Careful what you wish for!

chinwag in my favourite bar

Ron and I were having a beer at the Skull & Bones, a joint owned by a retired one-eyed pirate. No, he didn’t come with the wooden leg and the parrot on his shoulder, in case you were wondering. Just the dirty eye patch.

A few other patrons were huddled over their drinks on that bitter December afternoon. Fred the Ferret was sitting at his usual corner table, busily foraging inside his nose. I kept expecting his finger to poke out of his bald pate, one of those days if he kept at it.

A gust of wind shook the windows and I turned back to Ron. He lit his third cigarette in as many minutes. I noticed that, since he lost his legs, my friend Ron started hitting the bottle and the packet, too. Who’d blame him? This was back in the days when smoking Homo sapiens didn’t have to step outside for a smoke and freeze their butts off. There was no TV in the place. The jukebox was going at it full blast. Bob Dylan was telling a story of a murder during a tornado, in his typical nasal voice.     

“Isn’t that Whatsisname?” asked Ron, nodding towards a man who’d just walked in, shaking his umbrella and furling it.

“Yeah, that’s him. Have you heard his father, Whatsisface,’s dead?”

“Oh my God! No! When was that?”

“Coupla days ago. Heart attack.”

“Jesus! What a shame! Such a nice guy.”

“That, he was.”

“What? Gone bad, has he?”

“Of course not! But he can’t be nice, now he’s dead, can he?”

“Oh, yesyes. Sorry. How did Whatchamacallher, his wife, take the news?”

“Who knows? She’s been dead two years now.”

“Whatchamacallher is dead? Jesus Christ!

“Look! You’re making it sound like it’s a national tragedy. She died at the ripe age of 85 and he passed on while blowing out his 90^th candle on the birthday cake.”

“What icing did they use?”

“What?”

“On the cake. What did they use?”

“Oh! Chocolate, I think.”

“Mmm! I love chocolate.”

“So did he, but he didn’t get to eat it.”

“The guests gobbled it all down, I suppose.”

“Look, he died before taking as much as a bite.”

“Yes, I got that. Think I’m stupid? Anyway, what a couple!”

“Yeah, they were.”

“What? Having problems, are they?”

“Who?”

“Whatsisface and Whatchamacallher.”

“But… But they’re dead!!”

“Both are dead? Car accident?”

Talking to Ron has become such a pain in the you-kno-wwhat since he lost his legs. I drained my glass and decided to change the subject.

“How’re they hangin’, Ronny?”

“what ‘they’?”

“Oops! Sorry. Wrong choice of words. How’ve you been keeping?”

Ron tried to find a better position on his wheelchair, fixing me with his left eye while his right one gazed at the ceiling. If he was self conscious about his birth defect, he never let on. Sometimes he’d choose to look at you with his right eye while the left looked at the ground, as if searching for something he’s lost.

“Ok, I suppose. Considering. But funny you should ask how they’re hangin’. You’re my best friend and I don’t mind telling you. I’ve developed scabs on my private parts.”

“WHAT?” I asked, nearly choking on the beer Harry’d brought without me asking.

“It’s a pain in the arse, literally. You see, when I’m home, I hate using the wheelchair. Plus I don’t wear underpants. I move about on my hands, see? Well you can picture the situation.”

“God, Ron, I don’t know whether to laugh or feel sorry for you. But are you going to satisfy my curiosity, at last? How did you get to lose your legs?”

“I’ll tell you but promise not to laugh!”

“Hey, I’m your friend and this is no laughing matter.”

“Alright. You know I keep telling people I was hit by a train. Well, the truth is I asked God to give me one that reached the ground. I guess he obliged. God has a weird sense of humour, my friend.”

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Now this is freakin' hilarious! Finally a twist that more than makes up for the last couple weak endings! *tee! hee!* I absolutely LOVE this twist! Even my favorite sequence starting with "busily foraging inside his nose" didn't outshine your ending, this time! *smile* The whatshisface & whatchamacallher are pretty much what everyone in my life is called these days, as my memory fades . . . thanks for brightening up a morning that started out with a few suicide poems in a row! I can always count on you to maintain levity!

[Woody]

always a pleasure to oblige B. :)
thanks for reading and reviewing. I feel fuzzy knowing this brightened your day.

[Coyote Poetry]

“Alright. You know I keep telling people I was hit by a train. Well, the truth is I asked God to give me one that reached the ground. I guess he obliged. God has a weird sense of humour, my friend.”
I did like the ending. Felt like a story in the book Jack London's "When Gods laugh". I enjoyed the complete tale. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Woody]

thank you very much Coyote. I'm sure glad you liked this quirky story. I don't think I know "when Gods laugh". I'll certainly check it out.

[Coyote Poetry]

You will enjoy the book. Similar story like this one. My favorite story in the book is "Just Meat".

[Woody]

I'll read it :) thanks a lot.

[Marie]

Is this a book of his short stories?

[Woody]

yes Marie. I've Googled it. When God Laughs and other short stories.

[Marie]

I'll have to look it up too. I don't particularly care for Jack London's adventure stories, but he wrote a book of science fiction stories called "The Star Rover" which I enjoyed a lot.

[AprilRN1210]

Indeed some days I wonder who laughs last.. loved the banter.. reminds me of my uncle who talks like that.. very well done and entertaining as usual.. got a giggle outta me as always.. one question though.. how can you tell what both of his eyes are doing if he has a dirty patch on one of them?.. kinda threw me off..

[Woody]

oh Jeez! did I make a blunder? the one-eyed fella's the owner of the bar, the retired pirate. Ron and I were having a beer at his bar. Ron's the guy with the funny eyes? should I make it clearer, d'u think?

[AprilRN1210]

nah.. reread.. my mistake.. my eyes were faster than my brain the first time:D

[Marie]

You've been away fro a while, and I'm certainly glad to see your work again. And I'm certainly glad you haven't changed. You have a weird sense of humour.

[Woody]

haha weid sense of humour. just like God.
thanks a lot Marie. I'm glad to be back too. I had to finish some urgent translation and couldn't afford to be distracted by WC.