goodbye

when love is dead, all you have left to do is say goodbye.

She was lying on the bed,

face down,

He looked at the damp pillow.

The petals of the wilting flower

Were strewn

On the bedside table.

He blew her a kiss

Then turned around

And left.

 

Her pillow was damp,

the vase was tilting,

flower petals

Were slowly wilting,

showing love

About to die.

He blew a kiss

And said good bye.

Author's Note

I'm probably an old fshioned guy. I much prefer rhymed poetry to free verse or "stream of consciousness". (please don't shoot me!). I tried to convince Marie (a writer/poet on WC and one I admire and respect) that anyone can string words together and call it poetry, so I wrote the following, which she rearranged into the second rhymed poem. she thinks (probably out of modesty) that mine was better and hers was banal/trite (her words). I don't think so. I think hers is auch a sweet and tender poem.
I'd be much obliged if you could give me your opinion. thanks for your time.

Reviews

[Mars Bear]

I like the idea of the two versions. It's something that tore me when I started writing a couple years ago. I literally only knew how to write in rhyming couplets. Free verse intimidated me as it didn't have the "safety" of rhyme. It genuinely intimidated me. I used to try writing without the comfort of rhyme and it took me a while to break the traditional pace and meter. The more I learnt about poetry and the many forms, I found myself able to break away from it. And now I appreciate all forms and styles. And this is a classic example of how whether it rhymes or not, it's content and interpretation that matter.
Both pieces are really nicely done.
The free verse used a pacing and structure that I felt emphasised emotion and feeling.
The rhyme was perfectly metered and gave a lightness to the sadness.
Both great.

Enjoyed this. Thank you both.

[Woody]

appreciate your thoughtful review MB. thank you very much. unlike you, I still cling to the belief that rhymed poems are better and show mastery of the poetic tool. stick in the mud, huh? what's that old proverb? you can't teach an old dog new tricks. give me a rhymed poem any time.
glad you liked this work.

[AprilRN1210]

I like both of them for different reasons... The first one I feel more emotionally involved. Partly, I think do to the flow, secondly to some of the descriptions. I can see more vividly her face in the pillow and the petals strewn as he walks away... I am a sucker for a rhyming piece that has excellent flow as with this one. With its short, precise, concentrated phrasing, it is direct and powerful. It delivers the message wonderfully. For this I say I like both of them equally for different reasons..

[Woody]

thanks heaps, April. I'm almost convinced. I'm going to start thinking seriously about writing free verse.

[AprilRN1210]

You're welcome. It was my pleasure. I honestly do like both. I rarely write in free verse, but when I do, it is usually more emotional, deep, and therapeutic for me and less for entertainment, if that makes sense:) I think it is all preference and what you enjoy!

[Woody]

gotcha! thanks again, Dear.

[Relic]

I'm going to think about this for a bit before commenting. :)

[Woody]

take your time Relic. thanks for stopping by :)

[Relic]

They both have their own merits as Jacob said but the second does not mention her on the bed, it only mentions her pillow being damp. Did the cat knock over the vase? Did the open window do it? "Showing love about to die." That could mean the flowers being a representation of love but "about to die" is not the same thing as dead. CPR would help those about to die. So it's not definite as is the first one.

Show don't tell as they say. I think if you worked on it more you could do more with it. I don't think there needs to be a rhyme for a poem to be good. I used to rhyme but found descriptions better without being forced to rhyme. I see her arm resting on the table and her hair damp as well.

I think both are good but each need just a little work to make the scene clearer.

[Woody]

thank you Relic. the reviewers seem to agree that what I wrote is not complete trash. I'm happy about that. I need expert opinion. I like your remark abou the love "about" to die. and her "absence" from the picture in the second poem. your review and the others' are a great help.

[Bethany Rose]

Wonderful poems. I am a lover of rhyming poetry too. I prefer poems to have rhythm and there is something quite perfect about the meter and flow of a rhyming piece, but equally it can be off-putting when a rhyme feels too 'forced'. I've never tried free verse (maybe I should...) and admire anyone who can do it successfully. The rhyme works wonderfully in the second poem and flows so well, but there is so much feeling and beautiful imagery which exists in both poems. The first poem did draw me in more though. It was more intriguing and I found myself wanting to know more about the couple. Lovely reads.

[Woody]

there's a girl after my own heart!
thank you very much Bethany. I still think Marie's poem is more beautiful.

[Nusquam Esse]

I personally enjoyed the second one a bit more; I am thinking that this was because the first one could use some trimming of stale and unnecessary words, which held back the word choice. The first one had potential of carrying a heavier and more impactful ending, but the pacing was a bit off. In that sort of situation, stronger meter tends to carry through. Free-verse and Form both have their uses, and their strengths and weaknesses. In the end, good poetry is good poetry, and a good poet will understand how to best push the strengths of the format he is using.

[Woody]

thanks a lot Nusquam. I'm not surprised you liked the second one better. a real poet wrote that one :) but I see what you mean. even free verse has to follow certain rules.

[Marie]

I still think your free verse poem is better than my rhymed one. It simply has more meaning. As Jacob ays, it's a matter of taste.

[Woody]

thank you Marie. I'm.. hm.. almost convinced :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

sometimes rhyme fits the theme better...i felt the morose feeling a little more in the second version...although i am a free verser by nature...but each version has its own merit and could stand up strong enough. It's so much a matter of taste.

[Woody]

thank you evry much jacob. your assessment helps me see a bit clearer. as you say it's a matter of taste. when there's rhyme, its like a song. I can hear music in my head and I literally feel happy while reading.