accident

it could've been worse. a lot worse.

Linda and I left our old Volkswagen Beetle wheezing in the parking lot and, clutching each other’s hand, hurried to the taxi station under a battering rain. God, I hate heavy rain. My old joints always give me hell during the rainy season. We stood under the awning, hoping to stop a taxi before either of us caught pneumonia. If there’s one thing I hate more than raining cats and dogs, it’s hailing taxis. Luck smiled on us when a taxi turned the corner and we gratefully took it. 

We were going to the meet point to take part in an excursion to various parts of the country. Looked like the organizers picked a fine day for that. We soon arrived at the mall where the bus was waiting for us. We were the last on board. All the other old timers greeted us jovially and some teased us, calling us snails and tortoises and sloths. They were neighbours and retirees who’d worked with me or with Linda and some were casual acquaintances. We sank onto our seats behind old Bart and his wife Josephine. Her wheelchair was collapsed and standing in the aisle by her side. Greetings were exchanged. 

As the door hissed shut, Big Al, the driver, shouted “Hold on to your nuts, Guys!” Everybody laughed and Angela Bingham yelled “What about us, girls?” That got a few laughs, too, but I won’t repeat Pete’s reply. Too graphic. But you can imagine it for yourselves. You’re grown-ups after all. Anyway, Al honked the “shave and a haircut” bit and pulled off. You know, the one that goes "PAM - PAPAPAM - PAM - PAMPAM!" Crazy Marge started singing:

“Shave and a haircut, too bits

Who was the barber, Tom Mix

Who did he marry, Pearl White

How are the kiddies, all right”

A few miles out of town, the weather improved considerably and the gloomy ones perked up. Al, was singing along to the blaring of the radio. “Gangsta Paradise”. I couldn’t hear myself think. 

Thirty minutes or so into the trip, the bus swerved suddenly to the left then back to the right. My heart dropped right into my stomach. I swear I could hear it sloshing there. Do you know the movie “Jeepers Creepers”? Well the terror on that bus was nothing like the terror that gripped those rickety passengers, including me. Pandemonium broke out. Cries for help, shouting, wailing and gnashing of teeth are still etched in my brain, nay, seared in my very being. The image I’ll take to my grave is that of 82-year-old Bethany, sprawled in the aisle, with her dress bunched up around her midriff, legs in the air giving us a view of the skimpiest red g-string I’ve ever seen in my life. Let me hasten to reassure you. No one got hurt.

The thing was Big Al had a soft heart. He swerved to avoid hitting a stray dog and nearly sent about 20 elderly people to an early grave.

The bus ran off the road and smashed right between two cottages. The tenants of the cottages were two old couples. Mr. and Mrs. Beethoven (turned out they were descendants of the famous Helmut Beethoven, the masseur) and Mr. and Mrs. Bawl. The couples helped pull the passengers out to safety.

I was one of the lucky ones. I was pulled out by the Beethovens.  

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Thank you very much for my morning "ball" fix *heh! heh! heh!* I can always count on you to keep things bouncing along with delight & humor! I honestly did NOT get your punchline, but then I read your answer to another review & was immediately relieved nobody got pulled out by the Bawls. Your imagination is operating on several different levels of astounding, but I'm only capable of getting the puns clearly on the surface level. Like the hailing cabs comment, which I loved. You nailed the typical senior silliness with your "shave & haircut" ditty. And last but not least, your Bethany reminded me of the 80-something guy my mom married & even well into his 90's, he would have his racy red skivvies draped over the shower curtain when I went to visit them! *smile*

[Woody]

the pleasure is entirely mine, I assure you. glad I helped brighten your morning :)
your fathe-in-law sounds like a bunch of fun :)
thank you Dear. sorry if the ending gave you trouble.

[Nusquam Esse]

I loved the pun about 'hailing taxis', what a crazy image you made with that one!
hah, the shave and a haircut bit? Whenever I hear it, I hear the spanish rendition to the same tune, "chinga tu madre, cabrón"
So the bus driver's name is Al, and he is singing along to "Gangsta Paradise"... was he doing a parody by chance? :P
It seems that Bethany's G-string had 'just the right amount' of Vibrato to put on a proper show... and really now, no love for the 'Bawls?' Ol' Al warned ya'll to hold onto those nuts... if everyone had followed his advice, maybe they wouldn't need to be yanked out by the bawls. Ummm... out of curiosity, what was the male to female ratio in this here bus? And what did Linda have to say about this?

