The little girl and the wolf

the real, uncensored story of the little girl and the wolf

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who lived with her mother in a tiny little cottage. The cottage was at the edge of a village, which was at the edge of a forest. Her name was Amanda but everybody called her Little Blue Riding Dress, on account of the lovely frilly dress she was often seen in. 

Her father, named Sam Thingarotha, had died two years before she was born. He had fallen off a tree and broke his watch. While he was going to the shop to repair it, he was run over by the milkman’s horse-drawn cart. The watch was beyond repair. Lucky for Sam, his wife had another watch which she gave to him on his 34^th birthday. Later, that same year, he died peacefully in his sleep.

One day, on returning from school, the little girl found her mother decorating a chocolate cake.

“Oh, Mum!! Yummy!” squealed the girl with delight.

“Sorry, honey, this is for Granny”, said the mother, licking chocolate off her finger. “I’ll make you another one when you come back, I promise. Now, go change”.

Crestfallen, the girl went to her room and put on her blue dress. A knock was heard on the entrance door and Betty ran and opened it.

“MUUUUM”, she yelled, “the milkman’s here, will you pay him or shall I go out and play?”

Her mother came out of the kitchen, drying her hand on a towel.

“I’ll take care of that, honey, now you run along”.

She put the cake in a basket and cautioned her daughter:

“Now, remember darling, don’t waste time and don’t talk to the animals in the forest. Certainly not the wolf. He’s a sneaky creature and I don’t trust him one bit”.

“I know, Mum”, responded the girl, “how many times do you have to tell me that?”

“I’m sorry, Sugar, but I always worry whenever you cross that forest”.

“Mummy, it’s only a forest”, protested the girl, “and I’m almost 9”.

“Off with you!”, said the mother impatiently before she turned to the milkman. She gave him her best come-hither smile.

And off went the little girl, skipping as only little girls knew how. As Soon as she arrived at the forest, the birds greeted her and the butterflies flitted around her head and alighted on her shoulders. All the animals of the forest loved her as she was nice to them. Badgers, squirrels, skunks and even snakes liked to talk to her and play with her. Someone whistle and she turned around. A wolf was leaning against the trunk of a pine tree, filing his nails, a cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth.

“So, where’s the cute little girl going, then?” he said with a lopsided grin.

“what’s it to you?” retorted the girl.

“Oh, come now, I asked you nicely. I’m only trying to make conversation”, he said, feigning to be hurt.

“I’m taking a cake to Grandma”, she replied and carried on walking.

“And where does your Grandma live, might one ask?” he said, trailing her.

“By the big sequoia, near the old water tower”, she answered without looking at him.

Seeming to suddenly lose interest, the wolf told her:

“Well have fun with Grandma” and slunk away. He knew the forest inside out, so he took a short cut, crossed a brook and ran all the way to the old lady’s cottage. Wolves can run fast when they are in a hurry.

The encounter with the wolf messed up the girl’s mood. She lost interest in the games with the animals and hurried to her Grandma’s. When she arrived, she saw that the door stood ajar, so she pushed it with her pudgy little fingers and, stepping inside, she called out:

“Granny! It’s me. I brought you a ca..”

In her Grandma’s bed, a wolf was sitting in a night gown, thick glasses perched on his nose and a night cap on his head.

Now even in a nightgown and a cap, a wolf does not look anymore like your grandmother than Simba looks like Beyonce.

In a flash, the girl dipped her hand in her pocket and whipped out a Smith & Wesson 2213, which she pointed at the head of the interloper with a steady hand. The wolf’s jaw sagged and his fangs didn’t look threatening anymore..

“Heeey”, he said, alarmed, “that’s not how the story goes! You’re supposed to ask m..”

“Yeah, I’ve read the story, too, Moron”, she answered and shot him between the eyes. When the noise of the detonation died down, she heard muffled sounds coming from the closet. She ran and jerked the door open. She found her grandma on the floor, hogtied and gagged. She was only wearing a beige brassiere. The girl untied her, dressed her and took her to the kitchen. She made some tea, cut the cake and they sat there eating the cake, sipping the tea and talking. The kitchen window was open and the breeze carried their laughter well into the forest.

