Women!

a man needs the help of a psychiatrist to explain why he can't keep a relationship long enough.

“I’ve never had much luck with women,” said Jeremiah Soal in a resigned note. “You’re my last resort, Dr. Deer, at unveiling the mystery. I could tick off my numerous assets but I don’t want to pass for a pretentious sod, if you’ll excuse my French. Suffice it to say that I’m not just a pretty face, if you’ll allow me that expression.”

Jeremiah was lying on the couch in Dr. Noah Deer’s office, which was bathed in a relaxing penumbra. A goose-neck lamp gave off a soft light from a corner of the room. The walls were lined with diplomas and a giant framed picture of Sigmund Freud.

“Hmmm.. Interesting,” said Dr. Deer, in a bored voice. “Why don’t you give me a for-instance?”

Dr. Deer was sitting slightly behind Jeremiah in his swivel chair. He crossed his legs, took off his Gooci glasses and, using his thumb and forefinger, rubbed his eyes and pinched the skin over the bridge of his nose.

Jeremiah thought a moment then said:

“It’s always the same thing. I meet a girl, the chemistry seems to be working just fine and the next thing I know she up and leaves with not so much as an explanation.”

“Why’s that, d’u think?” asked Dr. Deer, tapping his biro on the notepad.

“Frankly, Doc, if I knew that I wouldn’t be here, now would I? You’re the shrink, not me,” snapped Jeremiah back, irritably.

“Fair enough,” said the Doctor, unfazed, “but I’ll have you know, Mr. Soal, that that is a technique we, specialists, use to dredge up the most innermost thoughts.”

“Oh, ok. Well, three months ago, my one but last girlfriend, Milly or Shirley or something similarly silly ran away with the milkman. Now, before you scoff, let me tell you that these things do happen. Anyway, there must be something about the milkmen that makes them irresistible to women. Milk must be good for their.. you know… their thingy. Teeth.  As it’s full of calcium, or so the rumour goes. It must also put lead into their pencils, to put it mildly. Bottom line, I was left in the lurch.”

Jeremiah stopped talking. He appeared to be gathering his thoughts.

“Please, do go on,” urged the psychologist, scribbling on his notepad, “tell me about your last, ehm.. conquest.”

“You twat,”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Yootwat. Her name was Yoko Yootwat. Japanese.”

“Ah, I see. And what happened?”

“Do you want the long version or the short version,” asked the Shrunk (I’m tired of repeating his name. The doctor is the shrink, so..)

Dr. Deer sighed silently, looked at his watch and answered:

“Let’s start with the short one.”

“Right. I took her out a few times and then she invited me to her house. Well, her parents’ to be exact. And that’s the problem, I suppose. You see, her mum and dad had already gone to bed and she let me in through the window. You’re going to find this weird but she’d instructed me to stand under her window and call out a particular sentence. Sort of a secret code.”

“Go on, tell me! We, psychiatrists, are not easily shocked.”

“Well, I had to shout: Yoko Yootwat, let down your s**t, I mean sheet!”

Dr. Noah Deer snorted, trying to stifle a laugh then coughed to try and cover it up.

“Yesterday,” continued the distraught man, “at precisely 10 o’clock, I was standing under her second-floor window. There was a light on inside. I called out:

“Yoko Yootwat, let down your s**t!”

"Sheet," corrected the perceptive Dr., just to show he was attentive.

"Yes, that's what I meant."

Three or four white bed sheets knotted together to form a makeshift rope snaked down from the window and I scampered up the wall. Once inside, I took off my…”

“Ehm, could you leave out the details of your erotic tryst for now, please?” the doctor cut him off.

“Oh!” said J., deflated, “anyway, we had a great time albeit in complete silence. In the middle of the night, I urgently needed to go to the bathroom, see. Yoko said I could not use the bathroom as it was next to her parents' and she was afraid the noise might wake them up.

“ ‘Go do it in the kitchen,’ she whispered.” Jeremiah fell silent.

“What happened next?” urged Dr. Deer.

“When I got back, she uttered a blood-curdling screech and threw me out the window. Thank God, I didn't break my legs. 

Dr. Deer’s eyebrows shot up. “that’s strange!” he said.

“Tell me about it,” answered J., resigned.

“Do you have any idea what made her scream?”

“I haven’t got the foggiest. All I said when I got back was: Any toilet paper?”

Author's Note

who, in all honesty, can pretend to understand women?

Reviews

[Norman 223]

I see you.re back on form Woody. When I read your stories, the first thing I do is unravel the double-endres of your characters, names. Then I get down to the nitty s****y (Whoops! gritty) of the story. See - you're a disturbing influence on my senility.
Keep 'em coming., teacher. They're an education in themselves.
Norm

[Woody]

thank you so much for such a flattering review, Norman. I'm glad my stories can help stave off senility :) and I'm chuffed to bits to see you take the trouble of deciphering the corny names of the characters.

