Brave Heart

you need to watch a movie several times to be able to appreciate it fully.

The day was overcast but it took nothing of the beauty of the green glen, the neighbouring knoll and the towering centennial trees that were bordering the whole area like sentinels. The whole expanse was as widespread as two football pitches side by side.

It was a peaceful scene and yet the air felt charged. The birds had stopped their morning serenade as if sensing a momentous occurrence.

The horizon darkened perceptibly. It quickly became clear that a great number of riders were approaching. A black tsunami of men on horseback started filling the space. The thundering beat of the horses’ hooves was deafening. Soon they were close enough to touch. The details became sharper. They were hardened warriors, clearly on the war path. Their leader raised his arm and they stopped. There was paint on the faces of the men who held an assortment of weapons: swords, axes and clubs. The muscles on their arms were bulging. Their mounts looked as impatient to move on as they were. They were snorting, stamping, rearing to go.

The cameraman made a wide sweep of this human sea then soared overhead and offered us a breathtaking bird view of the scene; a thrumming sea of bodies, then zoomed in and took a low view shot of the leader. Looking at him from the ground up made him appear gigantic. He was simply majestic. His back was ramrod straight, his blond hair flowing in the wind. The paint could not conceal his grim, chiseled features nor his legendary blue eyes as they scanned the far distance. It was none other than the handsome Mel Gibson sitting on his fidgeting horse. The animal’s nostrils were flaring, foam dripping around the bit and eyes bulging. The fiery red coat of the horse was covered in a sheen of sweat.

I suddenly realized I was holding my breath. I exhaled audibly.

“Damn!” was all Zee said. He was sprawled on the couch, a bowl of popcorn propped up on his stomach, a leg flung on the back of the couch. Bokhsh, my other friend was occupying the adjoining armchair and I was sitting on the carpet, leaning against the wall, my own popcorn forgotten.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

The following evening, my friends and I purchased “Meet the Fockers”, the one featuring Ben Stiller, De Nero and Hoffman. We bought the beer, the popcorn, cashew nuts and settled down for an evening of fun.

Zee went to eject the Mel Gibson and insert Ben Stiller but the damn CD rack refused to budge. Try as we might, the flipping thing would not open.

“S**t!” complained Bokhsh, “I was looking forward to watching something funny.”

“Listen,” I said, “it’s a good movie. We might as well see it again.”

They agreed and we settled for a rerun of the epic adventures of M.G. I, for one, was secretly happy to see the movie again. I discovered a few things I hadn’t noticed the first time and the pleasure was by no means diminished. My favourite low-view shot came on and I couldn’t even blink. A wispy vapour was rising in the crisp morning air from the sweaty flanks of the animal while M.G. reminded me of Nelson in Trafalgar square. On this second evening, we allowed ourselves to remark on a few things, having seen the movie before. Bokhsh even regaled us with a couple of farts which lightened the mood but stank the room. Bokhsh is a notorious farter in my circle of friends.

The following evening, we went to the pub, played pools and generally drank ourselves silly. We promised to meet again at my place, the following night, try again to dislodge the recalcitrant CD and perhaps finally watch the Fockers.

We tried everything we could; we used a knife, a screwdriver, a paper clip, nothing doing! Resigned, we sighed, popped, each, a beer open and settled for yet another viewing.

The movie was definitely one of my favourites but, to this day, the low-view shot of M.G. is perfection. The extreme close-ups were made all the more realistic by my wide LCD screen.

          

           * * * * * * * * * * *

Eight days later, we’d ended up watching the movie six times. By the end, we knew it by heart. We could recite the different parts verbatim. And of course, my favourite shot remained, you have guessed, M.G. on his horse, looking in the distance with his piercing blue eyes, on the point of farting into the dough.. euh.. darting into the foe.

The following Saturday, Zee said

“Sorry, guys, as good as the movie is, I’ve had my fill of it.”

“Me, too,” said Bokhsh.

I had to agree that enough was enough and so we went to the “Globe”, the best and only movie theatre in town. I bet that if you’ve been paying attention, you will have guessed that the featured film was.. Correct! Brave Heart.

We deliberated, argued, turned to leave but finally I won the vote. I convinced them that since we were there, we might as well watch the film on a gigantic screen.

“You won’t regret it,” I promised.

We got in as the lights dimmed and were ushered right to the front pews as the place was packed.

We sat, or rather sprawled, looking up at the screen. It was most uncomfortable but it was bloody worth it.