“Come on, Cutie-Pie”, said the old lady after a moment, “let’s get that thing outa my bed”.

Amanda took hold of the hind legs and her grandma grabbed the forepaws and they half carried, half dragged the dead beast out. They went ONE, TWO, THREE! And dumped him on top of the sixteen dead wolves rotting in the backyard.

Little Blue Riding Dress returned home and recounted the events of her day to her mother. Just an ordinary day. And they lived happily ever after.

Moral of the story: It’s not so easy to fool little girls, nowadays.

Reviews

[Jacob Clifford]

This was gold, from start to finish. The "father" (something or other, yes? :D), and his hilarious, elongated death. The mother and her milkman shenanigans. And I did a spit take when the little girl whipped out her gun. And then the pile of wolf corpses and that final line... Brilliant.

[Woody]

thanks heaps Cliff for such a generous review. I'm mighty happy you liked it. the name? spot on!
read morethanks heaps Cliff for such a generous review. I'm mighty happy you liked it. the name? spot on!
I had fun writing it and was hoping it 'd please the readers. thanks again.

[Jacob Clifford]

Was that it for the review, or did the Cafe cut off the end? I know sometimes when there's a "read more" at the bottom of the review, it just got eaten by the website.

[Woody]

yes Cliff the site does that sometimes, unfortunately. I think I said something like: I had fun writing it and hoped readers will equally enjoy it.

[Stan Lee]

:D laughing out loud again! The "father" was classic, just his name made me start laughing. The characters were brilliantly drawn. I especially liked the wolf, I think I've met wolves like him before. Sadly I didn't have a gun at the time. I wonder how many wolves will be piled up behind grandmas house before one finally reads this version of the story. :)
Always hilarious, always amazing. Don't know how you do it Woody, but keep doing it please!

[Woody]

just getting the name of the father made my morning :))))) nobody else has.
thanks a ton, Andronicus. I'm overjoyed you had fun reading this.

[busterlee]

The dad paragraph was great. He died two years before she was born. That's a neat trick. I had to read the rest of the paragraph three times while scratching my head. He kept missing opportunities to die. I'm not sure he ever did. Very funny.

[Woody]

I had fun prolonging the agony of the dad :)
thank you very much for stopping to read, busterlee. glad you found it funny.

[Norman 223]

Tut,tut, Woody. Another childhood fantasy destroyed. I spent the best part of 85 years mourning poor granny, and you now reveal that she was a kinky bondage freak and her grand daughter was nothing more than a trigger happy potential Annie Oakley.
Thanks for bringing me into the Age of Enlightenment (TOGETHER WITH A GOOD BELLY LAUGH)

Keep 'em coming pal.

Norm.

[Woody]

haha your review is funnier than the story, Norm. thank you very much. but wait! isn't that the pot and the kettle thing? your take on the fairy tail was not exactly flattering, was it?
so glad this made you laugh.

[LastMonth]

Dude.
You're amazing.
This is a masterpiece.

Your best one so far, from what I've seen.
It's just freaking hilarious.
The way you wrote that bit about how that father died had me doubling over and laughing. You've taken the art of comical storytelling and perfected it, I'm geniunely not sure you can get much better with this platform.

As always with recent reviews I'm going to harass you and push you to try to utilize that talent.

[Woody]

thank you so much, Matan. awfully nice words. I'm pleased as Punch that you liked this one, too.
read morethank you so much, Matan. awfully nice words. I'm pleased as Punch that you liked this one, too.
listen I think I finally settled for Amazon. I've contacted them and will be submitting soon. how's that? :)

[Shabeeh Haider]

Woody, now you are messing up with our childhood fairytales.
The part of the dad dying is really hilarious. And the part of the milkman and Amanda's mother has a deeper ring to it.
Sixteen dead wolves..... hahahha
Another wonderful read.

