Careful what you wish for!

chinwag in my favourite bar

Ron and I were having a beer at the Skull & Bones, a joint owned by a retired one-eyed pirate. No, he didn’t come with the wooden leg and the parrot on his shoulder, in case you were wondering. Just the dirty eye patch.

A few other patrons were huddled over their drinks on that bitter December afternoon. Fred the Ferret was sitting at his usual corner table, busily foraging inside his nose. I kept expecting his finger to poke out of his bald pate, one of those days if he kept at it.

A gust of wind shook the windows and I turned back to Ron. He lit his third cigarette in as many minutes. I noticed that, since he lost his legs, my friend Ron started hitting the bottle and the packet, too. Who’d blame him? This was back in the days when smoking Homo sapiens didn’t have to step outside for a smoke and freeze their butts off. There was no TV in the place. The jukebox was going at it full blast. Bob Dylan was telling a story of a murder during a tornado, in his typical nasal voice.     

“Isn’t that Whatsisname?” asked Ron, nodding towards a man who’d just walked in, shaking his umbrella and furling it.

“Yeah, that’s him. Have you heard his father, Whatsisface,’s dead?”

“Oh my God! No! When was that?”

“Coupla days ago. Heart attack.”

“Jesus! What a shame! Such a nice guy.”

“That, he was.”

“What? Gone bad, has he?”

“Of course not! But he can’t be nice, now he’s dead, can he?”

“Oh, yesyes. Sorry. How did Whatchamacallher, his wife, take the news?”

“Who knows? She’s been dead two years now.”

“Whatchamacallher is dead? Jesus Christ!

“Look! You’re making it sound like it’s a national tragedy. She died at the ripe age of 85 and he passed on while blowing out his 90^th candle on the birthday cake.”

“What icing did they use?”

“What?”

“On the cake. What did they use?”

“Oh! Chocolate, I think.”

“Mmm! I love chocolate.”

“So did he, but he didn’t get to eat it.”

“The guests gobbled it all down, I suppose.”

“Look, he died before taking as much as a bite.”

“Yes, I got that. Think I’m stupid? Anyway, what a couple!”

“Yeah, they were.”

“What? Having problems, are they?”

“Who?”

“Whatsisface and Whatchamacallher.”

“But… But they’re dead!!”

“Both are dead? Car accident?”

Talking to Ron has become such a pain in the you-kno-wwhat since he lost his legs. I drained my glass and decided to change the subject.

“How’re they hangin’, Ronny?”

“what ‘they’?”

“Oops! Sorry. Wrong choice of words. How’ve you been keeping?”

Ron tried to find a better position on his wheelchair, fixing me with his left eye while his right one gazed at the ceiling. If he was self conscious about his birth defect, he never let on. Sometimes he’d choose to look at you with his right eye while the left looked at the ground, as if searching for something he’s lost.

“Ok, I suppose. Considering. But funny you should ask how they’re hangin’. You’re my best friend and I don’t mind telling you. I’ve developed scabs on my private parts.”

“WHAT?” I asked, nearly choking on the beer Harry’d brought without me asking.

“It’s a pain in the arse, literally. You see, when I’m home, I hate using the wheelchair. Plus I don’t wear underpants. I move about on my hands, see? Well you can picture the situation.”

“God, Ron, I don’t know whether to laugh or feel sorry for you. But are you going to satisfy my curiosity, at last? How did you get to lose your legs?”

“I’ll tell you but promise not to laugh!”

“Hey, I’m your friend and this is no laughing matter.”

“Alright. You know I keep telling people I was hit by a train. Well, the truth is I asked God to give me one that reached the ground. I guess he obliged. God has a weird sense of humour, my friend.”

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Now this is freakin' hilarious! Finally a twist that more than makes up for the last couple weak endings! *tee! hee!* I absolutely LOVE this twist! Even my favorite sequence starting with "busily foraging inside his nose" didn't outshine your ending, this time! *smile* The whatshisface & whatchamacallher are pretty much what everyone in my life is called these days, as my memory fades . . . thanks for brightening up a morning that started out with a few suicide poems in a row! I can always count on you to maintain levity!

[Woody]

always a pleasure to oblige B. :)
thanks for reading and reviewing. I feel fuzzy knowing this brightened your day.

[M.E.Lyle]

Yes, I can see Benny Hill here. A very humorous little skit.

