Aphrodite

do you believe in fairies? I do.

It was an unseasonably warm October morning though her Ladyship the Sun was playing peek-a-boo behind the fluffy clouds. The leaves had started to turn a beautiful golden brown, some still barely hanging from the limbs of trees but most formed a luscious yellow-brown carpet that covered the tree-boardered alley. The crackling dry leaves under my feet had a strange uplifting effect on me. The park was oddly deserted that morning. I had it all to myself. The joy of working from home. No office hours for me. I took a swig from the lukewarm take-away coffee and filled my lungs with the clean crisp air. A bird warbled somewhere overhead but I couldn’t identify it. It could’ve been a finch or a redbreast.

I got to my usual favourite spot and sat down on the bench facing the two old statues. As usual, I greeted Aphrodite first.

“Good morning Gorgeous. I trust you’re feeling well today.”

The voluptuous goddess didn’t deign to reply and continued to gaze loftily at the distance.

“And how are you handsome Adonis?”

That didn’t elicit a response either. It pained me to see these gorgeous masterpieces covered in grime and bird s**t. There they were, standing on their pedestals, stoically enduring the onslaught of the seasons.

A couple of pigeons strutted close by, pecking at the ground. I got my packet of sunflower seeds out of my pocket and (Gee, see what I’ve just said? Pocket? Because people usually keep packets up their a…s!)

Anyway, I threw them a handful of the black seed. They immediately dived in and a whole flock appeared from nowhere and joined the feast, including the ones perched on the statues.

Allow me to stop the narration at this point to make something clear. What you’re about to read will seem so phantasmagoric (where the hell does that word come from? Don’t even know what it means!) that many of you will roll their eyes and go “tsk tsk”. Only those who’ve already read some of my other stories will believe me. They know what kind of level-headed, serious, sensible, trustworthy and wonderful person I am. I’m not given to lying or confabulating (damn, who’s slipping these words inside my story?). If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I’d never have believed it. Back to the story.

As I watched the frenzied feeding of the pigeons, I heard soft fluttering of wings and raised my head, expecting to see another pigeon come join the party. What I saw instead nearly knocked me off my bench. There, in front of me, about six feet off the ground, hovered what I can only call a fairy. What else can it be? A stunningly beautiful creature with the features of a girl. She was almost transparent. She wore a very short skirt and had some sort of a tiara on her head. She was looking at the statues with longing. She approached them and I clearly heard her say:

“I grant you five minutes of human life.”

She then raised a wand and lightly touch each in turn. They instantly turned into flesh and bone. Aphrodite turned to Adonis and smiled. (Did you know she had a crooked tooth? Hard to believe, huh?) Adonis smiled back, stepped down from his perch and held his hand for his companion. They then rushed into a thicket among the trees. I saw the bush moving and heard the rustling of the leaves. The park rang with the sound of laughter and squeals of delight. There were oohs and aahs and a moment later, they emerged in the open, Adonis had a silly grin on his face and Aphrodite’s cheeks were flushed. Adonis looked at Aphrodite with a twinkle in his eyes and, breathless, told her:

“Tell you what. Now you hold the pigeon and I s**t on it.”   

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This is one of your finer twists, my friend. I SO did not see that coming & I loved this payback. The writing is often bordering on graceful & elevated, so that this down-and-dirty ending comes as an even bigger surprise & contrast . . . not to mention that everyone is expecting something delightfully sexual!

1st paragraph: "tree-boarded alley" . . . did you mean "bordered"?
Also, last long paragraph is missing an opening parenthesis.

[Woody]

awww I just love your visits B. a big fat thank you to you. (that's a new one!) I love surprising the reader.
well spotted, Eagle-eye! I'll fix those.
oh and sorry to have disappointed you with the ending :) hehehe

[James]

This was awesome, I'm still laughing. I've traveled back a few years to read this and I can see that you've always had this style. Always good for a laugh and a cheer-you-up. I love the big words and the baffled narrator too. Lots of fun.

