Dewy gets married

A guy is getting married. No big deal.

At long last! They’re finally alone in their wedding suite. Everything went according to plan. Just like clockwork, the way Dewy likes it; the way he used to manage his clock factory before he retired.

The church service was a happy, though quiet, event. Family and friends. Well, the ones still alive. Not surprisingly as Dewy is now 83 years old, so at least some of his acquaintances have already shuffled their mortal coils.

“Dewy Rebawls, do you take this woman to be thy wedded wife, to cherish and to love till death do you part?”

Dewy swallowed the lump that threatened to take residence in his throat and said: “I do.”

“Nancy Lee Broad, do you take this man to be Thy wedded husband, to cherish and to love till death do you part?”

Nancy didn’t answer immediately and Dewy’s heart did a somersault.

“Please, do not back up now”, he implored in his head.

“I do”, replied Nancy with a flutter of her luscious black eyelashes.

Yes, the service went quite well. The walk down the aisle, the petals and rice throwing, the cute little girls holding the bridal veil. Even the priest’s sermon was refreshing, if a tad unusual.

“Dearly beloved”, he kicked off, “Marriage is an honorable estate. And it is not to be taken lightly and wantonly to satisfy man’s carnal lust. Although that’s a pretty good reason…”

Later, everybody filed out of the church, jumped in their cars, well, a manner of speaking, hobbled, more like, and headed for the reception that would be held in Bart’s garden. A local band was going at it full throttle. Dewy had wanted to bring Michael Jackson but his friends explained that Michael was probably doing the moonwalk with the saints up there. To cut a long story short, everybody got drunk and ate like pigs. The only fly in the ointment was when old Ms Ruth Lesspuss insisted on skinny-dipping in the empty swimming pool, after drinking fifteen glasses of sangria.

Now, Dewy is looking at his bride adoringly. He’s sitting in bed, in his underwear, ready for action. His wife is sitting in front of the mirror, wiping off her makeup. She’s taking her sweet time, prolonging the agony. She delicately removes her false lashes. She takes her denture and puts it in a glass of water. Then off with her contact lenses and her beautiful wig. “Oh Lord!” thinks Dewy. Truth be told, she’s not completely bald, so let’s not dramatize.

With as much calm as he could muster, Dewy tells her:

“Honey, when you get to the part I’m interested in, would you please toss it over here?”

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I love the image of ole ruthless puss dancing naked in the dry pool! And your punchline is hilarious. You used the perfect leisurely pace in getting to the "goods"! This scenario doesn't need to be limited to old folks, tho . . . these days, so many young women make themselves up using completely fake parts!

[Woody]

you're right, B. surgery seems to be the normal thing these days. actresses, singers... fake b***s, fake lips...
though I feel sad for them, knowing they need to stave off the ravages of old age for as long as they can, I also think it's a shame. we can grow old with dignity and shouldn't be ashamed of what we become. haha I'm glad you got the Ruth. but I'm afraid I overdid it here. Dewy and Nancy have silly names too :(
here's an armful of thanks ( ) for digging this old one up.

[barleygirl]

OK, you've pressed me into this confession . . . I couldn't quite get Dewy's full name ('ri" is what's drawing a blank for me) . . . and I didn't get Nancy's name at all!

[Woody]

I confess I do get a kick out of baffling the reader. sometimes :)
Nancy Lee Broad/ Nan silly broad
mmm the "ri" might've been a mistake. I should've spelt it "re". Dew weary balls :(((((

[barleygirl]

Sorry, I refuse to give up the image of dewy balls in my mind . . . *heh! heh! heh!*

[Woody]

understandable really. he's 83, right? not that I've seen any, mind.

[barleygirl]

Oh crap . . . I forgot the age . . . you just HAD to crush my fantasy for today, huh? *smile*

[Woody]

listen I've just had an image in my mind. you familiar with the toy called Clackers or clankers or maybe Ker-bangers? when I get old (many years from now) I won't throw them away. I'll use them as clackers and play with them when I'm not writing silly things here.

