Women!

a man needs the help of a psychiatrist to explain why he can't keep a relationship long enough.

“I’ve never had much luck with women,” said Jeremiah Soal in a resigned note. “You’re my last resort, Dr. Deer, at unveiling the mystery. I could tick off my numerous assets but I don’t want to pass for a pretentious sod, if you’ll excuse my French. Suffice it to say that I’m not just a pretty face, if you’ll allow me that expression.”

Jeremiah was lying on the couch in Dr. Noah Deer’s office, which was bathed in a relaxing penumbra. A goose-neck lamp gave off a soft light from a corner of the room. The walls were lined with diplomas and a giant framed picture of Sigmund Freud.

“Hmmm.. Interesting,” said Dr. Deer, in a bored voice. “Why don’t you give me a for-instance?”

Dr. Deer was sitting slightly behind Jeremiah in his swivel chair. He crossed his legs, took off his Gooci glasses and, using his thumb and forefinger, rubbed his eyes and pinched the skin over the bridge of his nose.

Jeremiah thought a moment then said:

“It’s always the same thing. I meet a girl, the chemistry seems to be working just fine and the next thing I know she up and leaves with not so much as an explanation.”

“Why’s that, d’u think?” asked Dr. Deer, tapping his biro on the notepad.

“Frankly, Doc, if I knew that I wouldn’t be here, now would I? You’re the shrink, not me,” snapped Jeremiah back, irritably.

“Fair enough,” said the Doctor, unfazed, “but I’ll have you know, Mr. Soal, that that is a technique we, specialists, use to dredge up the most innermost thoughts.”

“Oh, ok. Well, three months ago, my one but last girlfriend, Milly or Shirley or something similarly silly ran away with the milkman. Now, before you scoff, let me tell you that these things do happen. Anyway, there must be something about the milkmen that makes them irresistible to women. Milk must be good for their.. you know… their thingy. Teeth.  As it’s full of calcium, or so the rumour goes. It must also put lead into their pencils, to put it mildly. Bottom line, I was left in the lurch.”

Jeremiah stopped talking. He appeared to be gathering his thoughts.

“Please, do go on,” urged the psychologist, scribbling on his notepad, “tell me about your last, ehm.. conquest.”

“You twat,”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Yootwat. Her name was Yoko Yootwat. Japanese.”

“Ah, I see. And what happened?”

“Do you want the long version or the short version,” asked the Shrunk (I’m tired of repeating his name. The doctor is the shrink, so..)

Dr. Deer sighed silently, looked at his watch and answered:

“Let’s start with the short one.”

“Right. I took her out a few times and then she invited me to her house. Well, her parents’ to be exact. And that’s the problem, I suppose. You see, her mum and dad had already gone to bed and she let me in through the window. You’re going to find this weird but she’d instructed me to stand under her window and call out a particular sentence. Sort of a secret code.”

“Go on, tell me! We, psychiatrists, are not easily shocked.”

“Well, I had to shout: Yoko Yootwat, let down your s**t, I mean sheet!”

Dr. Noah Deer snorted, trying to stifle a laugh then coughed to try and cover it up.

“Yesterday,” continued the distraught man, “at precisely 10 o’clock, I was standing under her second-floor window. There was a light on inside. I called out:

“Yoko Yootwat, let down your s**t!”

"Sheet," corrected the perceptive Dr., just to show he was attentive.

"Yes, that's what I meant."

Three or four white bed sheets knotted together to form a makeshift rope snaked down from the window and I scampered up the wall. Once inside, I took off my…”

“Ehm, could you leave out the details of your erotic tryst for now, please?” the doctor cut him off.

“Oh!” said J., deflated, “anyway, we had a great time albeit in complete silence. In the middle of the night, I urgently needed to go to the bathroom, see. Yoko said I could not use the bathroom as it was next to her parents' and she was afraid the noise might wake them up.

“ ‘Go do it in the kitchen,’ she whispered.” Jeremiah fell silent.

“What happened next?” urged Dr. Deer.

“When I got back, she uttered a blood-curdling screech and threw me out the window. Thank God, I didn't break my legs. 

Dr. Deer’s eyebrows shot up. “that’s strange!” he said.

“Tell me about it,” answered J., resigned.

“Do you have any idea what made her scream?”

“I haven’t got the foggiest. All I said when I got back was: Any toilet paper?”

Author's Note

who, in all honesty, can pretend to understand women?

Reviews

[Norman 223]

I see you.re back on form Woody. When I read your stories, the first thing I do is unravel the double-endres of your characters, names. Then I get down to the nitty s****y (Whoops! gritty) of the story. See - you're a disturbing influence on my senility.
Keep 'em coming., teacher. They're an education in themselves.
Norm

[Woody]

thank you so much for such a flattering review, Norman. I'm glad my stories can help stave off senility :) and I'm chuffed to bits to see you take the trouble of deciphering the corny names of the characters.

[Wayne Rockmore]

HAHAHA!! I love the conclusion. That was hilarious and nasty. Something about it reminds me of Philip Roth or Woody Allen or something. A terrific build with a killer zinger of an ending. I loved it.

[Woody]

BOY! this made my evening. thank you Wayne. so glad this made you laugh. I don't know who philip Roth is but Woody Allen is certainly one of my favourites.

[Wayne Rockmore]

I like to think of Philip Roth as a slightly darker, more nasty, though still funny, version of Woody Allen's sensibility :)

[Woody]

I'll certainly look him up.

[Woody]

ok I know who philip roth is. thanks. I'll have to read some of the things he's written.

[MomzillaNC]

Okay. Gross. :D

[Woody]

I know, Dear. sorry. with me, funny means no holds barred. thanks for dropping in.

[MomzillaNC]

It was funny. Gross funny.

[Woody]

aah I feel better :)))

[MomzillaNC]

I keep forgetting that my often acerbic humor often doesn't translate in print.

[Woody]

don't worry. I got it. was just playing along.

[MomzillaNC]

---)--->

[MomzillaNC]

Well, poop! That didn't work! It was an arrow being shot, plus the < and the numeral 3 to represent me shooting you! Plus a laughing symbol. Phwh! :D

[Woody]

hahaha ok I'm hit.

[icelandicblue]

Oh god thanks for the laugh. Seriously, I laughed out loud.

[Woody]

thank you Blue :) I'm so glad you liked.

[Samuel Dickens]

You wacky, crazy, jokester, you! I must've been in a weird stupor and didn't get the punch line for at least 45 seconds, and then--wham! No wonder she threw him out. Maybe she'll let him climb her sheet again if he brings a honey bucket.

[Woody]

hahahaha I doubt very much she'll take him back no matter what he brings her. however, I empathize with the wretched man. women are a mystery!!
thank you for the visit, Sam.