dyslexia

strange conversation with customers.

Benny had just opened for the day. He’d arranged the wicker chairs around the dozen or so tables and was now vigorously wiping the beer taps with a piece of cloth. As he was proudly grinning at his distorted reflection, the little bell on top of the door pinged and he looked up to see an elderly couple enter his pub. He beamed at his first customers of the day and greeted them:

“Good morning folks!”

The couple started towards the bar as the door swung shut behind them. The man was balding on top and the hair on either side of his head was milky white. His beady eyes were almost hidden behind thick glasses and his bushy eyebrows seemed to rest on the black frame of his cheaters. He had a handlebar moustache under a bulbous nose covered in a network of broken capillaries.

“Morning”, responded the man as he climbed on a stool.

His companion was a small woman with an erect body. She had bags under her eyes which were the bluest Benny had ever seen. Her nose was pointy and her lips were pinched in a thin line.

“..orning”, she mumbled as she sat beside the man.

“What can I get you?” said Benny with a smile.

“A pint of fager with femonade, pfease”, said the man.

“I beg your pardon”, answered Benny, puzzled.

“Pint of lager with lemonade”, clarified the woman helpfully.

“Ah, yes, right away. And you Madam?”

“I’ll have a pourpon.”

“Sorry? A what?”

“A bourbon”, said her companion.

“Uhm.. Yes, sure.”

The man saw the frown on Benny’s face and looked at his wife with a raised eyebrow. (I’m not sure which eyebrow. Right or left. You see, contrary to the common belief, a writer doesn’t necessarily know everything about his characters).

His wife shrugged her shoulders and said: “Tell him!”

Mr. handlebar moustache said: “Right” and took a gulp of his drink.

“I have a rare form of dysfexia. I can’t pronounce the letter “F”.

“ ‘L’ ”, said Benny, helpfully.

“Yes, F. When I was a smaff fad, I suffered a trauma. I was bitten by a fox.”

“What’s a lox?” Benny wanted to know.

“No, not a fox. A fox. You know that animaf with a ffuffy taif. Anyway, it was bad f**k. I was coffecting fungi when I stumbfed upon a fitter of foxes. The fox was onfy defending its fittfe ones. Bad f**k, as I said.”

“Well, I must say”, said Benny, “that it’s disconcerting to have a conversation with you.”

“Teff me about it”, replied the man. “How do you think I feef when peopfe fook at me puzzfed?”

“Put, along the years”, put in the wife, tucking an unruly lock of hair behind her ear, “people got used to him. Put it sure was puffling at first.”

“Erm.. If I may ask, Madam, do you have a similar condition?”

“Oh no”, said Betty, “I can’t pronounce the letter P.”

“B?” asked Benny.

“Yes, P. you see, a few years ago, I happened to pe in the street..”

“Pee in the street?” asked the barman, appalled.

“No, ‘Pe’, as in papy, pingo, park, palls, crap.”

“Ok. I get it. Be in the street.”

“So, I was peeing in the street. I mean I happened to pe in the street when this prawl proke out and this pastard hit me with his prick on the head.”

“His what?” spluttered Benny, obviously shocked.

“Not that sort of prick! He was throwing pricks. You know, pig, red pricks. Those red oplong things you use to puild houses.”

"Oh, I’m sorry, “brick”. Right, get it.”

Betty (aha! So that’s her name!) took a sip of her pourpon. Damn! I’m starting to sound like her, now!

Betty took a sip of her bourbon and daintily deposited her glass on the pink coaster, pinky raised.

“As if that was not enough, as I was lying on the floor, pleeding, one of the thugs stepped on my poop.”

Benny blew his cheeks and made round eyes. He said:

“Boy! What were the odds the two of you getting together?”

“Yeah, one in a pillion”, said Betty.

“Bad f**k, as I said”, added the man, scratching his nose.    

Author's Note

First off, I hope nobody gets offeneded. I meant the story for fun.
Secondly, I don't know if you're going to find it funny. I had this idea and wanted to try it. I'd be much obliged if you could give me your honest opinion.

Reviews

[DaughterNature]

Ahahaha, I liked this -- it's very funny, although I severely doubt that this would clinically be called dyslexia, as that is the name for the condition where people have a difficult time reading, not speaking.

A few notes: I believe the gentleman might be calling for a pint of "lager" (a type of beer) rather than a "larger" (an adjective that denotes size). I understand that you might have been going for humor with your parenthetical about the eyebrow, but the story is funny enough on its own, so the parenthetical comes off as a weird authorial voice. I also don't think that you call a litter of foxes a "litter of vixen," since "vixen" is the term for a female fox, and it sounds like the character didn't get close enough to judge the sex of the babies before he was bitten. Again, the authorial voice insertion with the "pourpon" comment feels unnecessary to the comedy of the piece. And although the "stepped on my poop" line is funny, I sincerely doubt that the character Betty would actually say someone stepped on her "b**b."

