Women!

a man needs the help of a psychiatrist to explain why he can't keep a relationship long enough.

“I’ve never had much luck with women,” said Jeremiah Soal in a resigned note. “You’re my last resort, Dr. Deer, at unveiling the mystery. I could tick off my numerous assets but I don’t want to pass for a pretentious sod, if you’ll excuse my French. Suffice it to say that I’m not just a pretty face, if you’ll allow me that expression.”

Jeremiah was lying on the couch in Dr. Noah Deer’s office, which was bathed in a relaxing penumbra. A goose-neck lamp gave off a soft light from a corner of the room. The walls were lined with diplomas and a giant framed picture of Sigmund Freud.

“Hmmm.. Interesting,” said Dr. Deer, in a bored voice. “Why don’t you give me a for-instance?”

Dr. Deer was sitting slightly behind Jeremiah in his swivel chair. He crossed his legs, took off his Gooci glasses and, using his thumb and forefinger, rubbed his eyes and pinched the skin over the bridge of his nose.

Jeremiah thought a moment then said:

“It’s always the same thing. I meet a girl, the chemistry seems to be working just fine and the next thing I know she up and leaves with not so much as an explanation.”

“Why’s that, d’u think?” asked Dr. Deer, tapping his biro on the notepad.

“Frankly, Doc, if I knew that I wouldn’t be here, now would I? You’re the shrink, not me,” snapped Jeremiah back, irritably.

“Fair enough,” said the Doctor, unfazed, “but I’ll have you know, Mr. Soal, that that is a technique we, specialists, use to dredge up the most innermost thoughts.”

“Oh, ok. Well, three months ago, my one but last girlfriend, Milly or Shirley or something similarly silly ran away with the milkman. Now, before you scoff, let me tell you that these things do happen. Anyway, there must be something about the milkmen that makes them irresistible to women. Milk must be good for their.. you know… their thingy. Teeth.  As it’s full of calcium, or so the rumour goes. It must also put lead into their pencils, to put it mildly. Bottom line, I was left in the lurch.”

Jeremiah stopped talking. He appeared to be gathering his thoughts.

“Please, do go on,” urged the psychologist, scribbling on his notepad, “tell me about your last, ehm.. conquest.”

“You twat,”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Yootwat. Her name was Yoko Yootwat. Japanese.”

“Ah, I see. And what happened?”

“Do you want the long version or the short version,” asked the Shrunk (I’m tired of repeating his name. The doctor is the shrink, so..)

Dr. Deer sighed silently, looked at his watch and answered:

“Let’s start with the short one.”

“Right. I took her out a few times and then she invited me to her house. Well, her parents’ to be exact. And that’s the problem, I suppose. You see, her mum and dad had already gone to bed and she let me in through the window. You’re going to find this weird but she’d instructed me to stand under her window and call out a particular sentence. Sort of a secret code.”

“Go on, tell me! We, psychiatrists, are not easily shocked.”

“Well, I had to shout: Yoko Yootwat, let down your s**t, I mean sheet!”

Dr. Noah Deer snorted, trying to stifle a laugh then coughed to try and cover it up.

“Yesterday,” continued the distraught man, “at precisely 10 o’clock, I was standing under her second-floor window. There was a light on inside. I called out:

“Yoko Yootwat, let down your s**t!”

"Sheet," corrected the perceptive Dr., just to show he was attentive.

"Yes, that's what I meant."

Three or four white bed sheets knotted together to form a makeshift rope snaked down from the window and I scampered up the wall. Once inside, I took off my…”

“Ehm, could you leave out the details of your erotic tryst for now, please?” the doctor cut him off.

“Oh!” said J., deflated, “anyway, we had a great time albeit in complete silence. In the middle of the night, I urgently needed to go to the bathroom, see. Yoko said I could not use the bathroom as it was next to her parents' and she was afraid the noise might wake them up.

“ ‘Go do it in the kitchen,’ she whispered.” Jeremiah fell silent.

“What happened next?” urged Dr. Deer.

“When I got back, she uttered a blood-curdling screech and threw me out the window. Thank God, I didn't break my legs. 

Dr. Deer’s eyebrows shot up. “that’s strange!” he said.

“Tell me about it,” answered J., resigned.

“Do you have any idea what made her scream?”

“I haven’t got the foggiest. All I said when I got back was: Any toilet paper?”

Author's Note

who, in all honesty, can pretend to understand women?

Reviews

[Norman 223]

I see you.re back on form Woody. When I read your stories, the first thing I do is unravel the double-endres of your characters, names. Then I get down to the nitty s****y (Whoops! gritty) of the story. See - you're a disturbing influence on my senility.
Keep 'em coming., teacher. They're an education in themselves.
Norm

[Woody]

thank you so much for such a flattering review, Norman. I'm glad my stories can help stave off senility :) and I'm chuffed to bits to see you take the trouble of deciphering the corny names of the characters.