[barleygirl]

I think there might be a poem in the image you just painted! *heh! heh! heh!*

[Woody]

haha care to take a quick peek at Free at Last? very short.

[Frieda P]

Scooby doo waffles! You're a nutter, love the names you come up with, they slay me...nice wedding vows too! Thanks for the chuckles Woody... ;)

[Woody]

Gosh 'm glad you saw through the seemingly-innocent names :)
chuckle away. I love the sound.

[Frieda P]

Innocent my you know what. ;) You'd think by 83 one would know better....

[Matching Socks]

Lol!! I am so glad I came to visit you today Woody.
I've had a real bummer of a day and needed a good pick me up!! :)

[Woody]

thanks a million Dear Ana. as always, I'm happy to be the one to brighten your day :)

sorry for the late reply. had a ton of work. I'mseriously thinking of resigning, to stay with you guys.

[Matching Socks]

Lol. :)
I know the feeling for sure.

[AprilRN1210]

oh my gawd..... that is hilarious.... I was giggling at the sangria, but the ending is a killer... you always make me giggle, but this time you got a hearty laugh... wheeeew, this is good stuff here Woody... I loved this.....

[Woody]

oh my, April you flatter me and I'm so glad I made my favourite nurse laugh.
thanks heaps Dear :)

[AprilRN1210]

always a pleasure Woody... you are more than welcome sir... still giggling... :D

[Beccy]

I do sometimes write stories Woody, in fact I've just posted one. But they are always shorts as I don't have the stamina or the inclination for a novel, which is at least as important as the ability to do such. It's just that I so love poetry it's what I mostly do.

I like your stories, they are always such fun to read.

[Woody]

ok. good to know. I'll check that one out. I thought you've only written two.
glad you like my stories Beccy

[Beccy]

'over where?' asked Dewy's wife 'over here said Dewy, 'better you come over here' said his wife, 'what with my artificial hands I have real problems tossing anything nowadays,' at which point Dewy decided to go for an annulment.

You really are a scamp. ;-)

Beccy.

[Woody]

lol
damn! why haven't I thought of that? I love your sense of humour.
Beccy why don't you write stories? the two I've read knocked me off my feet. you are soooo good.

[Kayja Symphious]

When I need a day brightener I come to you Woody, (that sounds dirty for some reason) and you never disappoint! I love this story.

Thanks for another great read.

[Woody]

hahaha no that didn't sound dirty at all. (I'm tempted to say: come to me, Baby)
I'm so so happy I can brighten your day Kayja.
thank you for gracing me with your visit :)

[VALORMORE DE PLUME]

A mushroom went into a bar and asked the barkeep for a beer. Barkeep said,"We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom asked, "Why not? It's happy hour, and I'm a fungi."

[Woody]

haha he's a fungi, indeed. good one. never heard this one before.
hey nice to see you again Val.

[VALORMORE DE PLUME]

You gave me a laugh so I gave one in return.

[Woody]

I like a man who pays his dues :)

[M.E.Lyle]

Hilariously funny, and sadly, probably more true than not true.
And speaking of Michael Jackson, if God had a real sense of humor, he would have sent to the Moon rather than to one of those other two places. Then Michael could truly do the Moon Walk. Only joking, don't want to offend anybody.

[Woody]

haha thank you Mike. I like the moonwalk idea. after all the practice he's done on earth, it makes sense that's where he should end up.

[M.E.Lyle]

Yep, I can picture it now.

[roarke]

hmm.... I'll have more sangria please.... you are like one of those outdoor painters in France, capturing a scene, adding pallet knife strokes, admiring the light..... in other words, quite a character. Ya grow on folks.

[Woody]

seeing the state Ol' Ms Ruth is in, the sangria might be spiked. nice to see you back Roark.
that's a nice comparison you've made. French painter, I dig that.
thanks for reading, Sir.