Richard

love is beautiful but can be very risky

All the doctors he’s seen, so far, have given the same damning verdict: It had to be cut off. Otherwise, they’ve said, he would die within a week. He had a rare disease, the xjgdesayv. Don’t look at me like that! I’m not a doctor. But of course it was his own fault in the first place. He should never have gone with that lady, ‘unprotected’, if you get my drift. After all, what’s the use of his Kevlar vest, if he leaves it all the time at home, hanging in his wardrobe?

 

Now, he’s seeing a last doctor, an 80-year-old urologist, who’s reputed to be the best with the problems related to the nether region. Dr. Bendova from Macedonia. 

 

He’s standing in the doctor’s draughty office, naked from the waist down, shivering uncontrollably and embarrassed that he forgot to change his underpants this morning. The old doctor is bent over, squinting at the organ. It was given to him by Father Mc Kenzie, on his seventy-ninth birthday. He, then, turns to his patient patient, pinches the tip of the swollen thingy (just in case a child is reading over your shoulder) and stretches the foreskin as far as it will go and, suddenly, he lets go. SHPLAFF!! Or whatever sound a penis makes when it slaps you under the belly button. Obviously, I’m talking to the men, here. The man bites his lower lip to keep from yelling. The doctor, then, proceeds to inspect the throbbing thingamabob under the microscope, sniffs it, hums and haws, all the time nodding his head, then, muttering to himself, goes and sits behind his desk. While the man is putting his trousers back on, the doctor starts writing his prescription.

 

“Doctor” asks the man in a quavering voice, “why are you writing with a thermometer?”

 

“Oh, Jesus!” says the doctor, “some bum must’ve run away with my pen. Anyway, I’m prescribing some potent tablets. Don’t take more than one per day. Also, I’d like you to apply this ointment ev…”

 

“You mean we won’t have to cut it off?” interrupts the man, full of hope?”

 

“Oh no no no, reassures the doctor. No need to. It’ll fall off on its own.”      

Reviews

[LastMonth]

I can't f*****g breath.
Priceless.
The Ending was superb as always--
But let's talk about the start for a change.

That first paragraph was a mixture of ''What.. What am I reading..'' And short unstoppble snorts and giggles. I mean, knowing you, and your writing, I wasn't -that- surprised. But the way you write is just hilarious.

You know how sometimes when they sell you Maccaroni they put a 'Suggestion for Serving' Recipe on the back..?

I see this working really well with a heavy australian accent.
Just imagine the possibilities.

It just went SHPLAFF!! mate! SHPLAFF!! I tell ya!

Thanks for the story woods.

[Woody]

haha yes I had fun writing this one. thank YOU for always being there to appreciate my stories, Matan.
I'm not good with accents but I'd love to hear it read by an Aussie.
so glad it made you laugh :))))
any thoughts on the title?

[LastMonth]

WELL.
Ahem.
Dick is basically a shortend version of richard.

[Woody]

spot on!!! was afraid you'd missed it :)))

[LastMonth]

I'll be honest and say that I know this fact thanks to Batman and Robin.

[Woody]

I'm not sure I get that. Batman and Robin? the cartoon heros?

[LastMonth]

Ah yeah.
Robin's name is Dick Grayson.

[Woody]

ah didn't know that

[Jacob Clifford]

God d****t, Woody, you've done it again. You have such a knack for writing in a most unusual voice. If most people attempted the same thing, it would be eye-rolling, cringe-inducing crap, but with you, it just feels right. Everything about this story is hilarious, from the clever title (Richard/Dick), to the disease's name, to the doctor's name (ha!), to the superb onamonapia with the flinging of the thingamabob... I could go on and on. Very good.

[Woody]

oh boy! thanks a million my friend. it's readers like you (who pay attention to the little details) who make me want to never stop writing.
so glad you enjoyed it, Cliff.
I'll soon visit your page. promise.

[barleygirl]

You're firing on all cylinders in this one. I don't know where to start. Maybe the doctor's name . . . very clever. Or the name of the disease . . . or the momentary deception about "the organ" . . . or the "patient patient" . . . and so many more of your finest witticisms!!! But also, your ending twist is as strong as any other part of this story. I'm not sure I've seen any of your stories that put it all together quite as well as this one. Thanks for the belly laugh! (((HUGS)))

[Woody]

aaah! i'm in heaven. you know, it pains me when a reader rushes through my story to reach the punchline and completely misses those tidbits i enjoy throwing in.
thank you Dear. always a joy to manage to make you laugh (((H)))

[Taylor]

Oh, you devil! So, so funny. I'm speechless and that doesn't happen often. You're the master, Woody. By the way -- true story -- did you hear that there was the first penis transplant in the world done in Boston last week. It has been on the news here, a refreshing diversion to the lurid Presidential election in the US.

[Woody]

hahaha oops maybe I shouldn't laugh. in that case, the ending of this story's no longer funny. now if a man loses his manhood, no big deal.
yeah, Trump or should I say Tramp. looks like you're going to have him for president after all. have I sent you that picture about Marty (back to the future)?
nearly forgot. thank you so much as always for reading and making my day.

[Taylor]

I truly do not believe Trump will win the election; it's at this point no laughing matter. We're very nervous but we've had a number of bad Presidents. Just don't want another one, especially of this miniscule stature.

[Woody]

I know it started as a joke but apparently he stands a fair chance, now. I hope I'm wrong.

[Taylor]

It sends chills down my spine to think of it.

[Winslow Des Totes]

XD Aww poor guy! What a sad but similarly funny way to lose your best friend. I had to look up "draughty" because as an American the term "drafty" is used instead and I was unfamiliar with the alternative spelling so kudos you taught me something as well as made me laugh (as always!) and of course I thought it was wonderful and clever as I expect from you! It's funny how I come to your page every time I need a smile now, dare say I'm hooked >.< but keep up the good work; I'm relying on you ;)

[Woody]

thanks loads, Winslow. a pure joy to see you enjoy my writings.
It's a choice I made from the start and I try not to mix British and American English.

[...]

Funny people are, well, funny :) Love the lite iight heart, Woody :)

[Woody]

thanks a bunch lynn :) yes people like that make life fun and worth living. them and women of course.
I'm chuffed you liked it :)

[Valentine]

Gee whiz........I have been through a dozen or more of your writes looking for something I haven't read and what do I find myself reading! About a stupid doctor that writes with a thermometer! Valentine

[Woody]

thanks heaps dear Kathie. my characters are a loony bunch, aren't they? but I like them :)
noticed the title?

[Valentine]

Richard. Does that mean anything special? Kathie

[Woody]

humm could it be English (as opposed to American) by any chance?
see, I had another title in mind but thought it was too graphic. what's the diminutive for Richard?

[Valentine]

If you were closer....boy oh boy would you get a good switching. Kathie

[Woody]

ouch. I'd better postpone my trip to the States until you've cooled off, then :)

[R Smith]

great Woody, I had to read this one as it bears my name, glad to say that's as far as it goes, nice ending, well not so much nice as nasty!! poor guy huh, I think your stories will be most entertaining :)

[Woody]

I promise I was not talking about you :)
thank you so much Richard. that is my only objective: entertaining.

[Beccy]

Actually, I asked my dad. He explained in the most delicate of ways. . :) :)

Beccy.

PS, I've just posted a short story you might enjoy.

[Woody]

going, going, gone!

[Beccy]

I got the reference.

Beccy.

[Woody]

great that you did. I always worry that my hints might be too ambiguous.