Black Beauty

a man's dream comes true. sort of.

Barry Bates walked at a brisk pace along the pavement, swinging his brown school bag. He was uncharacteristically late. He hated being late for his classes. He’d always chided the late comers among his pupils. He’s a school master and, out of respect, his pupils called him Master Bates.

His route never varied. Every morning, except Saturdays and Sundays, he’d walk along Union Street, past the broken phone booth that reeked of urine, past the bakery, in front of which he’d linger a moment to breathe in the fragrant aroma of freshly-baked bread. Sometimes, he’d succumb and step in for a croissant, which he’d gobble on the way to work. Halfway to school, he’d reach Mrs. Anderson’s semi-detached house with its red-tiled roof and manicured lawn. He’d be hoping to catch a glimpse of the beautiful black widow behind her kitchen window. He always pictured her looking his way and waving. He wanted very badly to see her smile at him. She had a dazzling smile. He’d seen her on occasion at the mall, chatting to the girl at the register or laughing with her friend from across the street while having a coffee at Joe’s.

One Monday, the unimaginable happened. Who said that Mondays were the worst days of the week? What happened that day would stay with him till the day he died for more than one reason.

When Barry Bates reached Mrs. Anderson’s house, he saw her standing on her porch. She was wearing cut off Jeans and his eyes took an eternity to travel all the way up her shapely legs past her midriff up to her ample bosom. He lingered on the generous cleavage and the chain that nestled there. Finally he reached her face. His heart threatened to desert him and his mouth felt dry. She was smiling at him. Actually, smiling! There was a malicious twinkle dancing in her big dark eyes. She said, in that throaty voice only coloured ladies had:

“Care to join me for a drink, Mister?”

He couldn’t trust himself to speak so he dumbly nodded his head.

Bates stepped inside the brightly lit hall and heard a low growl. He could not tell what breed the creature was. Its flat face implied as much frog DNA as canine heritage.

“Tyson!” admonished Mrs. Anderson, “go to the kitchen.”

Tyson waddled to the kitchen, wagging his stump of a tail.

“Would you like some coffee, Mr.  errr?”

“Barry. Call me Barry, please.”

“Ok, Barry. Or perhaps you prefer something cold?”

“Cold is better, please, Mrs. Ander...”

“I’m Allison, but you can call me Al”, she interrupted with a smile and went to the kitchen, rolling her hips and nearly giving him a heart attack. Paul Simon smiled down on him from the large poster on the wall.

She returned with a bottle of C… Gee! I nearly made free publicity. A soda in a bottle with curves not unlike Mrs. Anderson’s.

“Please Barry, put your bag down and come sit on the sofa.”

They sat side by side.

“It’s a bit stuffy in here, isn’t it? Why don’t you take off your jacket? Come on, don’t be shy! Make yourself at home while I go check on the twins”.

Barry didn’t understand what was going on. But he sure was not going to complain. He couldn’t believe his luck, though.

As he took off his jacket, Mrs. Anderson came back. Their eyes met and Barry felt a jolt of electricity run through his body. If he had any doubts about her motives before, they were now completely swiped away when she looked at him and licked her lips. All thoughts of his class and pupils flew out the window. She grabbed his tie and pulled him towards the bedroom.

“Take off your clothes”, she whispered. “Back in a jiffy”.

Barry feverishly tore off his clothes. Buttons popped and flew across the room. To hell with buttons. Stupid invention anyway. He stood stark naked in front of the full-length mirror and looked at his reflection. He knew he was painfully thin. All knees and elbows, but who cares? He smiled. She’ll have eyes only for his.. ehm.. for his errr.. The door opened slowly (thank God! Didn’t have to say penis). Mrs. Anderson came in, pushing her twins inside the room. Barry grabbed a shirt and hid his errr (Damn!) penis.

“See what you’ll look like if you don’t eat your veggies?” asked Black Beauty, addressing her kids.

Barry’s erection dwindled at warp speed.     

Reviews

[Einstein Noodle]

Your title had me misled throughout the read ..I was waiting for the twins to be- perhaps vicious, ravenous, offspring of Tyson, having a meal time with Barry.... But in your closing I get the word play of course. I liked your first aside, however for me the second about the penis was a little distracting. I think you got the point across well in your characterizations of Master Bates. :) The mix of sentence lengths and connections are pretty darn good. I was kept interested and propelled onward ... the innuendo also did the same. I really like the contrast you made as his walk began ..the blocks of urine and then of baking bread ... very sharp and I smelled them both :} you are a risk taker using the phrase " ...coloured ladies ..." not all but some may find offence in it ... i don't ..you are creating a scene ...nothing more .. but just saying some may ...
because of my anticipations leading up to your closing ... when i read it i went as limp as his errrrrr "p....."
Woody's humor remains :)))) overall ..strong story telling ..vivid images that involved all my senses .. the twist in closing, though humorous, seemed a little abrupt and weakened as a result .. I would give this an 90 of 100 .. but i don't do points and i am uneducated as well ;))) so please take with the proverbial grain of salt
E.

[Woody]

thank you so much for a comprehensive and honest review, Einstein. I'll certainly take your remarks in my stride. as for coloured I never thought it was politically incorrect!!! I didn't use the"N" word so why would it ruffle any feathers? what's a nicer way of putting it?
thanks again and glad you enjoyed it.

