the best laid plans

the best laid plans

A Story by Woody
"

ex-con on the straight and narrow

"

January 3rd, 2013

Benny the Blade is lying on his bunk. His fingers are laced behind his head. His biceps are bulging, making the sweet inscrutable smile of the Mona Lisa tattoo turn into an ugly smirk. He bends his knees and crosses his legs. His right foot jiggles to a tune in his head.


My dream is to fly, over the rainbow, so high!


His eyes are fixed on the small barred square of blue sky that is only marred by a single sliver of cottony cloud. He wishes, not for the first time, that he can reach out and run his fingers through it, kneading, fondling.


He sighs.


Fourteen bloody years in this hell hole! Fourteen years of his life lost forever. He’ll be forty-two by the time he sees the outside world again. One more year! They haven’t managed to break him. And when he leaves here… Well, he has some unfinished business to attend to.

He scratches his crotch and tries to find a more comfortable position on the lumpy mattress.

How he misses a pint with the boys at the bar, a game of pools, the women! He sighs again.


He hears the familiar scratching and, beaming, he turns his head towards the base of the wall. Two long antennae are scissoring the air, sensing it. Out of a crack in the wall, a minuscule head follows, then the body of a dark brown cockroach.


“Come on little one”, cooed Billy, “come to Daddy!”


The cockroach scuttles across the cement floor and nimbly climbs the outstretched arm. Billy approaches the insect to his puckered lips and (oh, God, I can’t even bring myself to saying it) kissed the back of.. ugh! Yuck! Disgusting! I’m all covered in goose bumps. Aren’t you?


“Ready for your routine, Smarty?” asks Benny. (Smarty?)


Smarty seems to nod. You didn’t expect me to make it talk, I hope. This is not a fairy tale. It’s a true story told to me by Benny’s sidekick and partner in crime, Sean the Shmuck.

Benny gropes under the bunk bed and brings out the shoestring he is hiding there. He dangles it in front of Smarty, which starts climbing. Tentatively at first then quickly. Then, Benny takes a paper clip from his pocket, straightens it then bends it into a circle. He holds it upright two feet away from his pet, which comes flying through the air, inside the circle like a circus lion through a ring of fire, rolls on the floor and stands on its four hind legs. It waves its forepaws, probably imagining a standing ovation for its performance. And the training goes on. Summersaults, tightrope, rappelling, jumping, diving. The training has been going on for the best part of a year.

Benny’s future is all planned. When he’s out of prison, he’s going to be rich and famous.

 

January 2nd 1999

The judge’s gavel came down with finality.


“Fifteen years!” he rumbled. “No parole!”


The court room was jam-packed. It looked like the whole town was attending what had been dubbed “the balls collector” by the journalists. Those who could not get in were jostling outside. It had taken the task force three months to track “the monster” down. He had mutilated 12 men by cutting off their testicles. His lawyer battled hard to convince the jury that his client was as much a victim as the unfortunate men who happened to cross his path. The jury, however, had not bought into the sob story of the mistreated child who was abused by his drunk of a father and yadda yadda yadda.


Benny the Blade sat next to his lawyer, in his crisp black suit and tie. He looked anything but sorry. He had beady black eyes topped by thick eyebrows that joined in the middle. He had a bulbous nose that looked like it had been broken in the past then badly reset. His thin lips were pinched and a smile seemed to constantly hover there. The obligatory scar ran from the corner of his left eye to his square chin. His head with its cropped up hair seemed to rest on his shoulders without the aid of a neck.

As the police officers were taking him to the Black Maria, he looked over his shoulder at the judge and smiled. The judge tried to swallow the lump that threatened to choke him and subconsciously fingered his shrinking balls. (oh they do when you're scared, you know. the ladies wouldn't know). 

 

January 14th 2014

Benny the blade is sitting at his old bar, a beer in hand. He doesn’t recognize anyone here. He anxiously looks at his watch. Sean the Shmuck is late. Some things never change.

The door opens and a tall wiry man in his late forties comes in and scans the patrons. Benny raises his hand and waves. Five long strides and Sean is at the bar. He vigorously shakes his old friend’s hand, smiling from lump to lump (he did a bit of boxing in his younger days). He tells the barman:


“This calls for celebration, Harry. Give us your best bottle, please”.

He turns to his friend:

“So, what’s this big news you wanted to tell me?”

“I’m going into show business”

“Say again!”

“Yeah, you heard right, mate. This show I’ve been perfecting for the past nine months. I’m going to tour the country. I’m going to be rich. No more cons. No more holdups.”