[1VJ]

I thought oh no, when I read the title, where is he going with this gem. Ha, you must have been on that funny bone line quite a few times! Hilarious, you're in my soul too Woody ! Pricelessly amused! :)

[Woody]

I'm thrilled as always that you found this amusing, Paloma. thank you, Dear. I'd like to say this: although I sometimes make fun of women, I do have a tremendous respect for them. they're the nicer half of society :)

[1VJ]

You better believe it! :) I know it's all in good fun, you remain insanely funny and insane too. ;)

[Woody]

ok good enough for me. I'll take that as a compliment.

[1VJ]

But of course!

[Lorry]

Was so busy thinking of possible punchlines that I never saw that one coming. Was convinced it was gonna have something to do with having Noah Dear :)
Brilliant, great start to the morning. Cheers Woody.

[Woody]

I'm elated you enjoyed this one, Nemo and glad the ending took you by surprise :)
I had Noah Deer you were going to like this.
thanks heaps "Dear".

[barleygirl]

Now Sam, he stretches my piddly misfiring imagination . . . whereas you are beyond my wildest imagination. I can't even think of what to say about the totality of a story like this, so I'll focus on details . . . like "shrink" and "shrunk" . . . the twat's name . . . etc. All I can say is that you must be having so much fun inside that noggin of yours! Sometimes I'm reading along & I have a delayed reaction to some of your more subtle jabs & jives. You are a mind-blowing writer operating in a realm that knows no bounds. Besides that, your actual writing & construction are flawless.

[Woody]

boyohboyohboy! I'm beside myself with joy (damn, didn't mean it to rhyme). this glowing praise is definitely going into my scrapbook. thanks a million barleygirl. so glad you enjoyed this one.
now if you'll let me bask in your praise for a coupla minutes, then I'll go read some of your writes :)

[barleygirl]

As an aside, I don't see this message as being unique to any gender . . . I think PEOPLE are hard to figure out.

[Woody]

I'm with you on that point but being married to a woman for nearly 30 years, I consider myself something of a connoisseur in that department and women are both fascinating and baffling.
Ma'm, you're out of our league :)

[barleygirl]

Having NEVER been married in almost 60 years, you are totally correct (((HUGS)))

[Emily B]

I don't even understand us. But what fun would it be if the mystery were gone?

[Woody]

you're absolutely right Emily. that's, paradoxically what makes women irresistable. you have of course understood that I was only fooling around.
thank you for taking the time. much appreciated.

[Nisreen]

funny fact
Women dont even understand themselves
all these emotions in one body
is alot

so i totally agree here

The old age question comes to mind

what do women want ??

[Woody]

haha indeed what do they want. been married for over 20 years and my wife is still as much of a puzzle as when she first said: I do.

thanks loads for stopping in, RiverSided.

[Nisreen]

i guess this puzzle is interesting
thats what makes a woman so beautiful ............. my pleasure always :)

[...]

Yoko Yootwat...blink...you certainly are creative, my friend lol The shrunk...hahahahaha
Where does your mind come up with this stuff? You certainly are original! That's a compliment :)

[Woody]

thank you so much Lynn. I'm humbled. to answer your question: Go figure! haha. acually, I enjoy writing these quirky stories and feel so flattered when they are appreciated.

[...]

They, and you, are very much appreciated, Woody :-)

[Great Aunt Astri]

A little surprise for Mum the next morning! I wonder where he did it? Not surprised he keeps losing his girlfriends. Do you know, as in all your humorous stories, there is a serious message!

[Woody]

a big smelly surprise, yeah :) and the sink's my bet but I wouldn't swear to that.
if you found a message in there, so much the better.
thanks loads Auntie.

[Taylor]

This is a stitch. I love all the double meanings, the crisp details, the dialogue with Shrink and Shrunk. This must have been as much fun to write as to read.

[Woody]

yes indeed, Taylor. I firmly believe that the writer should be the first to enjoy the piece. if I don't laugh when I'm writing, then no need to publish.
always such a joy when you like my story. thank you.

[Scrap]

Haha....besides the funny writing, your attention to detail in the description of the room, the shrink...is amazing!

[Woody]

haha thanks again Scrap. I have fun writing these stories and I'm glad people like them.
by the way, I hope you're reviewing other writers. that's how they'll come to know you.

[Scrap]

Yes i am. But i am gladly indebted to my first reviewer. :)))

P.S. Or do u want me to sod off?! :P

[Woody]

hahaha of course not and thank you very much. just wanted you to know how to "force" people to review you. that's how it is on this site.