Doctor House

an unusual day at the Doctor's office.

Some days are bad and some are good. That’s life, right? Yesterday was a mixture of both, for me. It started off horribly then, within the hour brightened unexpectedly. Allow me to recount the events.

I pulled up in my usual space, in the parking lot, and turned off the engine. I kept my hands on the wheel to stop the tremor and waited for my jangling nerves to settle down. I breathed deeply. The images of my near- death experience still playing in my head, I clearly saw, behind my eyelids, the huge grill of the juggernaut. Much like the gaping mouth of the shark in “Jaws”, it filled my windscreen. My eyes snapped open. The bloody a..hole! (I don’t like to use swear words, even when there’s no one around. Good upbringing, you understand?) He nearly squashed me like a bug.

Goodbye, Doctor! See you in the afterlife! 

I shuddered and closed my eyes again. I breathed in and out, then grabbed my bag, opened the door of the Jag and swang my leg out. I shut the door and pressed the red button on the fob. “Twit-twit”, went the alarm. I noticed I was late so I jogged to the entrance and pushed through the revolving door.

Bethany was at her post, at the reception. Beautiful. Not a hair out of place. Immaculately dressed.

“Good morning, Doctor”, she chimed in.

“Mornin’ ”, I replied and my eyes lingered on her cleavage for a second, wondering, not for the first time, if it was not a b**b job. God, they looked achingly beautiful! It took a huge effort but I tore my eyes off and stuffed them into my pocket. No, wait! That belongs in another horror story I’m writing at the moment. Let me rephrase that. I tore my eyes off her.. well, beautiful rack and, wiping the drool with the back of my hand, strode towards my office. The waiting room was already full of sad faces. As usual, when the patients saw me arrive, their moans rose a notch or two. A baby coughed in its mother’s arms, an old man sniffled, a middle-aged woman rearranged her bosom which looked a little askew. Definitely not a b**b job. A 30-ish man was cradling his bandaged hand. The once-white bandage was almost entirely red. I took all this in, in the very short time it took me to reach my office. I hurried inside, took off my jacket, put on my white coat and draped my stethoscope round my neck. It made me look professional, just like Doctor House. I dropped in my swivel chair. Then, sighing (I was doing a lot of sighing this morning), I turned on the laptop and buzzed Bethany. She was there in a flash. God, was she standing behind the door?

“Yes, Doctor”, she sang.

God, that throaty voice!

“Usher the first one in, please.”

She looked puzzled. “Usher, Doctor?”

I rolled my eyes.

“Bring him in and go and Google “usher”.

“Yes, Doctor”.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. But what a rack! Damn it! Stop it already! Get a hold on yourself, you horny b*****d, I berated myself. I hate me when I berate myself like that. Who do I think I am?

A soft knock on the door and Bethany stepped in with her ra.. I mean with the bandaged guy in tow. I limped from behind my desk, just like Doctor House. Professional, remember? I stretched my hand to shake his then thought better of it when I saw that the injured hand was his right.

“Good morning”, I said, “please, take a seat”.

“Good morning, Doctor. Thank you”.

“So, what seems to be the problem?”

“I cut off my finger”, he told me.

“What?” I exclaimed. “The whole finger?”

“No, the one next to it”, he replies, matter-of-factly.

And that was when my day took a turn for the better. I laughed and laughed and laughed. I know, unprofessional but I just couldn’t help it. Bethany burst in, looking alarmed. Half a dozen patients crowded behind her, trying to look over her shoulder. I had to take the day off.

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

1)The wording here needs improvement. "The images of my near miss or near death experience still playing in my head. I could clearly see...." I suggest something like this: "The images of the near-death experience still playing in my head, I clearly saw, behind my eyelids, the huge grill of the juggernaut. Much like the shark in "Jaws", it filled my windshield."

2) In this sentence, I suggest you put a comma after "arrive" and delete the "and".-- "As usual, when the patients saw me arrive and their moans rose a notch or two."

You might give "Goodbye, Doctor! See you in the afterlife!" its own line and also put in italics.

A misspelled word here--" took off my jacked".

In the interest of limiting that dreaded passive word, "was", you might consider saying "an old man coughed, a baby sniffled", etc. I noticed several instances in which a similar change might be made.

I hope Bethany's b***s are real, and not "Goodyear's". As one who has seen enough doctors for two lifetimes, I hope I never run into that guy.

[Woody]

Thank you so much for your visit and constructive review, Samuel. I clearly should've proofread before clicking the save button. "Goodyear" made me laugh.

