so close!

a mentally deranged man is finally being released after he regained his sanity. or did he?

“So, Mr. Fitzpatrick, are you happy you’re leaving us?” asked Doctor Justin Seyn.

The head shrink was sitting behind his mahogany desk, tapping his gold fountain pen on the beige blotter and smiling benignly at his soon-to-be-ex patient.

Gerald Fitzpatrick had spent four years in Doctor Seyn’s mental institution. When he’d first come to have his head examined, he was kicking and screaming. A complete raving maniac who had to be restrained.

“Well, to tell you the truth, I am. But I’ll miss you Doc. And all the orderlies. You’ve all been so kind to me.”

“Thank you Gerald. Can I call you Gerald? We’ll miss you too, you know. Be sure to give my regards to Mrs Fitzpatrick.”

“Oh, I'm not married, Doctor. But I recently met this nice guy on the net, Patrick Fitzgerald. We’re planning to live together. I hope I didn’t shock you.”

 

“Of course not. Everyone is free to live their life as they choose." 

Provided they stay in their closet, added the Doctor under his breath. 

"What did you say his name was?"

"Patrick Fitzgerald."

"He's Patrick Fitz-Gerald and you're Gerald Fitz-Patrick. Mmmm, interesting. Now, I’ve been observing you for the past week. And I’m pleased to tell you that you’ve passed all the tests with flying colours.”

“Oh God, thank you, Doctor. You are too kind. I feel so much better, now. Remember when I first came here? Raving mad, wasn’t I?”

“Yes, you’ve come a long way my friend. Ok, one last test and I’ll gladly sign your release form. Ready?”

“Yes, Doctor. Fire away!”

“Right. Here’s a sketch of a human body. I’d like you to name the various parts indicated with an arrow. Can you do that?”

“No problem.”

Fitzpatrick took the 5 by 5 picture of a human body and gave it a quick scan. It was the picture of a naked man with scores of little arrows sticking  out of his body like acupuncture needles. He took a pencil and started writing while Doctor Seyn left to fetch coffee. When he came back, fifteen minutes later, Gerald had already finished his test.

“Already?” exclaimed the doctor. “I’m impressed. Let’s see. Mmm, amazing! You’ve even added things you were not required to put there.”

“Well, I felt it was incomplete. I hope that’s ok.”

“Oh, that’s fine. But what is this Philtrum?”

“Ah, that’s the vertical groove on the median line of the upper lip”, explained Gerald.

“Ehm, yes, of course, said Doctor Seyn, feverishly tapping the word on Google while hiding behind the flap of his laptop.

F*****g show off! thought Doctor Seyn.

“Ahm and what did you call the nose?”

“Ah, Kyphorrhinos. That’s a nose with a bump in it, Doc. That’s how it looked to me in the picture, anyway.”

“Yes, naturally”. Jesus! I’m tempted to keep the b*****d locked up. And what the hell is this Dactylion?

His fingers flew silently on the keyboard. 

The tip of the middle finger? Christ!

"Well, Gerald, this is absolutely perfect. I'm really impressed". 

His pen poised on the form, he asked

"How, in God's name, do you know all these things?"

Gerald crossed his legs and smiled. He tapped his index finger on his temple and said 

“Why, I use my arsehole, Doc”.

Author's Note

just a couple of slightly awkward moments. I hope you're not shocked.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I'm sorry to say I didn't quite get your twist this time. (Or maybe I did get it, but felt like there was a deeper meaning I missed?) I most enjoyed the various unusual terms used to describe body parts -- well done. I can't resist pointing out: early on, the doctor asks if he may call the guy "Gerald" . . . they've been doc & patient for years, yet this sounds like something you'd say to a person you just met. I also expected the Gerald & Patrick thing to be carried along a little further . . . or maybe I was hoping. As always, your writing & storytelling itself is impeccable!

[Woody]

Hi BG. thank you for the gracing my profile with your smile.
no deep meaning, I'm afraid. just an unfortunate guy about to be released who knows minute details about the human body and yet mistakes his brain for his arse. not so funny, perhaps?
the names. I didn't feel it was necessary to say more after the pun on the names: two gay guys, Gerald fits Patrick.... (crass?)
you got a good point about the using first names.
thanks again, Dear x

[Samuel Dickens]

Now I know where big words come from! I figured Gerald was in trouble when the doc asked him to identify those parts. Am I shocked? No way.

[Woody]

haha I'm glad. I'm a prude person at heart. sometimes a word would slip out and I can't take it back.

[Delmar Cooper]

Chucking Thanks Woody that was a good one.

[Woody]

hi Delmar. thanks a lot. always happy to make readers smile. mission accomplished.

[NoelHC]

I enjoyed the twist at the end, you kept my interest through the story wondering where it was going to go next. Well done!

[Woody]

your visit is much appreciated Noel. glad you like the twist :)

[Norman T]

Woody, I must say that I was quite shocked by this story. That doctor's derogatory attitude towards his patient's anatomical knowledge was reprehensible.
However, despite that, it gave me a good belly (sorry, "abdominal" ) laugh , as I'm not anal retentive.

Norman

[Woody]

thank you very much Norman. your review made me laugh too. sorry if Doctor Just-in-Seyn shocked you. I have no controle over my characters, I admit.
this is by no means a Read Request, but if you feel like it, take a peek at another Doctor story. "Dr. House"

[Frieda P]

LOL is that an autobiographical depiction? :) Love arse by the way....you crack me up.

[Woody]

thank you Almighty Frieda. no, don't be a fool. it's not autobiographical. I was out in the corridor, waiting my turn, at the time.

[Frieda P]

HA you must be a laugh a minute to live with....my pleasure.

[Symphonic_Sunflowers]

I really liked that, Woody! In fact i like all of your stories :)

[Woody]

thank you dear Chloe. I'm so glad :)

[Marie]

That you had a few slghtly awkward moments? No; I'm not shocked. In fact, I didn't even notice them.

[Woody]

that's a relief. but you know me, I tend to worry too much.

[Tom]

Yes indeed Woody, they say there is a very fine line between genius and insanity and your excellently relayed story further adds gravitas to this hypothesis !

Another ' cracker ' !

[Woody]

thanks heaps Tom. I firmly believe that though some of us may not look raving maniacs, underneath lurks a fledgling loon. don't you agree? obviously, you and I excepted.

[Tom]

Yes naturally, though you and I excepted !

[Vidya Bacchus]

LOL...I am shocked Woody hahaha.This was so funny well I always write that because you always give me a chuckle.You my friend are the best at what you write and I am never disappointed to read your work.Have a great day Sir :)

[Woody]

thank you dearest. always a pleasure to make you laugh!

[Vidya Bacchus]

You are welcome Woody :)

[Dee]

LOL you are a riot Woody, how could one read this and not giggle out loud..
Smiles to you my friend...Dee

[Dee]

You are a riot Woody, how could one read this and not giggle out loud.
Smiles to you my friend..Dee.

[Woody]

thanks for the visit Dee. your giggles are music to my ears :)