[Einstein Noodle]

i hear you Woody! honestly am unsure of how to say a lot of things these days .. :{ how about ...deep husky voice of ebony? ...maybe leave it at that .. :)
i confess to having missed the Master Bates thing on my first reading ...i was truly caught up in your scenes ... his walk kind of reminded me of descriptions in one of my all time favorite books "Cannery Row" ... i think i have read that one a million times or more ... love and peace my friend!
E.

[Will Neill]

Woody, you old dog, great story, I just read it out loud to my wife who nearly choked on her glass of Merlot.
Nice one.
Will

[Woody]

oh my, Will! you kind wife is becoming a fan, looks like. I'm so glad you both liked it.
I"m going to check on your writes. you've no doubt noticed I haven't been around.

[Samuel Dickens]

If only he'd known, skinny Barry could've eaten more of those fattening croissants! Oh, my, what a letdown. I didn't expect that ending. Another funny one, Woody.

[Woody]

thanks heaps Sam. glad you like this. sorry for the late reply. haven't been around much.
I didn't know croissants were fattening. I should try them. I look like a screcrow myself:)

[Kayja Symphious]

I just... I'm laughing so much. This story is wonderful!

I needed another day brightener, and you delivered. (Like always.)

Thanks for this Woody!

[Woody]

thank you Dear. I'm so pleased I helped brighten your day.
please forgive the late reply. been working like crazy.

[Kayja Symphious]

I've been working like crazy myself, so I understand completely. That's why I value your writings so much. After a stressful day there's nothing better.

[Nusquam Esse]

I would never call Barry Bates master as a sign of respect; in fact, if you ask me... what with him being late and all, I am convinced that he is a jark-off.
I see that she is called the black widow for a good reason; sensitive topic if she had called him master... although mister bates just doesn't roll off the tongue the same way.
Allison to Al? Hopefully she still said it with a purdy voice, or else even those curves couldn't conceal a name like 'Al'
And while you may claim to have omitted some letters for the sake of publicity, I cannot help but wonder the validity of such an argument with such a crass four letter word. And then you went off and said what you had said you wouldn't have to?
My main question is... did that erection dwindle because of how unarousing the situation was? Or perhaps it was too much and he finished in a jiffy? I think either is possible for our dear Master Bates.
Anyway, one thing of note. English convention has punctuation marks inside the quotation marks. ex. "Back in a jiffy."

[Woody]

your reviews are a delight to read, scathing or otherwise. thank you Nusquam.
"you can call me Al" was a little nod at Simon & Garfunkel's song of the same title.
you're right about the punctuation. I need to be more careful :(
forgive my late reply. stupid work kept me away.

[Nusquam Esse]

No problemo, I know what that's like... pesky work and obligation, and what have yous.

[M.E.Lyle]

Well, Woody, you certainly have a way of shrinking a man's...errr...ummm...humanity.
Love your story telling, as usual. By the way, I prefer P.... Pepsi. Ha, bet you thought I was going to say...uh, well, I best not say.
Have a great day, and keep the good stuff rollin'.

[Woody]

thanks heaps Mike. you're too kind. and funny :)
glad you liked this.
sorry about the late reply.

[Vidya Bacchus]

Hahahaha okay I did not see that coming.Another wonderfully written totally entertaining write hahahaha.

[Woody]

oh hello stranger. I missed you you know. I hope it's only writer's block and that everything's all right. kids ok?

thank you Vid. always happy to make you laugh.

[Vidya Bacchus]

All is well with me Sir Woody.I have been busy with my kids but school opened yesterday so I got some time Lol.I eagerly wait for your new work you know how much joy it gives me.You are welcome and you are still doing a great job of making me laugh.

[Woody]

ok all is fine then and that's a relief.

[Vidya Bacchus]

Lol.Have a great day Woody.

[Delmar Cooper]

Hilarious. It has all the most embarrasing elements of comedy.

[Woody]

thanks a million Delmar. I'm pleased as Punch that you find it funny. yeah I guess there are embarrassing moments :)

[TheSeaOfWoe]

Oh god. This is so good. Very well written, fantastic wording and descriptions, and a very excellent twist. Keep it up!

[Woody]

thanks loads S.O.W. much appreciated. I'm so glad you like the story.

[TheSeaOfWoe]

That's the first time anyone has called me S.O.W. I like it. Haha

[Woody]

sorry :) theseaofwoe was too long and I didn't know your real name.

[TheSeaOfWoe]

Haha no, it's cool. It's a pretty nice way to shorten it.

[TheSeaOfWoe]

Haha no, it's cool. It's a pretty nice way to shorten it.

[Tom]

Pretty obvious what part of Barry's anatomy his brains were concealed in that day !

Great comical satire Woody and as ever the twist at the end was marvellously appropriate !

[Woody]

thank you, Tom. kind of you as always :)
but, frankly, I don't understand what you mean by where Barry's brains are! isn't that where Man's brains are?

[Tom]

Don't subjugate us men folk any further Woody.....the woman can do that well enough on their own ! Lol...

[Woody]

haha duly noted. you're right.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

A charmingly told tale with a touch of 'black' humour. A moral story with a kick in the Master Bates!

[Woody]

thank you very much John. I love fooling around. I'm super glad you like it.

[janeannerogers]

Great dialogue. Love the twist at the end.

[Woody]

thanks a lot for dropping in, Jane. glad you like it :)