goodbye

when love is dead, all you have left to do is say goodbye.

She was lying on the bed,

face down,

He looked at the damp pillow.

The petals of the wilting flower

Were strewn

On the bedside table.

He blew her a kiss

Then turned around

And left.

 

Her pillow was damp,

the vase was tilting,

flower petals

Were slowly wilting,

showing love

About to die.

He blew a kiss

And said good bye.

Author's Note

I'm probably an old fshioned guy. I much prefer rhymed poetry to free verse or "stream of consciousness". (please don't shoot me!). I tried to convince Marie (a writer/poet on WC and one I admire and respect) that anyone can string words together and call it poetry, so I wrote the following, which she rearranged into the second rhymed poem. she thinks (probably out of modesty) that mine was better and hers was banal/trite (her words). I don't think so. I think hers is auch a sweet and tender poem.
I'd be much obliged if you could give me your opinion. thanks for your time.

Reviews

[Mars Bear]

I like the idea of the two versions. It's something that tore me when I started writing a couple years ago. I literally only knew how to write in rhyming couplets. Free verse intimidated me as it didn't have the "safety" of rhyme. It genuinely intimidated me. I used to try writing without the comfort of rhyme and it took me a while to break the traditional pace and meter. The more I learnt about poetry and the many forms, I found myself able to break away from it. And now I appreciate all forms and styles. And this is a classic example of how whether it rhymes or not, it's content and interpretation that matter.
Both pieces are really nicely done.
The free verse used a pacing and structure that I felt emphasised emotion and feeling.
The rhyme was perfectly metered and gave a lightness to the sadness.
Both great.

Enjoyed this. Thank you both.

[Woody]

appreciate your thoughtful review MB. thank you very much. unlike you, I still cling to the belief that rhymed poems are better and show mastery of the poetic tool. stick in the mud, huh? what's that old proverb? you can't teach an old dog new tricks. give me a rhymed poem any time.
glad you liked this work.

[B. Boileau]

Both are excellent. Twin versions of a sad tale. I don't like rules (as a general rule ) so what ever works. Collaborations are always fun too . Blending ink ,2 minds,2 talented authors,2 beautiful versions.... We'll done X2 !

[Woody]

much appreciated, B. you're too kind. that was one of my rare "grown-up" moments.
I'd meant to show Marie how easy it was to write unrhymed poems.
thanks for the visit and review.

[Mr_M]

A very beautiful poem. A story changes with perspective, I love that. I think there shouldn't be rules to writing, it should always be down to vision and story telling. But I do like a rythming poem also. Horses for courses.

[Woody]

thanks a lot Mr_M. there's music to a rhyming poem, isn't there? you can sing it. but then perhaps I'm old fashioned and I refuse change. that's old age for you :)

[Angela Hunter]

I love how it seems to be separated according to the two views. The man seems to view the love as already dead, whereas the woman seems to be holding on despite the inevitability. I would love to see this poem expanded to show a longer scene!

[Woody]

Gee, that's interesting! never saw it that way (male/female point of view). could be a subconscious thing. nobody else had that impression. I really like that Angela.
thank you for the visit. glad you liked it.

[Matching Socks]

I love rhyming too. It's all I did when I first joined here.
Then someone asked if I had to rhyme all the time...
So, I'm on the fence now.
Great job here, as usual.

[Woody]

a leopard can't change its spots. "rhyme all the time". see? it's in your blood. come on get down that bloody fence.
thank you for the lovely visit, Dear.

[Claire in VA]

I like meter and rhyme, but I respect
and admire free verse. Heck..I am
starting to love it since I joined
this site. In the case here, I love both.
~Claire

[Woody]

thanks Claire. I'm partial to rhymed poems myself.

[m.s.early]

Without reading the author's note first, the second compliments the first and reiterates refreshingly. Having read the author's note, it is surprisingly interesting how the work came to be and in my opinion, adds something personal to the already intimate piece.

Although, it is outside of your proposition's premise, I think the two together form complimentary images of the emotionally tugging verses.

In any case, I'm left smiling :)

[Woody]

thanks a lot for taking the time, X. I was stubbornly opposed to free verse and only posted the above to prove my point. talented poets on this site (including yourself) are proving me wrong and changing the way I look at free verse.
thanks again, X

[Alessander]

This is VERY interesting. I LOVE experiments, and free verse v formal is the current schism in contemporary poetry. An interesting side note. Wordsworth argued that rhyme and meter kept poets from going off the deep end, and centuries later, he may have been right.

I do like both, but I PREFER the 2nd. It's not because I prefer rhyme more, it's simply because the ending is stronger. Ending any poem with "goodbye" makes it more poignant. It's more rhetoric than rhyme.

That being said, the first has an almost haiku feel to it, which I'm always a sucker for.

In both versions I would seriously consider omitting the "were" in "slowly wilting", but that's more of an idiosyncratic taste.

I'm also a little iffy on "blew a kiss". I understand the sentiment, but it's been said a million times. Then again, when it comes to metered/rhymed works, I know the constraints of concision. But maybe ponder about changing it.

Anyhow. Good stuff. I've been meaning to review your work for a bit now, but finally got by monocles on today lol

[Woody]

thank you very much for your interesting review, Alessander. and I'm glad you found your lost monocles :)
all the reviewers seem to think that my attempt at free verse was not a complete waste of time. well that's good to know. I'm seriously considering writing some more. after all, it's less stressful than trying to find the right rhyme.

[NoelHC]

I admire a writer that can rhyme, I haven't been able to develop that side of my writing, so my poems tend to be free verse, conversational. But I enjoy rhymes done well.
That being said, I like both versions here equally.

[Woody]

much appreciated Noel. as I explained it to other reviewers, I was kind of scoffing at free verse really when I wrote that one. a few people seem to think it's good. well, who am I to complain :)

[Beccy]

I like the first as it sets the scene really well in the minds eye, and there is an emptiness, a finality in the last two lines that to me have great impact. Then again, and for different reasons, I also like the second, in particular I thought, 'showing love about to die,' poetically sublime. A melding of the two would be an interesting read I feel.

Beccy.

[Woody]

thank you so much Beccy. I wrote that first one to prove that rhyming poems were better and couldn't believe what the reviewers finally thought of it!!!
thanks again for taking the trouble :)