the answer is blowing in the wind

tell your doctor about your problem and he will find a solution for you.

Fingers with varnished nails push the glass door to the Doctor’s practice, followed by a pair of enormous breasts. Her name is Betty Johnson but behind her back everybody calls her B. B. short for Busty Betty. Her breasts are not the only feature that is out of proportion. Her backside has turned heads in its wake on countless occasions. Today, Betty is wearing a flowing gown not unlike Indian saris. It is black and glittery. Her fake blond hair is held by a red bandana. Although in her early fifties, one can see that she has retained some of her young days’ beauty. Her hazel eyes are no doubt her best asset. One can see mischief lurking in those twinkling big eyes beneath long dark lashes. 

In the waiting room, only an elderly couple is seated, waiting their turn. The woman is knitting while her husband is softly snoring in the adjoining chair. His head is resting on his chest and a film of drool, like a spider’s thread, can clearly be seen, in the harsh light of the neon, connecting the corner of his mouth to a button of his threadbare jacket. His bald pate could be used as a mirror, marred only by a wisp of white hair. His arms are dangling on either side of the chair he is sitting on. BB, head held high, marches in and makes straight for the couch. It would be embarrassing to sit on one of those ridiculously small chairs. 

“Good morning Ms Johnson,” chimes in the secretary.

“Good morning Miss Green,” answers Betty with a smile that reveals dazzlingly white teeth.

“You are right on time for your appointment. Doctor Kerr will see you in a minute.”

The little old lady goes on clicking away with her needles, a sweet smile on her face. Her husband carries on snoring and Fanny green returns to her monitor and resumes her free cell game.
The voices rouse the old man from his slumber. He straightens up, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and, bleary-eyed, he squints at the secretary and whispers to his wife: “Is that Fanny Green?”

“No, dear,” replies his wife rolling her eyes, “it’s just a trick of the light.”

The door to the doctor’s office opens and out comes a lady dragging a weeping little girl.

“Bye, Mrs Shminski,” chirps the secretary. 
“See you, Miss Green.”

 The doctor will see you now, Ms Johnson”, said the secretary, smiling.
Betty Johnson sweeps into the doctor’s office and closes the door.

“Ah, Ms Johnson, good morning”
“Good morning, Doctor. How are you?”
“Fine, fine. Please sit down. What seems to be the problem?”
“Well Doctor, it’s quite embarrassing. I don’t know how to put it”

“As the bishop said to the actress”, quipped Doctor Joe Kerr, guffawing and slapping his knee.
“It’s no laughing matter, Doctor!” admonished Ms Johnson.

“Please forgive me. That was unprofessional of me. Do continue!”
“Well, you see, I’ve been farting uncontrollably for the past week or so. It’s almost nonstop. It’s really awkward.”
“I see. Let me reassure you. There’s nothing to worry about really. As they say, better out than in, right? Ahahah!”
“You’re quite the joker, Doctor Joe Kerr, aren’t you? I need you to give me something for it. Oh, you’d be interested to know that at least my farts don’t smell and are completely silent. Do you realize that I’ve farted about a dozen times since I came in and I’m sure you’ve never noticed?”
“Um, yes. Well enough said. Here, I’m prescribing tablets you’ll have to take twice a day for a week, then come back to see me.”
“Oh, thank you so much, Doctor”
“Quite alright. Have a good day”

Betty Johnson left the Doctor’s and went to “The Greasy Spoon” to have lunch with her friend Sandra Bollocks. She told her about her visit to the Doctor’s over a plate of baked beans.

“I can’t, for the life of me, understand what’s happening to me”, she tells her friend who, strangely, seemed to have trouble breathing.   

             -----------------------------------

A week later

Betty Johnson storms into the doctor’s office none too happy. Her usually radiant features quite gloomy, her lips pinched into a thin line.
“Hello, Ms Johnson,” greets Miss Green with a fake smile.
“Hello,” says Betty, crisply.
“Err… Would you like to step in? Doctor Kerr's expecting you”
Betty pushes the door without knocking.
“Good m…”
“What on earth have you giving me, Doctor? I thought you were meant to cure me, not cause me any further embarrassment.”
“Now, now, Ms Johnson. If you would calm down and tell me what the problem is, I may be able to help you”
“Well, my farts are still silent, thank god for small mercies, but now they smell awful, for goodness sake! Now I don’t dare to approach people, can you imagine?” 
“Right, now let’s not get all heated up. Now that we have cleared your sinuses, let’s take care of your hearing.”
B.B. lets loose a resounding fart and faints, knocking her chair over and slumping on the floor in her glorious pink dress.

“Are those black panties or just…?” wondered Doctor Kerr.

Author's Note

this is a very old story (or joke) I've read somewhere. I only remember the general outline of it. and the punchline. I had fun writing it my way. I hope you enjoy reading it.

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

Ha!. Isn't flatulence always funny? I've always thought so, but then I'm an ex-sailor. I like your sense of humor, Woody, and think you've done an excellent job of resurrecting this great old joke.

[Woody]

thanks a lot Sam. indeed flatulence is always funny. I'll be damned if I know why.

[Taylor_McCutcheon]

LMOA this is hilarious. I really enjoyed reading this and I had no clue it was a joke until the end. Very well done. Do you usually right comedy or was it just this one time to write the joke you heard? Either way, you are a natural :)

[Woody]

thanks heaps Taylor :) glad you found it funny. actually, I think that's all I'm good at, I'm afraid. there's one single "serious" piece here. Children of a lesser god (that's the title of a movie, actually). all the rest are silly things. some are old jokes I rewrite my way and others are entirely mine.

[Taylor_McCutcheon]

lol ill be happy to check them out :)

[Marie]

Yes, it was fun to read. I won't say anything about the vulgarity, since thaat just seems to be a part of what you do...

I got the "Docter Joe Kerr" pun...

[Woody]

thanks a lot Marie. yes, well, not too vulgar I hope. the next one is clean, I promise.

[just Penny]

It really is a "ripping yarn". I like the name choices - Anous (a noose?) and Kerr (cur?) and, of course, "Johnson". Was the setting Chicago? :) Highly entertaining. Sorry about all my lame puns in this comment. Penny

[Woody]

thank you very much Penny. Anous should be pronounced in a certain way. but that was the old name. I've just changed it into Joe Kerr. and no, your puns are not lame. each reader will see a different thing.