pickled pepper

c**k and bull story

Peter piper pulled over on the shoulder of the road. He banged on the heater and swore under his breath. The damn thing had died on him. Well, a few more miles and he’d be home and dry. That is, if he had not taken a wrong turning. He was going where he and Angela had spent their honeymoon. He had to find cheap lodgings and in the morning he’d go job hunting.

He opened the glove compartment and took a map. He checked his surroundings and put it away. It was freezing in the car. He briskly rubbed his hands together, cupped them and blew hot air in them, then he opened the map compartment and took a pair of black gloves and slipped them on. They were black, with white stitching all around. Each one had four fingers of various lengths and an opposable thumb. They were like.. well, gloves. He opened the door and got out of the car. A gust of icy wind took his breath away. He buttoned up his collar and turned up his coat then realized his mistake and buttoned up his coat and turned up his collar. He looked around and saw a shopping centre some distance away. He hunched his shoulders and headed that way. Let the old banger cool off a bit.

Peter piper pushed the glass door but it wouldn’t budge. His eyes fell on a sticker that was glaring him in the face. It said “PULL”. Underneath, he could read: Doors marked “pull” reduce the speed of those who push before they read. He muttered an oath I’m not going to repeat and went inside. He was greeted by a blessed wave of warmth from the central heating. He collected a shopping basket from the pile by the door and strolled along the aisles. He walked slowly, tossing items in the red plastic basket with the black handle. (The devil’s in the detail, see?). He stopped and perused the shelf housing sachets of olives, caper and the like. Pete Piper picked a pack of pickled peppers. Huh, try saying that 3 times before reading on. He looked at the price tag, shook his head in disgust and tossed it in the you-know-what. He thought prices were getting ridiculously high. 

"Prices are getting ridiculously high", he thought. (There! what did I tell you?) 

He heard shuffling and he warily looked over his shoulder. Just an old lady pushing her walking frame. Why was he being so jumpy? He’d done his time and they had nothing on him. He’d paid a high price for a stupid mistake. DUI. He’d got five years for manslaughter. He’d rammed a car on the driver’s side, killing the driver instantly. His pregnant wife, in the passenger seat, died later in the ICU. Out of prison, he’d fled the town and the accusing stares. He didn’t want anything to remind him of that part of his life. He knew no one here and no one knew him. He would not mix with the locals. He came to live in Cognito where no one knew him. He went to the wine & liquor aisle. He started to salivate as his eyes ran along the bottles with their various shapes and amber colour.

He moved on as a memory came unbidden. He used to drink heavily. He had come  home one evening pissed as a lord and slept like a log. As the house had felt cold later, his wife had had to wake him to be able to light the fireplace.

Peter eventually reached Cognito and found a cheap motel. He dumped his purchases on the table and took out a beer. He twisted the cap off the bottle and took a long drag. He went to put everything away but couldn’t find the pickled peppers. He scratched his head in puzzlement. I bet that, at this point, the most perceptive readers must be wondering “where’s the pack of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?”

“Damn!” he thought, “I must’ve dropped it in the car”.

Peter Piper left the room and went to the car. The pack was not on the passenger seat where he expected it to be. It was not in the foot well nor under the seats. Peter straightened up and tried to puzzle out the puzzle that was puzzling him. A few people bumped into him when he was leaving the shopping centre. Has someone filched it? Probably. There were some dodgy-looking youths there with nose rings, studs in their ears and spiky hair. He was sure of it now.

Someone picked the pack of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked.    

Author's Note

I've debated for a whole week whether to post this thing or not. it can hardly qualify as a story, I know. I wrote the damn thing. but then I thought oh what the hell. it might win a few smiles. so please don't hate me if you think it's complete trash.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I can't believe you questioned posting THIS, of all your cockamamie stories! This happens to be one that makes the most sense to me! I love it! Your imagination knows no bounds. I've always wondered what was the backstory on P.P. but never even realized this burning curiosity, until now. Thanks for putting me in touch with my inner questing *smile*

[Woody]

well barleygirl I'm most appreciative :) if YOU think it's good, then it must be good. I'm flattered. thanks a bunch, Dear.

[M.E.Lyle]

Ha, there Mr. Woody Peter Piper Pecker Pickle, Plankle, Plocker...what the hey...?
A hilariously rambunctious piece of pickle peppering here. I must admit, however, I got really worried when you said, "Peter straightened up..." Whew, that was a close one.
I loved it and grinned the whole time, as opposed to the hole time. I don't know what that means, but I'm sure somebody will take in the wrong context.
I'm glad you published this.
Keep up the great work my friend. Maybe someday I'll have something worthwhile to publish, but for now...it's nap time.