Sean snatches the folded magazine that is lying on the bar and slaps his friend on the shoulder with it. He then bends over and flicks something off Benny’s shoulder.


“Sorry, there was a cockroach on your shoulder. Please, do continue!”

 

  

 

© 2014 Woody


My Review

Would you like to review this Story?
Login | Register




Featured Review

Another laugh out loud ending!! Just when you think Benny the Blade is going to cut another pair, you deliver a fatal blow to his plans. I think this is when you're at your best: taking a long and tortured road to get to the punch line, and for the reader it's so worth it.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

9 Years Ago

thanks a lot my friend. I admit I'm kind of sadistic. I do enjoy imagining the reader squirm but the.. read more
Roland Petrov

9 Years Ago

Well said!



Reviews

Another laugh out loud ending!! Just when you think Benny the Blade is going to cut another pair, you deliver a fatal blow to his plans. I think this is when you're at your best: taking a long and tortured road to get to the punch line, and for the reader it's so worth it.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

9 Years Ago

thanks a lot my friend. I admit I'm kind of sadistic. I do enjoy imagining the reader squirm but the.. read more
Roland Petrov

9 Years Ago

Well said!
You know, I think I saw that one coming. Sorry, Woody. It's still funny, though. Should my balls be aching?

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

10 Years Ago

depends. have they shrunk? :)
now that you mention it, it is not hard to see the story buildin.. read more
just posted a story for you.


Beccy. x


Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

10 Years Ago

goody goody. on my way.
Poor old cockroach. I don't hold out much hope for Sean the Shmuck either given Benny the blade's history.

Engagingly funny as ever and the characters are really well drawn.

Beccy.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

10 Years Ago

thank you dear Beccy :) yes rumour has it, Sean now speaks with a high squeeky voice.
awwwww.. poor thing... dreams gone in a splat!.. that has to hurt... lol

I could sooooo see a poem out of this one.. with all the B's in the beginning.. would be hilarious I am sure!.. could start it off, "benny the ball busting blade, maims men with a shank that he made.... lol (just saying)

I always hate to see your stories end.. you are hands down one of my favorite story writers on here.. I would read anything you published.. another entertaining, amusing write my friend...

Posted 10 Years Ago


AprilRN1210

10 Years Ago

another awesome piece.. thank you for the suggestion!.. make quite an impact.. :)
Woody

10 Years Ago

:))))))))) (was not allowed to post just one smile!!)
AprilRN1210

10 Years Ago

ha!... you always sneak a giggle or two in as well :)
You almost made me feel sorry for the critter. Reminds me of the Green Mile, except yours is more like a barrel of monkeys, or cockroaches as the case may be. I love how you make your characters really come alive, I think I know Smarty. ;) Funny stuff....I needed a smile today, knew write where to go.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

10 Years Ago

happy to oblige me lady :)
I hate cockroaches with a passion. I'm not afraid of mice, spiders .. read more
Frieda P

10 Years Ago

Yep cockroaches bring to mind all kinds of icky....
I reckon Benny went straight back to jail again ? For murdering his best mate in a bar !

Amazing what you can do when you have lots of time on your hands, even train a cockroach like a performing lion, visionary indeed Woody ....another cracker !

Posted 10 Years Ago


Woody

10 Years Ago

most appreciated Tom :)
last I heard, Benny the Blade is back in his cell teaching a mouse to .. read more
Tom

10 Years Ago

An, well I wasn't far off the mark Woody ?
Great story. I knew what was coming when Benny told his old friend he wanted to go into show business. I started saying "No..no..no..!" But it happened anyway. I shouldn't wonder if Benny the Blade dis something to his old friend's...

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Woody

10 Years Ago

thanks Marie. oh, I'm sure Benny is on his way to his old cell as we speak after he, at least, maime.. read more
Marie

10 Years Ago

I have not read the book nore seen the movie, though I think it's one my daughter recommended. So I .. read more

Share This
Email
Facebook
Twitter
Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats

449 Views
8 Reviews
Rating
Added on July 23, 2014
Last Updated on November 13, 2014
Tags: prison, courtroom, show business, cockroch

Author

Woody
Woody

Mateur, Bizerte, Tunisia



About
ok, time for an update I think. my old friends have come to know me pretty well, I trust so this is for the new comers. I'm a Tunisian 60-year-old teacher-cum-translator, book worm who enjoys writing.. more..

Writing
Apology Apology

A Story by Woody


White Chapel White Chapel

A Story by Woody



Related Writing

People who liked this story also liked..


therapy therapy

A Story by Woody


~Feast~ ~Feast~

A Poem by Robbie~xoxo~