apparition 2

just a scene in a bar where one gets to meet "interesting" people.

Sean O’brian, S.O.B. to his friends, was sitting at the counter in his usual spot, the left hand-side corner. He liked to keep an eye on the door to the bar to watch who came in. He looked like a scholar with his dark rimmed glasses. He had a shock of mussed black hair, bulging eyes and a cleft chin. He sported a thin moustache which he tweaked whenever he was deep in thought. 

Harry, the bartender, was serving old Mrs. Simpson (her name’s not Marge, he asked her) at the far end of the counter. He used to be a biker in his younger days. He still carried the reminders of those bygone days. A luxuriant beard, an ear ring and a pot belly. 

Business was slack at ten in the morning. There were three other patrons scattered in the room, nursing their own drinks and watching a game on telly. Harry sauntered back towards Sean. He leaned on the counter and said:

“Penny for your thoughts.”

“You know”, replied Sean, “I was reflecting on the staggering number of people living on the face of Mother Earth.”

“And?” said Harry, knitting his eyebrows.

“Well, imagine there were no death. We’d be piled up on top of one another. Let me tell you, death is the best thing that ever happened to Man.”

“That’s deep, my friend.”

“Yeah, as the bishop said to the actress.”

Sean drained the last of his beer, smacked his lips and said:

“Same again please, Harry”.

As harry was drawing the beer, Sean told him:

“Do you know that every time I breathe in and out someone dies somewhere in the world?”

Harry brings the beer and carefully places it on the beer mat.

“Well”, said Harry, “why don’t you use a mouth wash?” then returned to Mrs. Simpson who wanted more ice in her Gin and tonic.

As he was laughing at a joke Mrs. Simpson had just told him, the door was pushed open and in came an angel. The pub seemed to light up. She had the bluest eyes he’d ever seen; her golden hair was flowing behind her and seemed to hang in the air. Incredibly, she seemed to be walking in slow motion like they do it in some movies. You’re probably familiar with that trick. She was wearing a flowery frock that left nothing to the imagination. Time stopped. Even the TV went mute. All six mouths in the pub were agape. Finally she reached the counter and blinded him with her smile. he had to shield his eyes.

“Can I use the Ladies’, please?” She asked in a mellifluous voice.

Harry’s mind went blank. Was she asking him to use the Ladies’? Hell! She could use the Gents’ as well, if she wished. He managed to nod dumbly and point her towards the loo. She walked away and all eyes, including Mrs. Simpson’s, were glued to her back. As the door swang shut behind her, the room darkened noticeably, the TV resumed its blaring and a collective sigh was finally released.

 

Five minutes later, the apparition materialized again. She leaned on the counter revealing a cleavage that made poor Harry’s heart pound achingly. She put her hand to his beard and cooed:

“Are you the boss, darling?”

He shook his head, no. He couldn’t trust himself to talk. His mouth was dry and he felt hot. His eyes threatened to pop out of their sockets. She kept twirling her fingers through his beard, a smile playing on her full lips.

“Could you be so sweet as to take a message, honey?” She asked, all the time playing with his beard, left side, right side, under the chin.

“Yes”, he managed to croak.

Her smile broadened and she said: “Please tell him there’s no toilet paper in the ladies’.”

Author's Note

edited version of "apparition"

Reviews

[AprilRN1210]

now, this was entertainmenting, my friend... what an ending.. ha!... oh my goodness.. I laughed a few times through this.. that is one thing I love about your writing, it always amuses and makes me giggle.. this was witty and a joy to read.. you immersed me from the beginning and held my interest throughout with colorful characters, clever, funny dialogue and vivid scenery... well done!! I thoroughly enjoyed...

[Woody]

haha I like entertainmenting :) thantks a million, Dear. always glad to make you giggle :)))

[AprilRN1210]

it was my pleasure... and giggle I did.. :)

[Penlady]

Wonderful sense of humor...I'll bet Harry's beard grew faster after that tender mauling...angels always must "wipe clean!"

[Woody]

hahaha wipe clean, I like that. Thank you very much Penlady. love your sense of humour, too.

[Frieda P]

Ha I think I know this S.O.B. It's always about cleavage with you guys! A very fun read, cheers Woody!

[Woody]

haha you can't understand the effect, on men, of cleavages and all the wonderful assets God has given women, Frieda. you're not a man. I mean, think about it. Adam disobeyed his creator (???) when Eve flashed him a bit of a thigh!! but you know the power that you wield, ladies.
thanks for popping in. glad you like it.

[Frieda P]

Men and women experience sexual arousal very differently, I mean I can appreciate a bulge too, but I don't write sonnets about it ha ha You guys are so visually tempted it's not even funny, unless it's written in your hilarious stories. ;)

[Woody]

hahahahaha your reviews crack me up Frieda. why don't you write funny stories?
this killed me: "I can appreciate a bulge but I don't write sonnets about it"

[Frieda P]

I've written one or two, they don't come as easily as they do for you Woody. I usually like to play in the dark too muchly. ;)

[Woody]

and you're veeery good at what you do. honestly, you're a smashing poetess.

[Frieda P]

You'll be sorry now, I sent you a few. ;) Thanks, you're too sweet Woody.

[Woody]

sent, where? nothing in my inbox!

[Frieda P]

Why doesn't that surprise me, the cafe is daft.....!

[Tom]

Even an Angel has to powder her nose sometimes!

A light-hearted entertaining little story, nicely conveyed Woody !

[Woody]

thank you Tom.
the usual corny things :)

[Matching Socks]

That my friend, was quite the twist. :)
What a dirty story, but funny.

[Woody]

haha yes I grant you it's on the fringe of dirty. but I can't be held accountable for my characters' actions. thanks for stopping by, Sophia.

[Matching Socks]

Anytime. :)

[Samuel Dickens]

Ooooooooo, ya got me! And there I was, letting my old sailor brain imagine some kind of lewd afterworld activities.

[Woody]

me, lewd? never. children may me reading over your shoulder. thanks for the visit Sam.

[Beccy]

Loved this to bits, it reminds me why I'm not over keen on men with beards. :)

Beccy.

[Woody]

hahaha thanks heaps, Beccy. for sure, you never know what's lurking in that suspicious growth and who's been toying with it :)

[justtyler]

The ending made me laugh out loud for real. Some suggestions:

1. Formatting. You can have a good story but if it's hard to read chances are I won't bother. Break it down into more paragraphs, have a space between conversations, all of this makes it easier on the eyes.
2. Sometimes you write harry, sometimes you write Harry. It doesn't really detract from the story but from an editing point of view, it doesn't look good.
3. I'm not sure "apparition" was used correctly in the last paragraph. You made her sound like a ghost haha.

Overall it was humorous, and I'd like to thank you for your choice of words. I've learnt some new words today which I had added to my word lexicon! :)

[Woody]

thanks a lot Tyler and I'm glad you found it funny. thanks also for taking the time to review.
I'll do the editing shortly. and "apparition" was intentional, really. an angel materialising out of thin air :)

[Marie]

You didn't edit, you added. THe first "apparation" was good because of its brevity. In this version, I'm afraid the words got in the way of the story.

[Woody]

ouch!
thanks Marie. looks like I ended up with the opposite of what I was aiming for. but if you say the first was better, I trust your judgement.