[Woody]

many thanks Haider. your childhood fairy tale was a big lie. this is the honest-to-God true version :)
what a blessing it is to know my story made you laugh.

[barleygirl]

You are beyond hilarious in this sacrilegious spoof! How dare you desecrate this lovely childhood tale? Your humor goes so far beyond the actual storyline . . . such as her dad dying 2 years before she was born . . . & then in that same paragraph, rattling on, leading us to believe all this nonsense had anything to do with his death! *smile* My favorite part is finding out the little girl's packing heat, which ties in nicely with the moral of the story at the end. I also really loved the hilarious reference to all the wolves piled up out back

She's Amanda at the beginning & Betty at the end . . . intentional?

The part about the little girl leaving the house was muddled & confusing . . . was she going out to play or what? It doesn't become clear until later, when we realize she's bringing the cake to grandma. Otherwise, your story is easy to follow & beckoning us to keep going.

[Woody]

thank you very much for a thoughtful review. I'm overjoyed you found it funny.
I thought I'd fixed that glitch of the name. will see to it shortly.
I went back to check the "muddled" part. [put the cake in a basket and cautioned her.... and off she goes] how do you suggest I make it clear?
I enjoyed toying with the father's demise. thoughts about his name? unclear?
thanks again, farmgirl :)

[barleygirl]

I didn't get the meaning or humor behind the father's name . . .

This phrase: "or shall I go out and play?"
could be changed to "or shall I go run your errand?" then it would become more clear when the mom puts the cake in the basket.

[Woody]

touche! slipped my mind. though I can explain it. itt was to hint that every time the milkman comes round, her mum says: go out and play. so, the girl knows the drill. but you're right. I'll have to fix that.
oh I couldn't think of a name for the father so I said: named Something or other. silly?

[barleygirl]

I get the dad's name now . . . the old milkman reference comes thru loud & clear (& funny!)

[...]

laughing....is this PG-13?? hahahaha I love your clever and witty stories, Woody :) You're adorable...always make me smile, my friend :-)

[Woody]

right back atcha (the adorable part). thank you so much Dear. my heart doubled in size at the thought of making you smile :)

[...]

You're a sweet man, Woody :)

[Jimmy Yetts]

Why "Little Red 'Riding' Hood' or "Little Blue 'Riding' Dress?"--what the hell does "riding" have to do with it? Now, the kid's old lady, she does some riding!
While I truly enjoyed your story, Woody, I am a little concerned the 9-year-old gun moll might not always get to her Grandmother's house in time to save down-to-her-brassiere Granny. Hunger--or something else--could overtake that wolf.
Your story, Woodmaker--that's entertainment!

[Woody]

particularly something else. I hear wolves are attracted to decrepit old ladies.
I've always wondered about the "riding" bit myself. mystery!
as for the little moll wielding a Smith & Wesson, what can I say? little girls don't play with dolls anymore.
thank you so much Frankie. I'm glad you were entertained. that was my objective.

[Moonie]

Hehe, was just wondering, how did the father die "two" years before her birth?? Then was the lovely milkman the real father??? Love the death's cause, and here we were hoping for some gruesome end for Sam. I feel the ending and the moral were better than the real ones.

The " even in a nightgiwn and cap, a wolf doesn't look anymore like your grandmother than Simba looks like Beyonce" was the best part according to me.

Ps, woody, you called Amanda Betty when she opened the door.

[Woody]

the uncensored version. I owe it to my readers :)
I confess I enjoyed writing this crazy story.
think the girl takes after the milkman? never crossed my mind.
I gave the girl two names? silly slip-up. I never got round to editing it.
thanks heaps Moon. as always, such a pleasure to see you enjoy my stories.

[Moonie]

Lol, I reckon they should read your stories to people who are not well to cheer them up. It can get really dreary in hospitals... this would cheer them up more than flowers. :))

[Woody]

:)) I'd be a happy man if my stories could make unwell people happy.
thank you Dear.