[Woody]

many thanks, James. always a joy to see you enjoy my stories.

[Gee]

LOL,we always say upper management are pigeons and us foot soldiers the statues upon which they s**t every time they visit site.Enjoyed the tale as always Woody.

[Woody]

haha I like that you saw in the story more than I ever intended, Gee. as always thank you for stopping to read, pal. and what a joy to know you enjoyed the story!

[Gee]

My pleasure Woody

[alifeacoustic]

Ha, superb Sir. I am so glad that I am not the only one who interrupts his own narrations Woody, it definitely leas the reader into trusting the piece more in this occasion I think, as well as brilliantly infuriating all those purists who point their noses to the moon if it isn't done their way, which I consider the boring, or vanilla way.
As for the random words that came unexpectedly, maybe you were reading a thesaurus in a dream that you forgot you had, but the brain held onto :)
Really fun and enjoyable read.

[Woody]

thanks loads my friend . I can always trust you to make my day with your reviews. for me, writing is mostly fun and it's gratifying to see readers enjoy my unconventional stories.
glad you enjoyed it :)

[Archos]

Hilarious! Sir, you've made my day, consider me your fan!

[Woody]

thanks loads Archos. I'm flattered and sure glad you had fun with this one :)

[Beccy]

A re-read, just as wonderfully entertaining as the first time.

Beccy.

[Woody]

aww I'm flattered and honoured. you know, I cherish praise that comes from a super witty writer.
read moreaww I'm flattered and honoured. you know, I cherish praise that comes from a super witty writer.
I don't know why you don't write stories like that one about God and Jesus. you know the one.

[Samuel Dickens]

Woody, Woody, Woody, look what you've done--you've made gods act just like humans. Shagging and sh..ting in the park--oh, my. I didn't really expect you to have them burst into song. I'll have this image in my head all day. Think they'd go for a threesome?

[Woody]

hahaha I could place a word for you, being a demi-god myself, and all. you'll have to wait for a second passage of the fairy though.

[Moonie]

Avoy!!!
When I set foot on this train, I knew just how level-headed, serious, sensible, trustworthy and wonderful the driver was. And sure enough, the comely assemblage of these qualities led to quite a labyrinthine journey. Now that the initial shock is over and the truth behind the furtive drive is out, an ingénue such as I, should obviously have been outraged by the deception of the seemingly shy and reserved driver, but rather than that, I set out to write a review for this side-splitting, rib-tickling, chucklesome story.....hmm, what would become of me???

[Woody]

YOOHOO!!! and what a review this is! thank you Moon's Daughter :) always a pleasure to make you laugh. I personally think I am all the above. I should've added good looking but my modesty prevented me from doing so.

[Moonie]

Good looking and modest!--what a lethal combination!!!!

[Woody]

I know [sigh]. that's my lot. I learnt to live with it. it could've been worse. I could've been good looking, modest and well-built.

[M.E.Lyle]

Ha ha Woody, loved it. And , as usual, the serious side of you, the phantazmagorphhha, oh crap, I can't even come close. Butt, whatever it is, you're it. Is that a good thing? Notice the double t at the end of, "but." There's a reason for it, but I'm not sure what.
Have a great day...and watch out for that Aphrodite. I hear she's a loose woman, even if she is made of stone.

[Woody]

haha yeah I did notice the double "t" and I thought you were calling me butt. I thought if I let that pass, next time he'll add "hole" and I'll be the laughing stock of the Cafe.
thank you for the visit my friend :)

[Trace]

I love the long and interesting narrative that leads to the
Hilarious punchline.
The punchline that has absolutely nothing to do with most of the narrative.

I think that is what makes your stories so dam funny.


Greatly enjoyed.

Trace

[Woody]

God, you're spoiling me, Trace. thank you so much. glad you found this one funny, too.