Black Beauty

a man's dream comes true. sort of.

Barry Bates walked at a brisk pace along the pavement, swinging his brown school bag. He was uncharacteristically late. He hated being late for his classes. He’d always chided the late comers among his pupils. He’s a school master and, out of respect, his pupils called him Master Bates.

His route never varied. Every morning, except Saturdays and Sundays, he’d walk along Union Street, past the broken phone booth that reeked of urine, past the bakery, in front of which he’d linger a moment to breathe in the fragrant aroma of freshly-baked bread. Sometimes, he’d succumb and step in for a croissant, which he’d gobble on the way to work. Halfway to school, he’d reach Mrs. Anderson’s semi-detached house with its red-tiled roof and manicured lawn. He’d be hoping to catch a glimpse of the beautiful black widow behind her kitchen window. He always pictured her looking his way and waving. He wanted very badly to see her smile at him. She had a dazzling smile. He’d seen her on occasion at the mall, chatting to the girl at the register or laughing with her friend from across the street while having a coffee at Joe’s.

One Monday, the unimaginable happened. Who said that Mondays were the worst days of the week? What happened that day would stay with him till the day he died for more than one reason.

When Barry Bates reached Mrs. Anderson’s house, he saw her standing on her porch. She was wearing cut off Jeans and his eyes took an eternity to travel all the way up her shapely legs past her midriff up to her ample bosom. He lingered on the generous cleavage and the chain that nestled there. Finally he reached her face. His heart threatened to desert him and his mouth felt dry. She was smiling at him. Actually, smiling! There was a malicious twinkle dancing in her big dark eyes. She said, in that throaty voice only coloured ladies had:

“Care to join me for a drink, Mister?”

He couldn’t trust himself to speak so he dumbly nodded his head.

Bates stepped inside the brightly lit hall and heard a low growl. He could not tell what breed the creature was. Its flat face implied as much frog DNA as canine heritage.

“Tyson!” admonished Mrs. Anderson, “go to the kitchen.”

Tyson waddled to the kitchen, wagging his stump of a tail.

“Would you like some coffee, Mr.  errr?”

“Barry. Call me Barry, please.”

“Ok, Barry. Or perhaps you prefer something cold?”

“Cold is better, please, Mrs. Ander...”

“I’m Allison, but you can call me Al”, she interrupted with a smile and went to the kitchen, rolling her hips and nearly giving him a heart attack. Paul Simon smiled down on him from the large poster on the wall.

She returned with a bottle of C… Gee! I nearly made free publicity. A soda in a bottle with curves not unlike Mrs. Anderson’s.

“Please Barry, put your bag down and come sit on the sofa.”

They sat side by side.

“It’s a bit stuffy in here, isn’t it? Why don’t you take off your jacket? Come on, don’t be shy! Make yourself at home while I go check on the twins”.

Barry didn’t understand what was going on. But he sure was not going to complain. He couldn’t believe his luck, though.

As he took off his jacket, Mrs. Anderson came back. Their eyes met and Barry felt a jolt of electricity run through his body. If he had any doubts about her motives before, they were now completely swiped away when she looked at him and licked her lips. All thoughts of his class and pupils flew out the window. She grabbed his tie and pulled him towards the bedroom.

“Take off your clothes”, she whispered. “Back in a jiffy”.

Barry feverishly tore off his clothes. Buttons popped and flew across the room. To hell with buttons. Stupid invention anyway. He stood stark naked in front of the full-length mirror and looked at his reflection. He knew he was painfully thin. All knees and elbows, but who cares? He smiled. She’ll have eyes only for his.. ehm.. for his errr.. The door opened slowly (thank God! Didn’t have to say penis). Mrs. Anderson came in, pushing her twins inside the room. Barry grabbed a shirt and hid his errr (Damn!) penis.

“See what you’ll look like if you don’t eat your veggies?” asked Black Beauty, addressing her kids.

Barry’s erection dwindled at warp speed.     

Reviews

[Einstein Noodle]

Your title had me misled throughout the read ..I was waiting for the twins to be- perhaps vicious, ravenous, offspring of Tyson, having a meal time with Barry.... But in your closing I get the word play of course. I liked your first aside, however for me the second about the penis was a little distracting. I think you got the point across well in your characterizations of Master Bates. :) The mix of sentence lengths and connections are pretty darn good. I was kept interested and propelled onward ... the innuendo also did the same. I really like the contrast you made as his walk began ..the blocks of urine and then of baking bread ... very sharp and I smelled them both :} you are a risk taker using the phrase " ...coloured ladies ..." not all but some may find offence in it ... i don't ..you are creating a scene ...nothing more .. but just saying some may ...
because of my anticipations leading up to your closing ... when i read it i went as limp as his errrrrr "p....."
Woody's humor remains :)))) overall ..strong story telling ..vivid images that involved all my senses .. the twist in closing, though humorous, seemed a little abrupt and weakened as a result .. I would give this an 90 of 100 .. but i don't do points and i am uneducated as well ;))) so please take with the proverbial grain of salt
E.