[Cathy Wattam]

This did make me giggle I must admit. You may not understand women but you certainly understand funny. The 'shrunk' did it for me :)

[Woody]

boy! you've spoilt me tonight. thanks heaps, Dear. my page has never been this bright as you keep gracing it with your smile. now don't go and change your pic,please.
goes without saying that I'll return the favour. back in a jiffy.

[Solar]

a risque business it was!

[Woody]

that it was, Solar. thanks for dropping in.

[Archos]

Hilarious! This time I laughed more throughout the story than at the ending, which is, in my opinion a good thing. I really liked the jokes. There's a typo I'd like to bring to you attention, in case you'd like to correct it:

“Yoko Yootwat, let down your s**t!”
"Sheet," corrected thee perceptive Dr, just to show he was attentive.
"Yes, that's what I mant." - I suppose you meant meant.

Overall, great write. Thanks for sharing!

[Woody]

done! all glitches fixed. thanks. and thank you for taking the time my friend.
I'm super glad you enjoyed it.

[TheLostMind]

I love the way this one ends. This one is quite captivating, I usually don't read stories but I am glad I ran into this one. Fantastic job. :)

[Woody]

thanks heaps LostMind. I'm super glad you decided to read this one though you're more attracted to poetry. I'm afraid I'm no poet myself. I've tried my hand at limerics and the like.
anyway, thanks for dropping in and I'm glad you enjoyed this one.

[alifeacoustic]

Yoko Yootwat certainly made an impression Woody. Nt a name you want to have to shout on a Saturday afternoon in the city.
” asked the Shrunk (I’m tired of repeating his name. The doctor is the shrink, so..)...Brilliant. I love the shrink and the shrunk. Nearly fell off my chair.
Love the humour in this piece, a great read, well written. And yes, we try understanding, but resign ourselves to perplexity, as I am sure they do too. :)

[Woody]

haha I imagined myself calling my wife in a street full of people. they might attack me for verbal agression.
thank you very much Alife. so glad you liked it.

[Gee]

Lol,start with the punchline then find a way to fit it in.Love the characters names.....WOODY,WOODY,WOODY,chanted the middle aged man furiously tapping away on his kindle

[Woody]

thank you very much dog lover. yes, I would read a joke, find it funny and say wait, that's not the way to tell it. and off I go on a wild whatsit. and I enjoy the ride and hope the reader does too. so you have a kindle? some guys have all the luck. when I grow up, I'll buy me a kindle.
thanks again, buddy

[Gee]

Woody,we'll never truly grow up.Have a great day

[Woody]

I think you and I belong to a breed that never grows up. you have a good one, too.

[D.G]

There's not much of this piece for me to review because I already think it's great. Like some of your other short stories I've recently perused, I'm impressed and enjoyed by your "literary hilarity," because your writing is really rather funny and witty, and original from start to fin.
I apologize for such a generic and rather uninformative review, but the qualities of your writing style are irresistible!
Great piece here in particular, and keep on doing so as you are... It's refreshing and intellectually stimulating.

[Woody]

thank you so much D.G. I'm honoured and flattered, really. I'm elated you liked this one. I enjoy writing funny pieces and always hope that my readers will enjoy reading them. looks like mission accomplished :) thanks again my friend.

[Valentine]

I expect one of these nights her father will be looking out his window with a shotgun. Do you think she told the next nights visitor to bring his own toilet paper? Valentine

[Woody]

what kept bugging me is where in God's name did he do it? did he climb onto the sink???
thanks for obliging Dear :)

[Lydia Shutter]

OMG.....there were so many funny parts to this. The name of the girlfriend, the way the patient expresses himself, the ending.....all unique and filled with wit. The imagery is so precise, I could picture the doctor's office and also the sheets hanging out of the bedroom window...shades of Rapunzel. I enjoyed this write. Lydi**

[Woody]

thank you Lydia. I'm glad you liked this one. yeah a modern day Rapunzel.
I'm elated you enjoyed the hints and innuendoes inside the story. to me they're more important then the punchline.

[Moonie]

I think I got the end(I am kinda unsure....) I got Yuko Yootwat, and Jeremiah Soal(Clever, clever--is all I can say....), but I didn't get Noah Deer.

[Woody]

thanks loads, Dear. if I can't get the moon, I'm perfectly happy to see her daughter on my page.
read morethanks loads, Dear. if I can't get the moon, I'm perfectly happy to see her daughter on my page.
Noah Deer (Dr. No idea?)