On the whole, however, very snappy and funny!

[Woody]

thank you very much for your input. which, incidentally, made me laugh. glad you thought it was funny. this is the first time I felt uncomfortable writing a story.
you're right about the lager. silly mistake of mine.
I knew about dyslexia. it's the character who got it wrong.
the eyebrow. I thought it was funny. looks like I was wrong. you see, I like to do those little asides in a few of my stories but, ok. maybe that was overkill.
vixen is another stupid mistake. I should've checked that.
as for the poop, well I had to make that joke.
again thank you very much :)

[Epicness]

Ha ha, awesome story, this made my day!

[Woody]

Thank you Epicness :) so glad you enjoyed it.

[...]

Woody, you are so creative and you have a lot of fun with it :) This was a chuckle and a joy to read. I'm not offended. Don't think many will be. I loved it!

[Woody]

thanks a million lynn :) I'm elated you liked it.

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

I LOVED THIS! I was in no way offended although I know some people with this condition.

That was extremely funny. "Bad f**k";"Pe on the street";"coffecting fungi" (whatever coffecting is haha); "red pricks"; ETC. That is just simply hilarious!

I like that you laugh with the illness (let's just say you do) instead of crying over it. I also like your commentaries you input into your stories. I can't say for others, but I feel closer to you as a writer. It feels interactive and dynamic!

[Woody]

it's 8:30 a.m. here. so you've just made my day, Nadia. going to be a gorgeous day :) so thank you. I did have fun while writing this one.
coffecting = collecting. don't you understand Engfish?

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

hahahaha :D you're loads of laughs. i am glad this made your day!

[Jimmy Yetts]

Madcap humor!
I did enjoy the comedic chaos of it all.
As always, very well-written; inhabited by colorful characters.
Your style, Woody, definitely has a certain charm.

[Woody]

thanks a bunch Frankie. my characters have a way of getting out of hand :) but I enjoy their company while I'm writing. always a pleasure to see they make people laugh.

[Charles Kadib]

This work is crazy...i laughed so hard i nearly fell off my chair. Great story telling, impeccable lines,quite splendid. The only thing i dislike about this work is that narrator that breaks into the story every now and then,that nearly ruined it...but even that was not enough. Good one

[Woody]

thanks a lot Charles. I'm so glad you enjoyed this weird story.
you're probably, no, definitely right. the first incursion of the narrator was over the top. I'll get rid of it. but I'll keep the second. I feel it's not much of a distraction.
I need to explain that I often do that and I personally enjoy it. I'll probably keep on doing it but I'll be more careful in the future.
thanks again Charles. appreciate your review.

[Charles Kadib]

Its ok...an artist must first please himself, that's the great thing about writing. We do what we enjoy

[Matching Socks]

lol. This made me chuckle. :)
Great little bit of fun.

[Woody]

see, I haven't changed. same old silly Woody :)
glad this made you chuckle.

[Samuel Dickens]

I speak "sailor", so it all seemed normal to me. In fact, that's how I sound after a keg of beer has numbed my tongue. (and brain) You're ready for the stage and lights, Woody. Can you tap dance?

[Woody]

haha I know exactly what you mean. beer has that infuriating effect on me too. but who cares?
tap dance, you say? at my age (and inebriated state), it's more like shuffle dance.
thank you so much Sam for taking the time.

[M.E.Lyle]

Vell,I vasn't ovvended at all. It vas quite vunny. Oh no, I vink it's contavious.

[Woody]

hahaha you crack me up, Mike. your affliction is called the Himmler Syndrome. Vs and Ws? that sounded German to me :) glad you vind it vunny dear vriend.

[M.E.Lyle]

Ah ves dee ole vindler vondler. I knew it vaus somting zike dat. Hey, I didn't know I could speak Joimon. Uh oh, now I'm sure I've offended someone. I apologize profoundly, or profusely, or whatever that word is I'm searching for. Just the kind of thing to get a guy in trouble. Remember,, it's all in fun. I love everybody...well, maybe not that guy over there pointing a mean finger at me. Bye now...gotta' run, I mean REALLY RUN..

[Woody]

Gee, Mike this is serious! your letters are all mixed up!!! yoou'll need to give me the code.
hey, why run? what's wrong with that awsome bike?

[Beccy]

No offence taken Woody, it's just great fun to read, and rather clever, especially the way you turn L to F then back again, and do the same with P and B. I think I'd have got hopelessly confused.

Beccy

[Woody]

ta very much, Beccy :) always a pleasure to see you enjoy my excentric stories.

[Terpsichore]

piked this a pot. Mad as cheese as my dad used to say.

T

[Woody]

POP! :) yeah I like to fool around. "grow up!" is what my wife keeps telling me.