Doctor House

an unusual day at the Doctor's office.

Some days are bad and some are good. That’s life, right? Yesterday was a mixture of both, for me. It started off horribly then, within the hour brightened unexpectedly. Allow me to recount the events.

I pulled up in my usual space, in the parking lot, and turned off the engine. I kept my hands on the wheel to stop the tremor and waited for my jangling nerves to settle down. I breathed deeply. The images of my near- death experience still playing in my head, I clearly saw, behind my eyelids, the huge grill of the juggernaut. Much like the gaping mouth of the shark in “Jaws”, it filled my windscreen. My eyes snapped open. The bloody a..hole! (I don’t like to use swear words, even when there’s no one around. Good upbringing, you understand?) He nearly squashed me like a bug.

Goodbye, Doctor! See you in the afterlife! 

I shuddered and closed my eyes again. I breathed in and out, then grabbed my bag, opened the door of the Jag and swang my leg out. I shut the door and pressed the red button on the fob. “Twit-twit”, went the alarm. I noticed I was late so I jogged to the entrance and pushed through the revolving door.

Bethany was at her post, at the reception. Beautiful. Not a hair out of place. Immaculately dressed.

“Good morning, Doctor”, she chimed in.

“Mornin’ ”, I replied and my eyes lingered on her cleavage for a second, wondering, not for the first time, if it was not a b**b job. God, they looked achingly beautiful! It took a huge effort but I tore my eyes off and stuffed them into my pocket. No, wait! That belongs in another horror story I’m writing at the moment. Let me rephrase that. I tore my eyes off her.. well, beautiful rack and, wiping the drool with the back of my hand, strode towards my office. The waiting room was already full of sad faces. As usual, when the patients saw me arrive, their moans rose a notch or two. A baby coughed in its mother’s arms, an old man sniffled, a middle-aged woman rearranged her bosom which looked a little askew. Definitely not a b**b job. A 30-ish man was cradling his bandaged hand. The once-white bandage was almost entirely red. I took all this in, in the very short time it took me to reach my office. I hurried inside, took off my jacket, put on my white coat and draped my stethoscope round my neck. It made me look professional, just like Doctor House. I dropped in my swivel chair. Then, sighing (I was doing a lot of sighing this morning), I turned on the laptop and buzzed Bethany. She was there in a flash. God, was she standing behind the door?

“Yes, Doctor”, she sang.

God, that throaty voice!

“Usher the first one in, please.”

She looked puzzled. “Usher, Doctor?”

I rolled my eyes.

“Bring him in and go and Google “usher”.

“Yes, Doctor”.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. But what a rack! Damn it! Stop it already! Get a hold on yourself, you horny b*****d, I berated myself. I hate me when I berate myself like that. Who do I think I am?

A soft knock on the door and Bethany stepped in with her ra.. I mean with the bandaged guy in tow. I limped from behind my desk, just like Doctor House. Professional, remember? I stretched my hand to shake his then thought better of it when I saw that the injured hand was his right.

“Good morning”, I said, “please, take a seat”.

“Good morning, Doctor. Thank you”.

“So, what seems to be the problem?”

“I cut off my finger”, he told me.

“What?” I exclaimed. “The whole finger?”

“No, the one next to it”, he replies, matter-of-factly.

And that was when my day took a turn for the better. I laughed and laughed and laughed. I know, unprofessional but I just couldn’t help it. Bethany burst in, looking alarmed. Half a dozen patients crowded behind her, trying to look over her shoulder. I had to take the day off.

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

1)The wording here needs improvement. "The images of my near miss or near death experience still playing in my head. I could clearly see...." I suggest something like this: "The images of the near-death experience still playing in my head, I clearly saw, behind my eyelids, the huge grill of the juggernaut. Much like the shark in "Jaws", it filled my windshield."

2) In this sentence, I suggest you put a comma after "arrive" and delete the "and".-- "As usual, when the patients saw me arrive and their moans rose a notch or two."

You might give "Goodbye, Doctor! See you in the afterlife!" its own line and also put in italics.

A misspelled word here--" took off my jacked".

In the interest of limiting that dreaded passive word, "was", you might consider saying "an old man coughed, a baby sniffled", etc. I noticed several instances in which a similar change might be made.

I hope Bethany's b***s are real, and not "Goodyear's". As one who has seen enough doctors for two lifetimes, I hope I never run into that guy.

[Woody]

Thank you so much for your visit and constructive review, Samuel. I clearly should've proofread before clicking the save button. "Goodyear" made me laugh.

[M.E.Lyle]

I love your humor, and this story. It cracked me up. Oh, I'm still in one piece, thanks to some Super Glue. That stuff really works.
Ok, like Sam noted, a few mishaps here and there, but seeing as how you're from South Africa...you are aren't you? Anyway, translation must be difficult. Imagine what it might be like if I tried to translate one of my goofy stories into Spanish. I'd probably get arrested by the Spanish Policia.
Great story telling. You have a gift.

[Woody]

haha you ARE funny. thanks a lot for stopping by M.E. I'm glad you had some Super Glue handy. I don't wanna be accused of cracking people up. South Africa? is that where Tunisia is? :)
thank you very much for the compliment.

[M.E.Lyle]

Tunisia...isn't that just north of South Florida? Ha.. I knew you were from someplace. For some reason I thought you mentioned South Africa. Well, at least I was on the right continent.

[Woody]

hah. that, you are. well I don't expect you to know of Tunisia. it's in North Africa, next to Algeria and Morocco. it's the country where all the trouble began. does the Arab Spring ring any bells? google it, if it doesn't.
north of south Florida? I like that.