I kept waiting for my favourite shot with bated breath. It was finally there. Mel Gibson in all his glory. I could stretch my arm and touch his mount’s leg, I was that close. It was truly breathtaking. Beyond breathtaking. The horse stamped and snorted. Mel looked ahead, unmoving. Then slowly, he lowered his gaze, a puzzled frown formed on his forehead and his mouth curled into a smile. He looked me in the eye and said:

“Woody, what the hell are you doing here??”   

Reviews

[Kayja Symphious]

It's been a while since I've gotten a chance to read your works...and, boy have I been missing them! Your understated style goes so well with your humor. I loved the line "we went to the “Globe”, the best and only movie theatre in town. " That line made me laugh out loud.

Thanks for this Woody. I needed a pick-me-up!

[Woody]

thank you very much Kayja :) always a pleasure to make you laugh out loud.
I hope everything's alright with you.

[busterlee]

Thanks for the story. I enjoyed it. I was expecting your friend to fart in the theater.

[Woody]

once again, thank you so much for stopping in, busterlee. glad you enjoyed it.
well, funny you should mention that, I can tell you my friend did stink the place :)
I haven't been around much lately but I'll definitely take a look at your writing.

[barleygirl]

This is a truly remarkable creation of yours! I swear, you never fail to blow my mind with your wide array of word crafting, both serious & funny. This story is actually better than the M.G. film! In our country, M.G. has gotten so much bad press for his bizarre real-life exploits, it's hard to enjoy his films anymore, without seeing him as a pompous a*s. Cleverly, you've portrayed his pomposity here with even more cleverness than he portrays himself in his self-directed movies! I'm afraid your excellent writing here has once again outshined another of your weak ending twists! (((HUGS)))

[barleygirl]

Oh yeah . . . and the fart sequence . . . unforgettable! I laughed out loud!

[Woody]

I read somewhere that he was a real A.hole to his divorcee or ex friend. I liked him in some movies but I'm not really crazy about him. he's good but I prefer De Nero, Pacino, Washington..
yes not a terrific ending, I agree but that was the springboard I told you about.
thanks a bunch, B. so glad you found it interesting :)

[barleygirl]

I'm in love with Robert DeNiro *smile*

[Jimmy Yetts]

Most amusing, Woody!--and very well written.
What the hell were you doing there, dude?
(One of my favorite movies, by the way.)

[Woody]

thanks a lot Frankie. it certainly helped me to brush up my Scottish brogue :)
it is a good movie, no question. didn't he win an oscar?

[Valentine]

I think I needed a Brave Heart to sit through this write 6 times. Where you keep coming up with these witty tales is beyond me. Valentine

[Woody]

you're too kind, Kathie. thank you :) I try hard to produce something worthy of the reader's time. I hope I succeeded to a certain extent.

[Lydia Shutter]

Very good, Woody. Your sense of humor always has me giggling...though I have to say I NEVER go to Mel Gibson movies. The schtick about him looking at you and asking what you were doing in the theater is such a cute touch. Well written. Lydi**

[Woody]

thanks heaps Lydia. tell you the truth, he's not my favourite either. he's ok, I guess but not in the class of De Nero, Al Pacino.....
I picked him up for the scene of the horse.
thanks again :)

[Don't just B, but B ama..]

Now that my friends is a story. Ha Ha I'm becoming a huge fan here Woody. Keep 'em coming. Cheers.

[Woody]

thanks Brian. you made my day. I mostly write humourous pieces and aim at helping brighten the mood here. there are wonderful writers and poets but it can get a little heavy at times.

[Tiana]

Wow! So wonderfully written, Woody! Such an enjoyable read! Merry Christmas :)

[Woody]

thank you so much IW. I'm elated that you liked it. and Merry Christmas to you, too :)

[Terpsichore]

Delightfully surreal and the ending was just superb. T

[Woody]

I'm humbled and overwhelmed. thank you Terpsichore.

[M.E.Lyle]

Woody, where do you come up with this stuff? Just when we think we have things figured out, you go and blow us out of the water. I remember the movie Last of the Mohicans. One of the Indians fell off a cliff. Everyone assumed he was pushed, but the truth is, he farted and it blew him off the cliff. He hasn't been seen since.

[Woody]

hahahaha this is a dangerous fart. I'll make sure to watch this movie. farts always make me laugh.
thank you Mike for taking the trouble. always a pleasure to make readers laugh.

[M.E.Lyle]

The truth is Woody, I just made that up. Had to come up with something.

[Woody]

you are incorrigible, Mike. did you say you're no longer 65? please, don't grow up! :)