finding Ted

don't we all want to be reunited with the departed?

The big oak door (at least, I think it’s oak) with the golden studs, stood ajar. Gwen tentatively pushed it open and poked her head inside.

“Anybody home?”

Her voice echoed back in the long corridor behind the door. Another door opened further down and out came a broad-shouldered dude striding out. He had drooping moustaches and long sideburns. His long reddish hair was flying behind him. He was wearing some sort of a flowing white toga and sandals on his feet.

“What in God’s name do you think you’re doing?”, inquired the irritated man when he reached her.

“I’m sorry”, said the woman, flustered, “the door was open so, I..”

“Damn! I keep telling him to close it. He never listens. Scatterbrains!”

“Ehm, excuse me, are these the p..

“Yes, the Pearly Gates. Can I help you?”

“Well, I was hoping you would. I’ve just arrived and I feel quite lost to tell you the truth, Mr…”

“Saint Peter. Haven’t you read your bible? But you can call me Pete. We like to keep things informal here. Unlike Lucifer. He likes to keep things infernal.”

“So, here I am, Pete”.

“OK, let’s fix some digs for you. Sorry about the not-so-nice welcome. I had to escort a new arrival. I’m working double shift, today and feel swamped. So much turmoil down there. We barely have time to breathe. These days they come by the dozens. If you, people, keep it up a little longer, you won’t be able to find a place to stand. We are thinking about building an extension. Yesterday we had a batch from Gaza. Before that, some wretched souls from Syria. Irak, Ukrain. We had to ask Lucifer to take in a few for a couple of days, though not in the deep chambers. So, what can I do for you?”

“I’m sorry, but this sounds like a silly question. I never asked to be here, you know. Erm..can I make a request?”

Saint Peter rolled his eyes. “Go ahead!”

“I’ve waited for 7 years to be reunited with my husband. Can I see him? I miss him terribly, you see”.

“I’ll see what I can do about it. As I told you, we’re terribly understaffed. What’s his name?”

“Edward”, replied Gwen, eagerly.

“Have you any idea how many Edwards we have here? What’s his family name?”

“Carpenter, but everybody called him Ted”.

“Insufficient, I’m afraid. There are thousands upon thousands of Carpenters and Teds. Describe him”.

“Well, he was still dashing when he left me, though not tall. He had silky black hair, twinkling eyes, a slightly crooked nose and a ravishing smile”.

“Hum.. Sounds like Tom Cruise to me. Still not enough. Come on help me out here, Woman. Any distinguishing features?”

“Oh, Lord! Can I get personal?”

“If you must”, said Saint Peter with a sigh, surreptitiously looking at his Rolex.

“Well, he’s got a huge beauty spot on his left cheek.”

“Lady, no need to be embarr.. oh, THAT cheek? Listen, with the huge number of people flocking in, I have no time to pull their trousers down to check their butts for any special marks”.

“Wait! This might help you! Ted’s last parting words to me?”

“Mmmm…possibly. What were they?” said Saint peter, resigned. He nervously tapped his foot on the ground.

“Gwen, he said to me, if you cheat on me when I’m gone, I’ll turn in my grave”.

“AAH! Whirling Ted! Come with me!”   

Reviews

[Valentine]

What a terrific ending you put on this gem. I may be still laughing when I hit the bed. Very witty write. Valentine

[Woody]

thanks a lot Dear :)) such a joy to make you laugh.

[Moonie]

"Whirling Ted"--wow, I am still laughing! Witty--very, very witty I must say, especially, the "He likes to keep things infernal" part.:)

[Woody]

thank you Dear. so glad this made you laugh :))

[Frieda P]

Pete wears a Rolex, eh? What happened to worldly possessions in heaven? Sounds like Tom Cruise haha

'He likes to keep things infernal'...love that line, and whirling Ted, where do you get this stuff? ;)

[Woody]

come on, he's Saint Peter for God's sake. I couldn't possibly make him wear a cheap watch, could I?
Tom Cruise has always been one of my favourites (at least, looks-wise. so damn handsome!)
thank you Dear for gracing my story with your presence :)

[Frieda P]

You mean we have to deal with time restraints in heaven too...forget I've changed my mind. ;) haha

[Woody]

it sure is a time issue. my point is this, with the humongous number of people going up (and none coming down, mind) how can the angels manage to deal with the situation? I wouldn't wanna do their job for all the houris in heaven.

[Frieda P]

Is Belize an option?............

[Woody]

sorry didn't get that. Belize is a place isn't it?

[Frieda P]

Yes, it's in Central America, hotter than bloody 'ell but much more picturesque. ;)

http://goista.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Glovers-Atoll-Resort-and-Island-Lodge-at-Belize.jpg

[Woody]

haha I guess Lucifer might use it as an extension, then.

[Woody]

checking out the link.

[Woody]

wow what a setting!!!

[Frieda P]

Now that's where you wanna spend eternity!

[Woody]

definitely!!! preferably with a collection of your poems and I'm in heaven.

[Frieda P]

AWH you get a squishy hug for that and a sloppy kiss too. :)

[Woody]

haha i feel all kinda funny like a teenage girl on her first date.

[Frieda P]

Just watch out for dad, he likes to turn the porch lights on....ha

[Woody]

haha yes dads can be a pain at times like that. nosy buggers!

[Penlady]

MMMMM! According to this...
Payback ISN'T hell but Heaven instead!" mmmm!
LOL another clever tale!

[Woody]

haha new expression, then: there's heaven to pay!

[Beccy]

Whirling Ted indeed! Ever so funny though.

Beccy. xx

[Woody]

thank you Beccy. yeah he brought it on himself, didn't he? glad you enjoyed.

[Tom]

Great fun story and as ever the ending ....." Boom, boom " she got over her dearly departed in fine fashion!

[Woody]

haha in fine fashion indeed, Tom. but then it was egotistic of him to expect her to keep "it" on ice for him, for long years. in a way she was doing him a favour, if you ask me. imagine your car stowed away in a garage for a whole year. nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more!

[Tom]

Yes I see....it would become rusty and seize up ?

[Woody]

lol. love the "seize up" you're a hoot, Tom!!!!

[Will Neill]

Woody, great story...I see you inspired Marie to write a poem..and a good one it is too.
See ya!.
Will

[Woody]

thank you very much, Will. I missed Marie's poem. I'll check it now. I'm sure she made a good job of it.

[Matching Socks]

LOL!!!!
Woody, what a way to start my day! With a good laugh!

[Woody]

thank you, Dear :) I'm glad I'm the one who made you laugh.

[Matching Socks]

Always my dear friend.

[Samuel Dickens]

Oh, boy. Whirling Ted. I imagine he's dizzy a lot, too. Poor Saint Peter--I hope he gets an extra portion of manna.

[Woody]

dizzy and definitely mad, Sam. Gwen has no idea what reception she's going to find. I supposed his spinning days are over now she's there and saint Peter's quite the helpful soul provided you give him the right clue. thx for the visit, Sam.

[Vidya Bacchus]

Hahaha oh lordy Woody that was hilarious. She must have been one busy lady lol

[Woody]

well if I may coin an expression: a widow's gotta do what a widow's gotta do! what did he expect? he must have been gallivanting with the houris :)

[Vidya Bacchus]

Hahaha "the houris" .He was too busy spinning in his grave to get time for gallivanting .Although he's an idiot all those Houris for the taking and he's wasting time lol