[Woody]

hello Mike. thanks for dropping by. glad you find it amusing. if you, too, think it sounds like Benny Hill, then I'm flattered. I've laughed at quite a few of his sketches.

[M.E.Lyle]

Yes, he's pretty hilarious. Another close comparison to this work is Faulty Towers. I nearly die each time I watch.

[Trace]

This could be a skit for one of those British comedies. .....oh what were they called?
It sucks getting old.....

Oh yeah: Benny Hill or Monty Pythons flying circus.

I can see two old farts having this conversation.
LMAO. .....

Trace

[Woody]

mmmm you're very perceptive, Trace. I may have been unwittingly influenced by those comedians. I'm partial to the British Humour and Monty Python are among my favourites.
thanks again, Trace. I'm super happy you took the time.

[Trace]

I can still the music for Benny Hill in my mind
And one of my favorite skits from MPFC: it's only a flesh wound....

[Woody]

haha yes that one's very funny. I love "life of Brian" and the song on the crosses at the end. always look on the briiiiight side of life...
hilarious.

[Terpsichore]

God is not the only one with a weird sense of humour.

'How're they hangin' Ronny?' That's a bit of pure and wonderful unadulterated London speak that is. You ever been to the smoke?

[Woody]

once. ages ago, for a couple o' days only. (sigh). how I wish I could spend some time there! love England. I've spent a year in Scotland, though (Aberdeen).
yes, I'm in love with the English humour. always have. (Rowan Atkinson, John Cleese....)
ta, luv, for stopping by.

[Matching Socks]

Ok, I don't know if I should laugh or cry either!
:-) thanks for the laughter Woody.

[Woody]

thank YOU Lady :)
of course you can laugh. Ron won't mind.

[Symphonic_Sunflowers]

I really liked the dialogue, I found it worthy of a giggle :) Another good write, Woody. There is no wrong you can do :)

Chloe D

[Woody]

thanks a lot Chloe. appreciate the visite. I'm always happy to make you giggle :)

[Troy Henson]

Great piece Woody. Loved this one. Laughing out loud! You certainly have a way with words my friend.

[Woody]

thank you Troy.most kind of you. I enjoy writing funny pieces tremendously and what a reward when readers find them worthwhile!! :)

[Ania L]

Love, just love the start to this story. The first two paragraphs are sublime. What a talented writer you are. Looking forward to more stories from you.

[Woody]

aww how kind of you to say so, Ania. I'm thrilled you liked it. thank you for stopping by and leaving a nice comment :)

[Ania L]

You are very welcome, I love finding new good bits of writing!

[Samuel Dickens]

Heh-heh, that's a funny one, although I've heard that punch line before. (Something about a magic lamp and three wishes) Now, I must ask--were you in vaudeville? You don't appear old enough, but you'd be a great act.

[Woody]

hey Sam. glad you found it funny. now I need to make something clear (I'd hate to be accused of plagiarism). some of my stories are mine from start to finish. with some others, I take the punchline of an old joke and have fun rewriting it my own way.
now, isn't vaudeville a sort of entertainment? you make it sound like a place!
so you think I'm not old enough? people tell me I don't look my age. I'll be 60 next August.

[Samuel Dickens]

Really? I thought you were just a wee pup, no more than 47.

[Woody]

haha yeah, an old dog more like.
runs in the family, I suppose. my old man died at the age of 85 with very few white hairs on his temples.
now, ve teef, vat's somefin else :(

[MsJewel]

I'm in awe of your amazing talent and your stellar sense of humor. This one left me laughing out loud. Thanks for the giggles this evening!

:) Julie

[Woody]

thanks a million Jewel. always an immense pleasure to be able to make people laugh :)

[Bright Ocean Star]

Woody, your stories are always hysterical. Disturbing, but hysterical. Thank you for sending this one along for us to read. :) Great ending, by the way!

[Woody]

thanks heaps Anne :) I'm thrilled you like my stories although they may sometimes be disturbing :( I have fun writing them and hope to make readers at least smile. I try my best not to step outside the bounds of propriety. I hate mockery.

[Bright Ocean Star]

I don't think this stepped outside bounds of propriety...although it was a shock at the end..but very well done and quite the point. I do enjoy reading your pieces. I don't like mockery, either...:)