[Taylor]

Don't know how but apparently I missed this one. Funny, funny. I think others have identified a few instances where wording might be adjusted, so I will refrain, trusting that you know what they are and when you feel like it, give this a once-over again. I really like the voice of the main character, his lecherous observations/internal dialogue (so now I know what men really think). I also enjoyed the comment that he was saving the business about "tearing his eyes off" for another story. Good job, Woody. Thanks for another day of amusement.

[Woody]

and many thanks to you, dear Taylor for reading and for your sweet review.
yes, I'm quite aware this needs a bit of tweeking. never got round to doing it. this is a relatively old one and I believe I've improved. even the punctuation's not top notch in this one.
I'm worried that I have unwittingly revealed too much about my inner thoughts.
so glad I helped brighten your day :)

[forgotten_ghosts]

Woody, you're a humorous genius! You saved me from a boring rainy day by leading me into the world of..b***s ? whole fingers ? Ok, doesn't matter.
Great story!

[Woody]

you are too kind FG. thanks a lot. I'm so glad to have brought a bit of sunshine to your rainy day. yes, what can I say? I'm a man.I love b***s :)

[barleygirl]

I'm afraid Bethany's b***s upstaged the patient's finger issues, for me! *smile* . . . But eventually I managed to see the light & get a handle on your parting twisted finger (I need another cup of coffee this morning). As always, your short ditty included many delightful side trips, revealing your fertile imagination. You do "b***s" so well, I challenge you to devote an entire story to them!

[Woody]

devote a story to them? hell, they deserve a whole novel. my fascination goes back to when I was a tiny baby, or so mum says. ok this is something else I need to mull over.
thanks heaps, Margie. for reading and for the kind words :)

[barleygirl]

Here's the big secret . . . b***s are equally entrancing to hetero women . . . they're just so freakin' irresistible to ponder, altho I've never pawed any . . .

[Woody]

no, dont, please! they're a man's toy. irrisistible? *sigh*

[barleygirl]

I think my problem is that I have 5 hugely busty older sisters . . . so as a much-younger youngest child, I looked up to my beautiful bouncing sisters & thought I'd be like them, one day. Didn't happen. The family joke is that mom ran out by the time she got to me! *smile*

[Woody]

you know what they say, size doesn't matter :))

[barleygirl]

"They" also say: champagne glass is perfection! *smile*

[Woody]

hah never heard this one before. this is what I believe. beauty comes in all forms and shapes.

[Davidgeo]

Quality... at this moment tonight I'm out of piss to go deeper. I'm shocked I actually read the whole thing to be quite honest.

I will read you again.

[Woody]

I was never notified of your review. I make it a point to comment on all reviews. even those that aren't very.. flattering.
so sorry I wasted your time with this one. but thanks for reading, anyway.

[Davidgeo]

You don't have to worry about that with me. I do not care.

[alifeacoustic]

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Nice one Woody, whole finger 

[Woody]

lol. first time I get a review that looks like a painting :) hahaha
thank you alife. so glad this made you laugh.

[Terpsichore]

So which finger did he lose, so much choice, hard to choose. :) Though art a rapscallion. T

[Woody]

haha I guess either the ring finger or the index finger. thank god for small mercies.
rapscallion? I have no control oveer my characters. sometimes I'm as surprised (shocked) as the reader at what they say or do :)
Thanks a lot T.

[Jimmy Yetts]

While the patient will now be unable to "flip the bird," he could, perhaps, manage to train another finger for the delicate (and slippery) work of micro-spelunking the female biology.
Fun tale, Woodman!

[Woody]

hahaha flip the bird!!! damn I should've thought of that. spelunking indeed :)))
thanks mate. glad you enjoyed

[Valentine]

After reading this one, I may have to take the day off. Can anyone die from chuckling? Valentine

[Woody]

oh Kathie, I'm so humbled and appreciative :)) no my stories are not lethal. no reader has died so far.

[Valentine]

How can you be sure?

[Woody]

truth is I know how to cover my tracks. I leave no evidence :)

[Valentine]

Oh, a sneaky person as well as a non lethal story teller. Do you carry a long handled brush with you? Kathie

[Woody]

I always wear surgical gloves when I type :)

[Valentine]

Oh, I thought you used a brush to sweep away those sneaky looking tracks.

[Woody]

I know what you're trying to do. I won't talk until my lawyer's here.

[Valentine]

Mine is the one advising me. Kathie

[Tom]

Ah great craic Woody and given my sad situation yesterday....Just what the Doctor ordered ( pun intended )

[Woody]

aaah I'm so glad I helped brighten your mood. I like your pun :)
thanks Tommy.

[wordman]

I loved the story woody,it was interesting my friend

[Woody]

thank you very much wordman.

[wordman]

it was my pleasure woody