Children of a lesser God

Something not so funny, for a change!

The pup is in a cage, it's lying on the floor

Shivering and whimpering, looking at the door

Its muzzle ‘tween its paws, the picture of distress

The woman’s eyes are brimming, she’s wringing her red dress

 

Clearly devastated, says to her companion

I can’t believe my eyes; just look at him my darlin’

How can one be so cruel? I’m really lost for words

Let’s take him home and give him the love that he deserves

 

The kitten’s in the gutter, shiv'ring from the wind

It’s obvious that it’s hungry for it can barely stand

It raised its head and meowed; it's pleading with its eyes

The man gently picked it up, held it like a prize

 

Let’s take you home my buddy. I’ll give you a hot bath

Let’s fill that little tummy and sit you by the hearth

I’ll give you all the love you need; God has ordered so

Let’s take you home and give you a place where you can grow

 

The poodle is all pampered, its nails so caref'lly done

Sitting on its owner’s lap just basking in the sun

Its birthday cake is ready; it’s sitting on the floor

The guests are happ’ly singing, the presents are galore

Kids playing with dirt, in a par'llel universe

Bombs are raining all around; death hangs like a curse

Clothes are tattered, feet are bare as they play hide and seek

Their hollow cheeks are grimy; they hardly ever speak

 

The blue-eyed girl is watching, a crust of bread in hand

A smile plays on her sweet lips; she’d like to join the band

Her momma calls her name; she’d better come inside

The sound of planes approaching; it’s dangerous outside

 

All you see around the camp are just despairing eyes

Grownups are disheartened to hear the plaintive cries

They tend to snap: “stop whining, don't be a little brat.

Who on earth d' you think you are? A pampered tiny cat?”

 

Reviews

[Lost, n'MT]

A powerful piece. Two of my favorite verses;

"Let’s take you home my buddy. I’ll give you a hot bath
Let’s fill that little tummy and sit you by the hearth
I’ll give you all the love you need; God has ordered so
Let’s take you home and give you a place where you can grow"

Very warm and touching, I greatly enjoyed how both worded and expressed this verse.

And then the power of;

"Kids playing with dirt, in a par'llel universe
Bombs are raining all around; death hangs like a curse
Clothes are tattered, feet are bare as they play hide and seek
Their hollow cheeks are grimy; they hardly ever speak"

is very powerful as it leads into the final two verses. The message of this piece speaks volume, but I feel it can be interpreted in multiple ways. I am intrigued by what I perceive to be your unique writing style, to putting your own twist one words. For instance; 'tween, shiv'ring, par'llel, d' you, etc.". I am not sure if there's a description for this, but I like it and feel it adds more to the piece. I also enjoy your rhyming style as it's subtle enough to where the rhyme complements the piece without diverting attention from the powerful message of the piece. I think was all well executed.

Also, while this isn't the particular type of piece I had in mind when I was thinking more a serious tone, I feel there can be a happy medium to where you perhaps even try "meshing" together your humorous tone with a serious tone, similar to what you had done in a "Deal With The Devil". While I find it very clever from a writing and reading perspective, I feel it also takes the reader on a roller-coaster of emotions without knowing what to expect next.

While I do love endings with a clever twist like in "Deal With the Devil", I think you could be very talented a poetry while including your own unique brand of writing. Best of luck on any new writings you pursue, I will be looking forward to reading much more.

[Woody]

thanks loads for such a thorough review, M. your glowing praise is much appreciated. but so that you do not raise your hopes too high, I must reiterate that these moments of "seriousness" are rare as I enjoy writing funny stories much more often.

[Lost, n'MT]

You're very welcome, Woody.
And yes, I am aware, and I look forward reading your funny stories.
No worries about expectations as every new piece I read from you and fellow writers is a new adventure. I cannot comment on them all, but I try to when I feel I want/need to share.

Looking forward to the funny stories and future laughs to come. : )

[barleygirl]

WOW! Very powerful message, the way the pampered pets are juxtaposed against the suffering children. In either case, it does seem to be an unending gaping hole of need in our world, with so many slipping thru the cracks, never being rescued or loved. I like the way you've drawn us these word pictures, but not spelling out the lesson or meaning . . . leaving it open-ended, so each gentle reader can see what stands out for him/her in these harshly-contrasting scenes from the story of life.

