wondering.

[Shannon]

Extremely descriptive and yet very engaging. The meta conversation was also an interesting touch.

[Woody]

thanks a bunch for stopping to read and review S. Mi. and for the kind words.

[forgotten_ghosts]

How do you call something like that ? A joke-story ? I don't know, but it doesn't matter because it was worth reading. Very funny! But I guess because of the length you can't tell the joke at a party..

[Woody]

alright here's the thing. I sometimes think up the whole thing from top to bottom and sometimes I'd take the punchline of an old joke and use it as a springboard to tell a story that I enjoy making it as crazy as possible. so no, this is not a joke. I like to think of it as a short story or flash fiction.
glad you enjoyed it, F.G. thanks for stopping to read it.
hey you can shorten it and tell it at a party as a joke.

[A.W. Carl]

Honestly I might have enjoyed this more as a poem. Ha! Different strokes for different folks I guess. Still I enjoyed the story. Great description with good humor.

[Woody]

Hi A.W.Carl
thanks heaps for stopping to read and review.
when I read your review, I took a quick peek at your profile and found you only posted stories. I was expecting to find poems as this site is (sadly for me) slowly turning into PoetsCafe.
thank you for your kind words. glad you enjoyed it.

[Archos]

So, a very long joke? :D It sure was worth waiting for the twist ending. Your absurd stories are more realistic than many of the 'realistic' stories I've read. Well written, witty, funny... Is there anything to add? Is it necessary to state I enjoyed reading it? 'Course not. Thanks for sharing!

[Woody]

hey Archos. thanks heaps, my friend. so glad you enjoyed this loony story :) I enjoy surprising the reader and end with a twist.

[Great Aunt Astri]

Very funny! perhaps the cow mooooved out?

[Woody]

neeeeigh, I don't think so. she just took a day off t wax her calves probably.
ta very much for dropping in.

[Matching Socks]

Woody, you have a gift for snappy witty one liners.
I love your sense of humour. I remember reading this one before. :)

[Woody]

thanks a lot Dear. glad you could enjoy it twice :)

[Matching Socks]

It's good to lighten things with some humour.
You're welcome.

[Troy Henson]

Always enjoy reading you Woody. The humour is always alive and well. The structure is excellent. In all your pieces I get a sense that you most certainly have a lot of fun in what you write.

Cheers

[Woody]

thanks heaps Troy. I know for a fact that poets here are reluctant to read stories. I appreciate you making the effort to read my stories.

[Troy Henson]

Always a pleasure