dyslexia

strange conversation with customers.

Benny had just opened for the day. He’d arranged the wicker chairs around the dozen or so tables and was now vigorously wiping the beer taps with a piece of cloth. As he was proudly grinning at his distorted reflection, the little bell on top of the door pinged and he looked up to see an elderly couple enter his pub. He beamed at his first customers of the day and greeted them:

“Good morning folks!”

The couple started towards the bar as the door swung shut behind them. The man was balding on top and the hair on either side of his head was milky white. His beady eyes were almost hidden behind thick glasses and his bushy eyebrows seemed to rest on the black frame of his cheaters. He had a handlebar moustache under a bulbous nose covered in a network of broken capillaries.

“Morning”, responded the man as he climbed on a stool.

His companion was a small woman with an erect body. She had bags under her eyes which were the bluest Benny had ever seen. Her nose was pointy and her lips were pinched in a thin line.

“..orning”, she mumbled as she sat beside the man.

“What can I get you?” said Benny with a smile.

“A pint of fager with femonade, pfease”, said the man.

“I beg your pardon”, answered Benny, puzzled.

“Pint of lager with lemonade”, clarified the woman helpfully.

“Ah, yes, right away. And you Madam?”

“I’ll have a pourpon.”

“Sorry? A what?”

“A bourbon”, said her companion.

“Uhm.. Yes, sure.”

The man saw the frown on Benny’s face and looked at his wife with a raised eyebrow. (I’m not sure which eyebrow. Right or left. You see, contrary to the common belief, a writer doesn’t necessarily know everything about his characters).

His wife shrugged her shoulders and said: “Tell him!”

Mr. handlebar moustache said: “Right” and took a gulp of his drink.

“I have a rare form of dysfexia. I can’t pronounce the letter “F”.

“ ‘L’ ”, said Benny, helpfully.

“Yes, F. When I was a smaff fad, I suffered a trauma. I was bitten by a fox.”

“What’s a lox?” Benny wanted to know.

“No, not a fox. A fox. You know that animaf with a ffuffy taif. Anyway, it was bad f**k. I was coffecting fungi when I stumbfed upon a fitter of foxes. The fox was onfy defending its fittfe ones. Bad f**k, as I said.”

“Well, I must say”, said Benny, “that it’s disconcerting to have a conversation with you.”

“Teff me about it”, replied the man. “How do you think I feef when peopfe fook at me puzzfed?”

“Put, along the years”, put in the wife, tucking an unruly lock of hair behind her ear, “people got used to him. Put it sure was puffling at first.”

“Erm.. If I may ask, Madam, do you have a similar condition?”

“Oh no”, said Betty, “I can’t pronounce the letter P.”

“B?” asked Benny.

“Yes, P. you see, a few years ago, I happened to pe in the street..”

“Pee in the street?” asked the barman, appalled.

“No, ‘Pe’, as in papy, pingo, park, palls, crap.”

“Ok. I get it. Be in the street.”

“So, I was peeing in the street. I mean I happened to pe in the street when this prawl proke out and this pastard hit me with his prick on the head.”

“His what?” spluttered Benny, obviously shocked.

“Not that sort of prick! He was throwing pricks. You know, pig, red pricks. Those red oplong things you use to puild houses.”

"Oh, I’m sorry, “brick”. Right, get it.”

Betty (aha! So that’s her name!) took a sip of her pourpon. Damn! I’m starting to sound like her, now!

Betty took a sip of her bourbon and daintily deposited her glass on the pink coaster, pinky raised.

“As if that was not enough, as I was lying on the floor, pleeding, one of the thugs stepped on my poop.”

Benny blew his cheeks and made round eyes. He said:

“Boy! What were the odds the two of you getting together?”

“Yeah, one in a pillion”, said Betty.

“Bad f**k, as I said”, added the man, scratching his nose.    

Author's Note

First off, I hope nobody gets offeneded. I meant the story for fun.
Secondly, I don't know if you're going to find it funny. I had this idea and wanted to try it. I'd be much obliged if you could give me your honest opinion.

Reviews

[DaughterNature]

Ahahaha, I liked this -- it's very funny, although I severely doubt that this would clinically be called dyslexia, as that is the name for the condition where people have a difficult time reading, not speaking.