[Woody]

thanks a lot, Magic Margie. it was one of those rare moments but I'm glad you found it interesting. yeah humanity is in dire strait, as I see it.

[...]

I would feed a cat, a dog, or a child. Kindness is kindness and heart is heart. Love is all of these...a respect and compassion of life. My dog is kinder than most people. The loss of innocence hurts so much. Gut wrenching, Woody...

[Woody]

hey Lynn, I'm an unconditional lover of animals. it breaks my heart to see stray cats in the street and makes me wish I can take them all home. that's God's truth. I had the idea for this poem when I saw pictures of small kids (Syrians, Palestinians, Africans...), skinny, bloated bellies, pleading eyes.
thanks a lot for stopping to read, Lynn.
think I'd better go back to clowning?

[...]

Woody, you put so much heart into whatever you write, whether it's to make you laugh or make a very important and heartfelt statement. Whatever you feel like sharing, I feel like reading :) And you are right...I wish I could save them all. I would surely feed them if I could

[jacob erin-cilberto]

this was even better the second time around...the way the world is...i think someone needs to adopt and save our society....we seem to be lost in some desolate alleyway.

[Woody]

gosh thank you very much for digging this old one up jacob. you're absolutely right. you only have to watch the evening news to realise humanity's in deep s**t, if you'll pardon my French.
can you honestly see a bright future ahead? I sure can't.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

sometimes we care more about the abuse animals get than what our children endure..

very sad and emotional write.

[Woody]

yes a sad sad world we live in! animals are sweet and defenseless but perhaps it's a matter of priority.
thank you very much jacob. this is a one off. don't know where it sprang up from.

[NoelHC]

I read this poem, and related well to it. I am like you, those poetry terms I recall from school, but they never stuck with me either.
Whether or not the work scans properly, it is heartfelt and sincere and shows your compassion for the human condition.
Well done.

[Woody]

don't get me wrong Noel, I love animals and wish I could rescue every little kitten or pup I find in the gutter if only my wife will let me. (women!)
it also breaks my heart when I see little children in Africa, Syria, Irak.. (take your pick) thin as rakes looking uncomprehendingly at the camera.. who will rescue them?
thank you so much for stopping by. glad you liked this one.

[Valentine]

Every one agrees with Frank. I read his review and did not know that professional writers were also on this site. I thought it was for all want to be writers so they can start growing themselves with their writing. Frank needs to start teaching us at the first grade level. Not the last year of college. Valentine

[Woody]

well let's be greatful that they live among us (sounds like aliens!) we can learn so much from them. truth is, I don't want to be Wordsworth or Walt whitman. when I grow up, I want to be like Woody Allen or Mel Brooks.

[Valentine]

I agree, I write for release not for fortune or fame. I am happy just to be me. Kathie

[Einstein Noodle]

hi Woody! ..have to agree with Frank .. for me .. lots of very good stuff here .. but a focus and form might do you well in your expressions .. going to have to go to history of all that went down for you in Tunisia ... not sure who is who !??? .... i am fairly well ignorant of lots of N. ern Africa's plights .. but i will try :)
E.

[Woody]

thank you so much Einstein for digging this old one up. I won't repeat what I told Frank. suffice it to say, poetry's not my forte. I dabble in it and try to learn from you, bards of the Cafe.
I'm not surprised you don't know much about Tunisia. it's a small country on the other side of the planet. plenty of Americans had never heard of it before the "Arab Spring". a damn joke if you ask me. but things are happening. we're trying to build our democracy. that is if the bloody Islamists will let us.

[Einstein Noodle]

flames of radical Islamist terrorism are everywhere it seems .. my prayers are with you all who fight for freedom and equality .. and peaceful, lawful living .. peace, love and flowers brother!
E.

[Woody]

thanks E. watching the evening news with nothing but doom and gloom, I wonder if this is not WW III after all albeit of a different kind.

[Levi Levin]

Woody, what makes a poets work popular is their originality. There is no clear-cut, one-for-all way. Your work is original and it makes sense with me. I think you did a great job, keep up the good work--Levi

[Woody]

thank you so much Levi. awfully kind of you. I certainly need people like Frank to point out the technical intricacies and people like you to boost my confidence. I'm so glad you liked this one.

