count your blessings

a new version of "Two Lonely People"

Standing at the picture window of her living room, Sandra was watching the birch tree in her garden sway in the wind. The elements were raging outside. When was the last time it was this bad? 2012? 2011? God, how she hated it when it rained cats and dogs! At one time or another she’d have to go out there and sweep the driveway and clear the lawn of all the dead bodies. An audible sigh escaped her. If only they landed alive! She sure would love to keep a Dalmatian and a Siamese cat or two. She turned her head and looked at Carpenter, lying on the rug by the fireplace. Poor thing! He’s getting old. Not much longer now. A wistful smile crossed her lips when she remembered him as a sweet little puppy. She could recall why George had called him Carpenter. Every time he stole food from the pantry, he made a bolt for the door.

She heard the rustle of paper behind her as George turned a page of the newspaper he was reading.

“Is it still raining?” he asked

“Pissing”, she answered without turning round. Tomorrow, she was going back to work. She’d had to take a two-week leave since George’s accident. Somebody had to look after him and nurse him. There was no way she was driving to work in this s****y weather. She’d have to take a taxi. If.. she found a taxi. Jesus! If there was something she hated more than raining cats and dogs, it was hailing taxis.

Her fingers trailed along the beige curtains that hung limply by the window. She finally turned round.

“I still can’t decide on the colour of the new curtains”, she told George.

“Told you you needed a fresh pair of eyes”, replied her husband.

A half smile lifted the corners of her luscious lips as she glanced at the glass jar sitting on the coffee table. A smile that Leonardo Da Vinci would give his right eye to paint. The jar was in clear glass, about as tall as a coke bottle and twice as large. It was full of formaldehyde in which swam a dozen eyes of different colours, blue, green and hazel eyes. So far, she hadn’t been able to get hold of a pair of black eyes. She looked at her husband and her eyes misted. She loved him to bits, though, now, he looked weird without his ears and with his hair shaved at the sides. It could’ve been much worse. Thank God for small mercies! His head could’ve been crushed by that machine down at the mill. If he hadn’t jerked his head back in time, out of sheer reflex, she’d now be looking at an empty armchair. She shuddered at the thought.

A gust of wind shook the window pane and they both started as a black and white German shepherd hit the window and lay in a heap on the tiled floor. It was a good thing they had decided on extra thick glass.

“Are you sure you’re ready to go back to work honey?”

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry. I can’t put it off eternally. The mortgage and the bills won’t pay themselves”, he answered, folding the paper and putting it on the table next to the eye jar.

“It’s getting late, darling. Let’s hit the sack.”

Sandra went to the kitchen to get the rolling pin and George to the hall cupboard to fetch his chipped baseball bat. He climbed the stairs followed by his wife.

Right before George arrived at the mill, the following morning, the foreman held an impromptu meeting with the dozen or so workmen, to warn them not to make any reference to George’s ears.

“… and I will not tolerate any mention of his ears. Nothing! Nada! He’s bound to be sensitive about it. Self conscious. I’m warning you. If any of you as much as says the word “listen”, he’ll get the sack. Here he comes. Get back to work!”

George walked in as each of his coworkers pretended to be engrossed in their tasks. They cast casual glances towards him as they said Good morning and good to have you back.

As George was standing in front of his metal cabinet, putting on his work uniform, his neighbour, Gregory Garmy, said:

“I see you’ve stopped wearing glasses!” 

  

Author's Note

Another take on "two lonely people". Felt like turning it into a proper short story with a few more oddities thrown in for good measure.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

"A few oddities" indeed! You've outdone yourself, making this thread of nonsense seemingly "normal" sounding. This time weird pops thru-out the story outshined the ending, even tho it was a wry, sarcastic observation to welcome back the earless chap! *smile* For some reason, your storytelling sounds more polished than usual here & I almost felt like I was reading a realistic story -- or maybe your bizarre mind splatters are rubbing off on me. Now I want to write another off-the-wall story myself! Thanks for the inspiration!

[Woody]

you'll have to admit that some expressions are downright bizarre. cats and dogs?
so that's how this one came to be.
thanks a million, Dear. I'm honoured to be a source of inspiration to you :))))

[Roland Petrov]

From raining animals to hailing automobiles, this is wonderful! Making a bolt for the door was very clever, and although hitting the sack is a bit obvious, you handled it very well. The fresh eyes in the jar was good, and "jerked his head back in time" has a double meaning, doesn't it. She loved him to bits, but when bits were missing..... Funny, clever stuff!