[Woody]

hahaha I can always count on you to make a review funnier than my story, Mike.
thanks a lot as always for stopping by my friend.
I'm sure something is brewing in that head of yours. give it time. and go to bed , now :)

[...]

I love your witty imagination sealed with that peculiar twist of clever. And your face looks so innocent, must be you incognito hahahaha I loved it, Woody...how you make anything sound funny :)))

[Woody]

haha now that you mention it, I do look innocent. probably on account of the headphones that are hiding the horns :)
thank you for the sweet review Lynn. you're too kind.

[alifeacoustic]

Ha, I like the commentary style you use Woody, I have done this in the past by just assuming that everyone knows anything I say in brackets are me commentating (but then I go and spoil it by having to type this big long explanation of how anything I say in brackets is my imagination and that kinda spoils it)
And living in Cognito, brilliant. I wanna move there please, but nothing came up when I googled it. 
Poor Peter’s pickpocketed pack of pickled peppers presumably perplexed Peterbut at least he still had his beer.
Nice one Sir.

[Woody]

you know alife, writing is a genuine joy for me. I'm the first one to laugh and enjoy these little pieces. if I'm not having fun while I'm typing, I know the readers aren't going to like them. I'm still a little boy like that.
thanks heaps my friend. as always, knowing you liked this fills me with joy.
poor peter's pickpocketed.... very good. now why haven't I thought of that? damn! :)

[Terpsichore]

Woody, as even, I am genuinely impressed by you ability to tell the tale itself. Punch line apart, 'tis well told and the detail is indeed devilish; particularly enjoyed the 'four fingers of various lengths' line.

T

[Woody]

and as ever, your visits are a genuine joy. thank you Dear. I'm literally buoyed that you found it funny :)

[Lydia Shutter]

Peculiarly amusing....almost like a fractured fairy tale! :) Particularly pleasant in parts....and the alliteration is wonderful! :) Lydi**

[Woody]

thank you so much Lydia. I like peculiar and I enjoy coming up with the unexpected.
so glad you found it amusing.

[emmajoy]

' .. in the red plastic basket with the black handle. (The devil’s in the detail, see?). He stopped and perused the shelf housing sachets of olives, caper and the like. Pete Piper picked a pack of pickled peppers. Huh, try saying that 3 times before .. '

LAUGHING - you rascal! You've used so many talents, skills in this post, Woody - plus the intelligence to place words in very succinct places. You've juggled thoughts bout the tongue twister, turned it into the heart of a story, and near danced out in space where the sheep 'babaah' at nothing at all. Super ripe finish, clever throughout.. and sends me off and away with giggles and admiration!

[Woody]

mmmmmm this is like taking a shot of something (LSD?) I'm floating, literally. you should see the grin on my face. yeah, I know. stupid.
thanks a million Dear. this makes playing the fool worthwhile.

[emmajoy]

Playing the fool should be Man's passion! :)

[Debra White]

Hi Woody,
I enjoyed this little bit of daft. Your teasing of and engagement with the reader throughout is fun and your word play is clever. Loved how you made a story from the age old tongue twister of Peter Piper - inspired and very entertaining. Your description of the gloves was totally unnecessary but that was the point and it made me laugh - loved the parts about the collar and coat, the push/pull mix up - your devilishly detailed description of the shopping basket (that you didn't need to name!) and well, I just thought there were great little touches throughout. Nicely done - you definitely won my smiles this morning!
Kindest regards, Debra :)

[Woody]

awfully nice of you to stop by Debra. I'm so happy you didn't rush through the story but picked the little bits of unnecessary (but intentional) craziness I enjoyed peppering the story with. i.e map in the glove compartment and gloves in the map compartment (as if there were such a thing!) you might say it's my style :)
Cheers.

[Debra White]

You're welcome, Woody :) Look forward to reading more from you.

[Valentine]

A silly remake of an old comedian tale. But the way you laid it out did bring a big smile. Valentine

[Woody]

thanks a lot Kathie.
with this one, all I did was take a tongue twister and play the usual fool. if it looks like an old tale, it's pure coincidence. glad it made you smile.

[Samuel Dickens]

Stop! Thief! Oh, well, he still has that pack of pickled p*****s to snack on. An error here--"..taken a wrong turning."

[Woody]

hah pickled what? but they'd have a sour taste, Sam!! thanks but no thanks. give me whipped cream any time.

[Samuel Dickens]

Aw c'mon, Woody, you know I mean puddy tats--right?

[Woody]

hahaha yeah I guess I knew. was just playing dumb.
incidentally, the ending and tongue twister were just an excuse to allow me to fool around with the story (what's new?). I wonder if the few oddities I threw in were easily picked up.

[Samuel Dickens]

I think so. I still think you're a reincarnated vaudevillian.

[Woody]

thank you Sam. this is a compliment that I'll always cherish.