Richard

love is beautiful but can be very risky

All the doctors he’s seen, so far, have given the same damning verdict: It had to be cut off. Otherwise, they’ve said, he would die within a week. He had a rare disease, the xjgdesayv. Don’t look at me like that! I’m not a doctor. But of course it was his own fault in the first place. He should never have gone with that lady, ‘unprotected’, if you get my drift. After all, what’s the use of his Kevlar vest, if he leaves it all the time at home, hanging in his wardrobe?

 

Now, he’s seeing a last doctor, an 80-year-old urologist, who’s reputed to be the best with the problems related to the nether region. Dr. Bendova from Macedonia. 

 

He’s standing in the doctor’s draughty office, naked from the waist down, shivering uncontrollably and embarrassed that he forgot to change his underpants this morning. The old doctor is bent over, squinting at the organ. It was given to him by Father Mc Kenzie, on his seventy-ninth birthday. He, then, turns to his patient patient, pinches the tip of the swollen thingy (just in case a child is reading over your shoulder) and stretches the foreskin as far as it will go and, suddenly, he lets go. SHPLAFF!! Or whatever sound a penis makes when it slaps you under the belly button. Obviously, I’m talking to the men, here. The man bites his lower lip to keep from yelling. The doctor, then, proceeds to inspect the throbbing thingamabob under the microscope, sniffs it, hums and haws, all the time nodding his head, then, muttering to himself, goes and sits behind his desk. While the man is putting his trousers back on, the doctor starts writing his prescription.

 

“Doctor” asks the man in a quavering voice, “why are you writing with a thermometer?”

 

“Oh, Jesus!” says the doctor, “some bum must’ve run away with my pen. Anyway, I’m prescribing some potent tablets. Don’t take more than one per day. Also, I’d like you to apply this ointment ev…”

 

“You mean we won’t have to cut it off?” interrupts the man, full of hope?”

 

“Oh no no no, reassures the doctor. No need to. It’ll fall off on its own.”      

Reviews

[LastMonth]

I can't f*****g breath.
Priceless.
The Ending was superb as always--
But let's talk about the start for a change.

That first paragraph was a mixture of ''What.. What am I reading..'' And short unstoppble snorts and giggles. I mean, knowing you, and your writing, I wasn't -that- surprised. But the way you write is just hilarious.

You know how sometimes when they sell you Maccaroni they put a 'Suggestion for Serving' Recipe on the back..?

I see this working really well with a heavy australian accent.
Just imagine the possibilities.

It just went SHPLAFF!! mate! SHPLAFF!! I tell ya!

Thanks for the story woods.

[Woody]

haha yes I had fun writing this one. thank YOU for always being there to appreciate my stories, Matan.
I'm not good with accents but I'd love to hear it read by an Aussie.
so glad it made you laugh :))))
any thoughts on the title?

[LastMonth]

WELL.
Ahem.
Dick is basically a shortend version of richard.

[Woody]

spot on!!! was afraid you'd missed it :)))

[LastMonth]

I'll be honest and say that I know this fact thanks to Batman and Robin.

[Woody]

I'm not sure I get that. Batman and Robin? the cartoon heros?

[LastMonth]

Ah yeah.
Robin's name is Dick Grayson.

[Woody]

ah didn't know that

[Matching Socks]

Hahaha! That was really funny!
And yeah, I caught the Macedonian thing... :)
Some bum must have run off with my pen, that was priceless. Hehe. :)
You're a master of comedy!

[Woody]

haha thank you Ance. thought you'd like the Macedonian Dr. that was the change I've made.

[Matching Socks]

Yeah, nice touch. :)

[Matching Socks]

Or poke? :)

[Woody]

that's exactly what I meant it to be. a poke :)

[Beccy]

'some bum must've run away with my thermometer,' hilarious, and the punch line wasn't bad either.

Beccy.

[Woody]

thanks, Dear. so glad you found it funny :)

[Woody]

any thoughts on the title?

[Tom]

Ps...great title, got it after reading the complete story!

[Woody]

hahaha thanks Tom. glad you like the title. naturally, I don't want to shock the young fans :)

[Tom]

Just read it over to mrs Tom & she's still giggling....

[Woody]

you truly made my day :)

[Tom]

A quite exquisitely penned piece of satire, kept me giggling throughout and the ending so brilliant!

Keep it up Woody......( no pun intended ) lol....

[Woody]

thank you so much Tom. you have a good sense of humour. and yeah, I'll do just that haha. (no pun intended. I don't believe you)

[Tom]

I am wicked....ain't i ? Lol...

[Woody]

wicked as they come :)))

[Will Neill]

Woody, I nearly burned myself with hot coffee when I read the punch line. Brilliant!
Take Care.
Will

P.S I havent forgot about the play, its just I have been concentrating on my book. I will come back to it soon. The jist of the story is set in old ireland, a womans husband dies during the night. She discovers that he has no money to get buried so she (along with a friend) decides to sell tickets to see him dead after spreading a rumour he died of an exotic disease. The first to arrive is the drunk priest to say words over him, but he never knew the deceased so keeps having to ask for tips.
Various characters will come and go...thats how it will go ''Baps on tick and Soda's on the Never Never''
Thats the name of the comedy play...what do you think?

[Woody]

thanks Will. sorry for the coffee burn :) what d'you think of the title?
the story sounds great. it will be quite a roller coaster. I already love the priest.

[Will Neill]

The title would be understood in Northern Ireland, In days gone by the women of my area would all walk to the local bakery for a "Belfast Bap" ..look it up....it was to give to their husbands before they went to work on in the ship yard...mostly they had to get them on the slate (tick)...till payday came round...sodas are a form of bread ...so they were gained on the 'never never' as well....its an Irish thing but the story could be anywhere as could be the characters.....one of my neighbours growing up had turettes syndrome.....he was quite mad to boot, a perfect visitor for the deceased. Ha!
Get some ideas going.....see what you think.
Will

[Andy East]

Very apt title. Not too cryptic. Good funny story, nice little 'Gulp' moment at the end.

[Woody]

thank you very much. and I'm so glad you picked on the title. (you're the first!!)
thanks for taking the time.

[Marie]

Funny. Traveses the bounds of good taste just a little, but it's clever enough to be forgiven.

[Woody]

Your criticism and/or appreciation are always welcome Marie. Thank you, as always.

[Delmar Cooper]

You are indeed the jokester. No sympathy for the poor sinner mind you, but a good jokester.

[Woody]

oh my oh my! It's a good thing you can't see me 'cause I'm blushing like a school girl on her fourth date (I bet you were expecting me to say third date, haha). Thanks loads, Delmar. You made my day.