[M.E.Lyle]

I seem to recall something about Arab Spring, but I can't remember the details. I'll look it up. I found Tunisia in the Atlas. You have the Mediterranean Sea to look at.

[Claire in VA]

This story makes me laugh.
I can tell that you are full of personality.
I did feel, however, that the story
didn't seem quite finished.
For me, it ended a little too
abruptly.

~~~Claire

[Woody]

thanks for taking the trouble Claire. unfinished? mmm...!!

[Will Neill]

Woody, so far as all the errors I would take Sam's advice, he is the master at short/short stories such as yours.
I really enjoyed reading this and I must admit laughed out loud.I think you should consider comedy writing or sitcoms, much like friends. I think you have a talent for that genre.
Great work.
Will

[Woody]

thanks a lot Will. muchh appreciated. I thought I made a few changes but I'll go back to Sam's notes with a fine tooth comb.

[Nusquam Esse]

I was going to point out that this one is in need of a copy-edit, until I saw Samuel Dicken's post. He points out the stuff I already noticed, but I guess you have yet to go through and revise. I find it amusing that he is so caught up in 'proper upbringing' that he would censor himself from saying A*****e... yet he so shamelessly ogles her rack. The jokes about 'usher', or how he considers his conscience to be arrogant, and the way it describes the grill, they all amused me. Throw in the way that the doctor runs up to the door, but once he is in the clinic, he wants to imitate a certain douchey and witty television star... On top of Samuel's suggestions, I recommend you take the last sentence, and make it its own line. Thanks for sharing this quirky read.

[Roderick Blakeman]

Loved this, great humour and flows really well.

I read the other reviews as well, my mind boggles when people miss punchlines that seem so obvious to me. I am not sure whether it is a sheltered life or just that some people are fitted with a funny bone and others aren't.

[Woody]

thanks heaps, Roderick. is it too presumptuous of me to say that my type of humour is British, which makes it not quite obvious for other English speaking writers?

[Roderick Blakeman]

I am not sure what the British sense of humour is, but you are welcome to own a small bit of it.
read moreI am not sure what the British sense of humour is, but you are welcome to own a small bit of it.
I have recently watched the TV series Ally McBeal for the first time and laughed out loud at some point in nearly every episode. If it's funny, it's funny, wherever it originates from.

Keep up the great writing.

[Vidya Bacchus]

Firstly I love doctor house and secondly I loved your story.It was funny especially the end what an end ,I really should get my head out of the gutter lol

[Woody]

mmm.. the gutter's nice by me.
it's the patient who's got a dirty mind.
thanks for dropping in.

[Vidya Bacchus]

Still if my head wasn't in the gutter I would not know what the dirty minded patient meant lol.You are very welcome :)

[Woody]

I'm really really glad you got the pun. many haven't seen it.

[Vidya Bacchus]

I don't know how they didn't get that it was so obvious lol

[Woody]

does that mean great minds think alike?

[Vidya Bacchus]

Of course and I take that as a compliment Sir Engluva )

[Woody]

;) yes m'lady

[Vidya Bacchus]

lol...........:)

[Rachel]

Loved it. Not too short and very humorous :)

[Woody]

much appreciated Rachel. I'm glad you liked it :)

[Bright Ocean Star]

Woody, I don't get the attempt at humor in the end. The doctor asks if the patient cut off the whole finger, and the patient becomes a smart aleck and says...no the one next to it. That doesn't make a lick of sense to me, because the doctor's question is valid. Some people legitimately cut off just the tip, and call it the finger....so the patient's dry exaggeration fell flat with me...I was unimpressed and honestly didn't find any humor in that at all....I was left wondering, 'What did I miss?' Nice try, but maybe I'm just tired and didn't get it. The entire rest of the story was set up fairly well...but I didn't have any kind of reasonable explanation about his 'near death experience' What is the huge grill of the juggernaut? and you lost me with the fascination with the nurse's cleavage....as a woman, I found it offensive. It happens all the time, but it is offensive to women. We are more than just a rack....and it was difficult following the rest after that. sorry.

[Woody]

thank you very much, dear, for taking the time to read and for your honest review. throwing compliments to stroke the ego of the "writer" is hypocritical and will not make a better writer of the person. and you're not a hypocrite so thank again.
now, the ending was an attempt at humour with the play on word: whole/hole. I grant you it is rather naughty but I couldn't resist and I apologize if some might find it crude.
the patient was not being a smart Alec. he answers innocently, taking the question of the doctor for something different. the doctor finds the quid pro quo hilarious.
I am so terribly sorry if I hurt your feelings with the "rack" part. I swear I don't share my character's point of view. I tried to paint a despicable individual who's far from professional but thinks he is, mimicking a fictional character on TV.
Am I back in your good books?

[Bright Ocean Star]

yes...you are back in my good book. Always. but no more talk of racks. That is terrible!

[Great Aunt Astri]

Engluva, is this the end of the story? Or does it carry on in another chapter. I was just getting into it when it ended. I'll read another one.

[Woody]

oh is that the impression it gave you? oh, sugar! I ended it on that play on the word "whole" (naughty, I know). no, I didn't mean to write any more.

[Great Aunt Astri]

Ah! I see, now for a little old innocent great Aunt that escaped my notice. Now that you pointed it out I had a good laugh, just like your character!

[Woody]

aah I'm super glad. Yes I had fun drawing that quirky character.