[Woody]

yes sir :) I had fun writing this one and I hoped the readers would enjoy it.
thank you very much for dropping in Roland. glad you liked it.

[Tom]

A kind of Adams family incarnate, me thinks?

A fun tale and the guy at the end really dropped himself in the proverbially do doos, superb satire Woody, super writing & ' keep that pen lit ' !

[Woody]

thank you Tom. I'm quite partial to weird characters, aren't I? does this give a hint to a disturbed personality? I wonder.

[Tom]

No definitely not Woody, a sense of humour is a sign of intelligence and you have it in bucketloads!

[Woody]

mighty kind of you, Tom. and right back atcha (as the American expression goes) :)

[Taylor_McCutcheon]

LMAO! I loved that. lol what a smart a*s :D

[Woody]

thanks a lot Taylor. glad you like it :)
actually I think he asked a dumb innocent question. when you think of glasses, you think eyes, not ears.

[Taylor_McCutcheon]

Thats true lol I guess cause its text you could either look at it as sarcasm or just being dumb/innocent lol I still liked it lol

[Nusquam Esse]

What a weird tale! The characters are so unique, and borderline deranged; I thoroughly enjoyed this. The best part is the last line; such a subtle jab at the ears! You have some great wit, and you pursue an unconventional route for writing; these are things you either have or you don't. My only advice here, would be to go through the piece and look for unneeded words (especially articles, adverbs, and adjectives), repetition, and redundancy. Make it run a bit smoother and direct (like a good joke). This is difficult to do, but it really helps you get an in-depth grasp on your writing. Good Luck, and Great Job... oh, and thanks for reading, glad you liked it.

[Woody]

Thanks a million Nusquam. I greatly value your reviews. I'll go through it again and see if I can hone it. and you're most welcome.

[Nusquam Esse]

It is all about the process; I would point things out, but it is important to learn how to do it yourself (so that you develop as a writer). I have a terrible habit of starting sentences with 'And', which 95% of the time is completely unnecessary, and bogs down my writing. I am still learning how to make my writing more direct, so I am by no means an expert.

[Woody]

I'm working on it.

[Relic]

This certainly is unusual but humorous just the same. Raining cats and dogs huh? I can only wonder if tails grow from the flowers and kids play with marble eyes in their driveways. I enjoyed.

[Woody]

mmm I like the idea of marbles. let me think about it. lol. thank you for stopping by Relic. glad you found it humorous.

[Relic]

I did Woody. I'll be reading more from you soon. :)

[Rose of many colours]

Very, Very interesting and a bit humorous, although the male character suffered a freak accident.

[Woody]

thanks a lot, Rose. glad you found it interesting and "a bit" humourous :)
it was no freak accident. he shouldn't have stuck his head in a machine. now he'll need contact lenses.

[Rose of many colours]

The story sound so real Woody.

[Woody]

haha. it's just a figment of my imagination.

[Rose of many colours]

I am a nurse, so when I read this story I see those who suffered in the same way especially the amputees. You may tell a guy give me a hand and of course he has only one hand, recently losing one hand. Hope you understand.

[Woody]

of course, Moonera. now, in this story I was not making fun of amputees. I believe that laughing about our misfortunes helps us cope with our daily troubles.

[Rose of many colours]

You know, when we have amputees , I sincerely don't know how to relate to them. Some times I would like to ask them more than the usual words such as, " are you good and do you need any thing", also when I bring them up from theater, and they are in a semiconscious state, I would sat to them "just hang in there, you will be ok". .........Sharing just some thougts good Writer

[Woody]

I have a lot of respeect for nurses. it's a wonderful, humane job.

[Rose of many colours]

Thank you, that is a God fearing statement.

[John]

Another good quirky tale with a clever pay off at the end

[Woody]

thanks heaps, John. for reading and commenting. glad you liked it

[Will Neill]

Woody, I let my wife read this and she is still giggling to herself. As always a great story.
Will

[Woody]

wow! two birds with one stone! thanks a million. I haven't been kidding myself after all :)

[Will Neill]

We all doubt ourselves, that's the problem with"writers".
Keep well
Will

[Firestarter]

I loved the last line. It made me laugh. You are quite the humorist.

[Woody]

why thank you Firestarter. so glad I made you laugh.