[Woody]

thank you so much for a comprehensive and honest review, Einstein. I'll certainly take your remarks in my stride. as for coloured I never thought it was politically incorrect!!! I didn't use the"N" word so why would it ruffle any feathers? what's a nicer way of putting it?
thanks again and glad you enjoyed it.

[Einstein Noodle]

i hear you Woody! honestly am unsure of how to say a lot of things these days .. :{ how about ...deep husky voice of ebony? ...maybe leave it at that .. :)
i confess to having missed the Master Bates thing on my first reading ...i was truly caught up in your scenes ... his walk kind of reminded me of descriptions in one of my all time favorite books "Cannery Row" ... i think i have read that one a million times or more ... love and peace my friend!
E.

[alifeacoustic]

Ha, superb Woody. And to think I was thinking that, well... never mind. Poor Barry, what a let down.
Superb stuff. :)

[Woody]

hey Alife. thanks a lot my friend. poor Barry indeed. I sometimes can be cruel with my characters.read morehey Alife. thanks a lot my friend. poor Barry indeed. I sometimes can be cruel with my characters.
glad you found it funny :)

[Taylor]

Woody, what a funny tale (or tail)! I enjoyed it.

[Woody]

aaah bliss!!!! thanks loads Taylor. praise from a master humourist. nothing else I can wish for.

[several thousand]

ooh the cruel lady.
I laughed out loud at his name. Yup, very respectful children.
Nice story!

[Woody]

haha I think she was going for shock therapy (is that what we call it?) and d'you think there's malice behing the appellation? mmm never gave it a second thought.
thank you very much for stopping in Poet Face. and I'm sure glad you didn't review a poem :)

[several thousand]

Yes
Yes
No worries
Glad I didn't review a.... oh just give me a sec and i will!

[Woody]

oh nononon. at least review a funny one.

[several thousand]

Give me a suggestion. Which one would you most like me to read?

[Woody]

aaah don't have a favourite really. there's a small collection of limericks. there's Diet. but perhaps "a deal with the devil" is not so bad.

[several thousand]

Okay.
Deal with the devil sounds fairly relevant.
Consider it done.

[Cathy Wattam]

Loved the ending. And the humour. It's good to giggle. I bet you're a riot at parties.

[Woody]

aah thank you Dear :) I'm overjoyed and flattered. and yes, I've been known to hold my own at parties (figuratively, of course) with the aid of some Dutch courage :)

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

Hahahaha...that was epic!!! Thank you for your awesome humor. Gives me mischievous ideas for my future children and victims.

One suggestion. I notice you use commas and periods only after the ending quotation mark (in dialogue). They should come before.

Like so: "Blah, blah. Penis," he said.

[Woody]

ok blah, blah. Penis it is :)
you're right about the punctuation. this is a relatively old one and I didn't know that at the time. I don't think you'll find that mistake in the more recent ones. and I can't bring myself to going back to edit the old ones. but thanks a lot for noticing.
I'm jubilent that you found this funny, Nadia.
I shudder to think you'll do the same to your own children to make them eat their greens :))

[...]

Hahahahahaha....clever and cute. Great ending :)

[Woody]

:))) thanks heaps lynn. so glad this made you laugh.

[NoelHC]

An amusing twiast, and the scenes were well described. Great job Woody.

[Woody]

thanks a lot Noel. glad you enjoyed this one. praise from someone with a humongous sense of humour means a lot.

[Bright Ocean Star]

Ha-ha! Woody, I couldn't make it thought the whole story. I dissolved in a puddle of giggles after the first paragraph, and I had to come down here and comment on your incredible flair for great word pairing humor. Awesome. I hope you are well, my friend. Thank you for this one.

[Woody]

thank you very much, Dear. I'm overjoyed you enjoy my silliness :)
I'm quite well thanks, in spite of what's happened recently (if you've been following the news).
sadly, we're getting used to it by now.

[Bright Ocean Star]

I have been following the news. I'm very sorry about what happened. Take care of yourself and your family.:)

[Valentine]

Not something I will tell my Pastor that I read, but still laughing. You are a Brat, did you know that? Kathie

[Woody]

no I didn't, actually! but I've been called a few names and I'm beginning to wonder.
strange! I'd always thought I was a nice, mild, well behaved man, among other tributes.
thanks Kathie. so glad this made you laugh :)

[Valentine]

We all need a good laugh now and then. Kathie

[Moonie]

Oh my gawd!!! I think I would have to take some time off to tend to my mental health after reading that! Why don't I ever see it coming??? I had my suspicions of course, but this was beyond them. Hilarious!!

[Woody]

thanks a lot Moon's daughter. it gives me great pleasure to know this story made you laugh.
I try my best not to make it too obvious so as to suprise the reader :)