[Frank]

I read this with interest Woody, you say in your profile that this is your only serious work. Many of the lines are iambic, but your syllable count varies dramatically at times. Reading aloud in places the flow is excellent but erratic throughout the poem the rhyme scheme is constant throughout the poem.

The first line:
/the PUP/is IN/a CAGE/it's LY/ing on/ the FLOOR
/iambic/iambic/iambic/iamb/phyrric/ iambic/ this is iambic line, quite acceptable in my view. Some say the phyrric must be followed by a spondee, but I find this line reads well, nothing wrong with it. This a typical Alexandrine line, 12 syllable count and should then continue throughout the poem, with some variations maybe headless iambics, spondees and so on.

Line 2:
Shivering and whimpering and looking at the door [thirteen syllables here, get rid of one, but its not too serious, a poem doesn't have to be that strict if the flow is good and reads well]]

Shivering and whimpering and looking at the door [suggestion]
/SHIV er/ ing and/ WHIM per/ing LOOK/in at/ the DOOR/
/trochee/phyrric/trochee/iambic/phyrric/iambic/

So now you have an acceptable in iambic meter. Spondees break up the rather dull presentation of poem that are all iambics. You have also returned to the proper Alexandrine style line with twelve syllables.

I won't go through the rest of the poem if you don't mind it does take an enormous lot of time, but I think you get my gist. You can spot the difficulties of your lines by simply reading aloud, where the tongue stumbles and make you slow down may be one spondee too many. Generally there should be or iambics in a line than spondees.

Line 5 is problematic:
Clearly devastated, she says to her companion [13 syllables]
/CLEAR ly/ DEV as/TATE ed/ she says, to her/ COMP an/ION
/trochee/trochee/trochee/phyrric/phyrric/trochee/ feminine ending

It doesn't read well and is almost entirely trochee, lines like this need attention as they spoil the flow of your very good poem.

Your command of grammar, vocabulary, and spelling along with English usage shows you to be a mother tongue English speaker, no matter where you live. You are a natural at writing poetry and should develop it in my opinion, away from humorous work, that you love, and into more serious work. You certainly have much to say and I enjoy your writing..just a suggestion. Well done

[Woody]

thank you ever so much, Frank, for such a thorough review.
I did poetry when I was at University and all the terms you mentioned (iambic, phyrric, trochee....) ring a faint bell. I only wish I'd paid more attention. back then, I was more interested in prose though I liked to read poetry (we even did Shakespear). would you believe I even was Oedipus in a play we put on then?
I'll definitely give it another go.
thanks again Frank. Cheers

[Frank]

Are you British Woody? an expatriate in Tunisia?

[Woody]

haha no Frank though i often joke and tell my friends that I was an English farmer or Lord (depends on the moment) in a previous life. I kinda like the idea of reincarnation.
no I'm Tunisian born and bred. (North Africa). Arabic is my mother tongue, french is the second language and English the third. but I've always loved English. and Rowan Atkinson among others :)

[Frank]

Wow, I am so impressed, you write poetry in your 3rd language, so you went through the Algerian/French war and survived, amazing. I worked in a former British colony for three years but found there was still friction left over from the former colonisation time, not with all people but with a lot, so it wasn't like home. Then I returned to Wales to settle down.

[Woody]

lol I'm not young but not that old either. I was not yet born when the war ended. and Tunisia and Algeria are two neighbouring countries.
I don't think there's anymore animosity between The Tunisians and the French. a lot of French people live here and seem to like it and French tourists keep coming back.
plenty of British people come, but I don't remember ever meeting a Welshman! only English and Scots and Irish.

[Woody]

btw, perhaps you were misled by "Woody". that's only a nickname as I used to look like Woody Allen, apparently. real name's Waheed :)

[Frank]

OK Waheed, sorry I confused Tunisia with Algeria.

[Woody]

no problemo Frank. they're sister countries and they both fought against the French colonisers. Tunisia got its independence in 1955, year of my birth.

[Frank]

wow! so Old. grin.

[Woody]

people tell me I don't look my age :) but mum's the word!