[Woody]

Gee, I'm so happy you thought this was funny, Nusquam. many thanks, son (now that I saw what you look like, that's more appropriate, right?)

[Nusquam Esse]

hahahaha, really? Gonna go there? Maybe I just have the body of a son, and the mind of an elder-god from chthonic depths? :)

[Woody]

now that's probably the case, N. isn't there a cartoon about a genius trapped in the body of a little boy? do you feel trapped?

[Nusquam Esse]

If I said that I enjoyed being the body of a young boy... would that make me a pedophile? :P

[Woody]

hahaha I don't know. you tell me. are you? nah. you are fortunate to possess a body that refuses to age. like De caprio?

[Beccy]

Great fun Woody and really well written tale. As ever, the punchline is right up there.

Beccy.

[Woody]

thanks a lot Dear. I'm most appreciative. I'm pleased as Punch that you like it :)

[janeannerogers]

Great sense of humour and I love the way you speak directly to the reader. Is this part of a group of writing? It doesn't feel as if I have finished reading. Great fun though.

[Woody]

thank you so much Jane. glad you think it's funny. no it isn't part of a group writing.

[Frieda P]

Rollover Beethoven! Bethany's g-string alone was worth the read! :)

[Woody]

hahaha and your remark made me laugh.
you were not mocking the elderly, I hope.
thank you dear

[Frieda P]

Are you kidding me, the way time flies lately, my red g-string is right around the corner haha :)

[Woody]

hahaha I know I told you before but you are a riot (is that even an expression?)

[Frieda P]

Yep, it's an expression, my son just said it to me the other day, whilst rolling his eyes, payback is a b***h. :)

[Woody]

there you have it then!

[M.E.Lyle]

I hate it when people pull on my Beethovens. Yet another smile coming from my face. You never cease to produce a work of art. However, you said nobody got hurt. How about those poor souls who viewed 82 year old Bethany's G-string. One would think that would be a blinding experience.

[Woody]

hahaha blinding experience :)) as in struck blind?
thank you so much Mike. work of art? I'm humbled

[M.E.Lyle]

Yes, struck totally blind. It is I who thank you for giving me so much to work with. The world would be a much more terrible place without your humor in it.

[M.E.Lyle]

Woody, I completely missed the part about the Bawls. That was my mess up, not yours.

[Woody]

aah I'm glad. thanks again Mike :)

[Tom]

Ah yes indeed, nothing like a bus excursion and a fun filled day out for the senior citizens! Glad all's well that ended well and you escaped 'intact' as it were ! Lol...

I'm already looking forward to those heady days thanks Woody but a bit to go yet...I hasten to add!!

[Woody]

I was indeed glad I wasn't pulled out by the Bawls.
heady days haha. with all the creeking, the shaking denture, the rhumy eyes and failing hearing.
Bliss!!

[Samuel Dickens]

Oh, Woody, you're so silly. (and entertaining)

[Woody]

Thank you Sam. always a joy to have you visit. yes, I know I'm silly. my wife is tired of repeating "grow up". but a leopard can't change its spots, right?

[Samuel Dickens]

Right, and who'd want to? Silly is good.

[Craig2591]

The line 'Mr. and Mrs. Beethoven (turned out they were descendants of the famous Helmut Beethoven, the masseur)' was totally unexpected and therefore very funny. A cute story.

[Woody]

thanks a lot for the visit and the comment Craig. glad you liked it.

[Roderick Blakeman]

This is an entertaining little story. I feared the worse when Big Al lost control, but as the only injuries were suffered by the bus the smile returned. I can't help but wonder why Mr and Mrs Bawl have been besmirched as rescuers, did they live up to their name.
Love the line:
Mr. and Mrs. Beethoven (turned out they were descendants of the famous Helmut Beethoven, the masseur)

[Woody]

thanks a million Roderick. your review is much appreciated. yes the Bawls were "itching to lend a helping hand.

[Vidya Bacchus]

Lol...Sir Engluva you never cease to amaze me with your wit and humour.This was great as usual .Made me laugh hardest although I should not have when Betthany fell.I am sorry I must be a meanie deep down lol.Thanks for the laughs friend :)

[Woody]

haha thanx Vid. always happy to make you laugh. as for Bethany, serves her right. she's 82, for God's sake. she should've put on the black one!!

[Vidya Bacchus]

Haha would you behave .Perhaps it is not the colour that is the unbelievable thing lol.You are welcome it was so my pleasure :)

[Woody]

the whole point of the story was how I was rescued :)

[Vidya Bacchus]

I am sorry Betthany commanded all my attention lol