A few notes: I believe the gentleman might be calling for a pint of "lager" (a type of beer) rather than a "larger" (an adjective that denotes size). I understand that you might have been going for humor with your parenthetical about the eyebrow, but the story is funny enough on its own, so the parenthetical comes off as a weird authorial voice. I also don't think that you call a litter of foxes a "litter of vixen," since "vixen" is the term for a female fox, and it sounds like the character didn't get close enough to judge the sex of the babies before he was bitten. Again, the authorial voice insertion with the "pourpon" comment feels unnecessary to the comedy of the piece. And although the "stepped on my poop" line is funny, I sincerely doubt that the character Betty would actually say someone stepped on her "b**b."

On the whole, however, very snappy and funny!

[Woody]

thank you very much for your input. which, incidentally, made me laugh. glad you thought it was funny. this is the first time I felt uncomfortable writing a story.
you're right about the lager. silly mistake of mine.
I knew about dyslexia. it's the character who got it wrong.
the eyebrow. I thought it was funny. looks like I was wrong. you see, I like to do those little asides in a few of my stories but, ok. maybe that was overkill.
vixen is another stupid mistake. I should've checked that.
as for the poop, well I had to make that joke.
again thank you very much :)

[MsJewel]

I am so glad I stumbled across this little gem this evening. Just what I needed after a long week of work. You have a stellar sense of humor and your creativity is off the charts. This has to be one of the best short stories, and the best laugh I have had in a long time!

Thank you for the smiles!
:) Julie

[Woody]

thank you Dear. it's such a pleasure to help brighten peolple's lives with my silly stories :)

[Bright Ocean Star]

It is hysterical. I almost fell out of my chair. Woody, you are a treat to read right fepore fed!

[Woody]

hahaha I see you caught the pug!!! thank you Anne. so glad you found it amusing :)

[Bright Ocean Star]

You are welcome. It is always a pleasure to read what you create...such a humorous mind you have, my friend...:)

[Woody]

I'm humbled. thank you :)

[Claire in VA]

Oh my goodness. The very day I told
you that I am trying not to use bad words,
I chose to read this crazy story!! You
must be smart to have shared that entire
conversation of your characters speaking
with such LUCKED UP FANGUAGE.
》》》DAG! 《《《

I did like it.
I also like when you speak to us directly
in your asides.
You made me laugh on a sad day for me.
Thnx ;)

Claire

[Woody]

fof!!! thanks a lot Claire. so glad to have brightened up your mood on this particularly sad day.read morefof!!! thanks a lot Claire. so glad to have brightened up your mood on this particularly sad day.
may she rest in peace!

[Taylor_McCutcheon]

Im actually diagnosed with dyslexia and I thought this was funny lol Of course its not a speech thing lol but its funny either way XP

[Woody]

thanks a lot Taylor. yes, that is a "rare form of dyslexia" :))

[Rose of many colours]

This is such a naughty write. different from the usual ones. Have great day

[Woody]

thanks for stopping by Rose. you'll have to admit that it wouldn't have been funny without those "naughty" words :) Have a great one, too.

[Ha He Giggle]

Oh, this is good~ You wouldn't know but as a child I also replaced the letter 'b' with 'p'~!
Ah, you make me laugh~ Thanks~ And good job~!

[Woody]

thanks a lot HHG. I'm super glad you liked it. yes I can imagine how fun it is to replace certain letters and come up with hilarious words.

[Ha He Giggle]

You're most welcome hun~ Keep it up~!

[Vidya Bacchus]

OMG.....oh lord I am laughing so hard.You crack me up Woody .Thank you for the laughs you made my evening :)

[Woody]

thank you dear Vid. I can hear your laughter (no kidding. I'm that good) and that makes my evening. my dreams are going to be in technicolour tonight :)

[Vidya Bacchus]

You say the most lovely things my sweet friend.You are so very welcome :)

[Rita L. Sev]

Though "dyslexia" is not really an accurate name for this guy's disorder, I love how you committed to the concept and kept the piece entertaining throughout. I have a feeling you started with that fun ending and built the story from there... ;)

[Woody]

thanks for stopping by Rita :) Now, I am well aware the affliction is not dyslexia. but my character does not know it. he did say "rare form", though. believe me I have no controle over my characters :) glad you found it entertaining.

[Symphonic_Sunflowers]

It took me a few reads to get the hang on what the frickity frack was being said! But I liked it! I found it to be quite funny and amusing! :D

[Woody]

thanks a lot Chloe. I must admit that I didn't have as much fun writing this one as I did when I wrote a few of the others. it bothered me that the reader might have trouble "deciphering" this crazy language. ah well. it was an idea and I had to try it.

[Symphonic_Sunflowers]

It was a good idea! And i admire your moxy! And will to try things youre not too sure of! I wish i had that courage!

[Woody]

mmm.. I never saw that as courage. I worry too much that the readers would not get my point and would not like what I post.