Talking dog

A true story about the only known talking dog in the world.

Bob was very hungry. “God, I’m hungry”, he thought. (There! What did I tell you?) So he decided to try his luck with the local restaurant. He whistled for his dog and trudged along the pavement, head bowed and eyes glued to the ground. Life hadn’t been fair to him lately. He’d lost his first job as a gift wrapper in a gift shop, then couldn’t sell a single song when he turned rapper. To top it all, his wife had run away with a tattooed biker. Not that I have anything against tattooed bikers. They can be the salt of the earth. I know. I’m married to one. She’s brimming with joy, laughing all the time. We’d often go for a ride in the countryside and you can tell she’s been laughing from the dead insects sticking between her teeth. Oh, God, there I go rambling away about my personal life while you’re waiting for the rest of the story.

When Bob got to the restaurant, he found the head waiter standing at the door, smoking a cigarette. The man eyed Bob and his dog with undisguised distaste. He barked (the waiter, not the dog)

“whadda ya want?”

“Errr.. could I have a sandwich, please?”

“You pay first or be tit”

“Tit?”

“I meant beat it”

“If I showed you something unique, could I have a free sandwich?”

“You gotta be kiddin’ me”

“No, I promise. Watch. My dog, here, is a speaking dog, you see.”

Then he turned to the mongrel and said:

“Now, boy, tell the gentlemen what we call the part that covers the house.”

The dog wagged his tail and went “RRRoof!”

“Get outa here, Bum”, snapped the waiter.

“Ok, ok, here’s another question”.

Bob turned to his mutt, held his head in his hands, looked him in the eyes and said:

“A piece of cloth is made up of two parts, the warp and the…?”

The dog grinned and went:

“woof”

“Get lost, Stupid, or I’ll beat you to a pulp! Do you take me for an idiot?”

“One last chance, please”, pleaded Bob, noticing that the man’s patience was wearing thin. He turned to his dog again, scratched him behind the ear and said:

“Come on boy. Let’s prove to this gentleman how clever you are. Who’s the best football player in the world?”

“RRalf”, went the dog, wagging his you-know-what. What else can dogs wag, when they’re not in heat, huh?

A hefty kick from the waiter sent Bob rolling in the deep. Oh, yeah, I should’ve mentioned there was a swimming pool near the restaurant.

As Bob was hoisting himself out of the pool, his dog licked his face and said: “should I have said Cristiano Ronaldo?”     

Reviews

[Beccy]

You're a loon, but ever so fun to read. -:)


Beccy.

[Woody]

I should be offended but I'm not :) doesn't the world need more loons in these troubled times?
always glad that you that you find my stories funny. thanks Beccy.

[Tom]

Ah indeed, Fido's not just a pretty looking face !

Canine capers aplenty, you just can't beat 'em Woody !!

[Woody]

oh no, you can't. one has to ask the right question, like Bob, and out comes the answer.
how I wish I had a dog! my wife can't stand them. too much trouble, she says.
yey, thanks for the visit, Tom, my boy.

[Tom]

Maybe someday Woody, though your good lady has a point...Dogs do require a lot of time and your undivided attention, so best to be sure before committing !

[melissa]

Amazing story keep up the great work and keep them coming

[Lotus Twilight]

Nice twist in the end....but I believe the twist isn't true? :)

[Woody]

haha of course it isn't. just having a laugh. thanks for reading.

[Marie]

Okay. I've heard this joke myself.

[Woody]

Not the way I tell it, you didn't :)

[Marie]

Well no, not quite.