so close!

a mentally deranged man is finally being released after he regained his sanity. or did he?

“So, Mr. Fitzpatrick, are you happy you’re leaving us?” asked Doctor Justin Seyn.

The head shrink was sitting behind his mahogany desk, tapping his gold fountain pen on the beige blotter and smiling benignly at his soon-to-be-ex patient.

Gerald Fitzpatrick had spent four years in Doctor Seyn’s mental institution. When he’d first come to have his head examined, he was kicking and screaming. A complete raving maniac who had to be restrained.

“Well, to tell you the truth, I am. But I’ll miss you Doc. And all the orderlies. You’ve all been so kind to me.”

“Thank you Gerald. Can I call you Gerald? We’ll miss you too, you know. Be sure to give my regards to Mrs Fitzpatrick.”

“Oh, I'm not married, Doctor. But I recently met this nice guy on the net, Patrick Fitzgerald. We’re planning to live together. I hope I didn’t shock you.”

 

“Of course not. Everyone is free to live their life as they choose." 

Provided they stay in their closet, added the Doctor under his breath. 

"What did you say his name was?"

"Patrick Fitzgerald."

"He's Patrick Fitz-Gerald and you're Gerald Fitz-Patrick. Mmmm, interesting. Now, I’ve been observing you for the past week. And I’m pleased to tell you that you’ve passed all the tests with flying colours.”

“Oh God, thank you, Doctor. You are too kind. I feel so much better, now. Remember when I first came here? Raving mad, wasn’t I?”

“Yes, you’ve come a long way my friend. Ok, one last test and I’ll gladly sign your release form. Ready?”

“Yes, Doctor. Fire away!”

“Right. Here’s a sketch of a human body. I’d like you to name the various parts indicated with an arrow. Can you do that?”

“No problem.”

Fitzpatrick took the 5 by 5 picture of a human body and gave it a quick scan. It was the picture of a naked man with scores of little arrows sticking  out of his body like acupuncture needles. He took a pencil and started writing while Doctor Seyn left to fetch coffee. When he came back, fifteen minutes later, Gerald had already finished his test.

“Already?” exclaimed the doctor. “I’m impressed. Let’s see. Mmm, amazing! You’ve even added things you were not required to put there.”

“Well, I felt it was incomplete. I hope that’s ok.”

“Oh, that’s fine. But what is this Philtrum?”

“Ah, that’s the vertical groove on the median line of the upper lip”, explained Gerald.

“Ehm, yes, of course, said Doctor Seyn, feverishly tapping the word on Google while hiding behind the flap of his laptop.

F*****g show off! thought Doctor Seyn.

“Ahm and what did you call the nose?”

“Ah, Kyphorrhinos. That’s a nose with a bump in it, Doc. That’s how it looked to me in the picture, anyway.”

“Yes, naturally”. Jesus! I’m tempted to keep the b*****d locked up. And what the hell is this Dactylion?

His fingers flew silently on the keyboard. 

The tip of the middle finger? Christ!

"Well, Gerald, this is absolutely perfect. I'm really impressed". 

His pen poised on the form, he asked

"How, in God's name, do you know all these things?"

Gerald crossed his legs and smiled. He tapped his index finger on his temple and said 

“Why, I use my arsehole, Doc”.

Author's Note

just a couple of slightly awkward moments. I hope you're not shocked.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I'm sorry to say I didn't quite get your twist this time. (Or maybe I did get it, but felt like there was a deeper meaning I missed?) I most enjoyed the various unusual terms used to describe body parts -- well done. I can't resist pointing out: early on, the doctor asks if he may call the guy "Gerald" . . . they've been doc & patient for years, yet this sounds like something you'd say to a person you just met. I also expected the Gerald & Patrick thing to be carried along a little further . . . or maybe I was hoping. As always, your writing & storytelling itself is impeccable!

[Woody]

Hi BG. thank you for the gracing my profile with your smile.
no deep meaning, I'm afraid. just an unfortunate guy about to be released who knows minute details about the human body and yet mistakes his brain for his arse. not so funny, perhaps?
the names. I didn't feel it was necessary to say more after the pun on the names: two gay guys, Gerald fits Patrick.... (crass?)
you got a good point about the using first names.
thanks again, Dear x

[Bacchus]

I think you'd like my piece Back for Rainbow Jell-O.
It's nice to laugh sometimes!

[Woody]

I'll certainly take a look and yes it is always nice to laugh. thanks for stopping by, Bacchus.

[...]

laughing............Your "Justin Seyn" is insanely imaginative lol I know an officer named Tim Pigg, the inmates had a field day with him hahahaha . Ohhhh the irony :)

[Woody]

hahaha is it hard to have one's surname changed? I know a few names that fit the persons like a glove. glad this made you laugh. thanks Lynn.

[Great Aunt Astri]

Not shocked but feel a sympathetic sadness for the patient. I am afraid to say that a lot of people in mental institutions are made to feel like arseholes! And often come out worse than when they went in!!!!

[Woody]

I know all too well what you mean. two members of my extended family (dead now) had psychiatric disoders. so I, too, feel sad for the afflicted but I choose to laugh about it. do you think that's a sign that I caught it, too?
ta very much for taking the time, Auntie.

[Bright Ocean Star]

Woody, this is very clever. Frightening, though, is the idea that someone who was a raving maniac could be let out so easily... You lost me with the Gerald Fitzpatrick and the Patrick Fitzgerald relationship...unless that could be an altered personality... I did like the last line quite a bit! You always throw a twist there at the end. So close, and yet so far....Poor guy! Thank you for the story..:)

[Woody]

thanks loads Star. you know there's no malice behind my writes and my intention is always to entertain the reader. I made Gerald gay so I can make a play on words with the names, hence my note (I hope you're not shocked). though I edited the story to make it more obvious, without giving it away, the readers didn't quite get my joke.
I can PM you if you wish :)

[Bright Ocean Star]

I got the fact that he was gay. I just didn't get the play on the name other than to think that he thought he was going to have some kind of inverted mental relationship with himself. I didn't quite know how or where to wrap my brain cells around that one. But, it doesn't matter...As long as everyone else got the inside joke. I don't have to get it all the time. I liked the puzzle, and the added complexity to the story. It pulls you through and keeps your interest until the very end, becaus your trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. You set stories up very well, Woody. It is always a pleasure to read your work...:)

[Miss Sharon]

LOL...this is a winner in my book Woody! I could just picture the entire scene in my mind. Great writing my friend. ~Sharon

[Woody]

:) thank you very much Miss Sharon. I'm elated you found it funny. I hope none of us gets to sit in front of Dr Justin Seyn when our time comes.

[Jimmy Yetts]

Doc's name is certainly fitting.
Your story development always impresses--and the punchline does explain Gerald's bad breath.
Left me smiling, Woody!

[Woody]

hi Frankie. thanks mate. such a joy to know you like my writes :)

[Valentine]

Shocked, no...not coming from your pen or pencil. You are really a first class joker. You must drive your wife crazy....Valentine

[Woody]

thank you very much my Dear :) how d'you think I snagged her in the first place? my good looks? uh-oh? :)

[Ashley]

You would make great book!

[Woody]

thank you very much Ashley. I'm flattered :)

[Ashley]

I would total buy it.