a Soldiers Afterlife

A suicide note from a soldier returning from war to his wife.

Dear Kelly,

The small things in life that you’re supposed to enjoy and cherish haunt me and send my body a poor emptiness that burns in the pit of my soul. Sweetie, I know how much you love the sound the waves make when they collide together and run into the rocks, but lately that sound reminds me of storming the beaches. The only difference is that I can’t hear the bullets fly past my face or see the glow of the grenades in the distance.

I can’t even sleep at night due to the severe night terrors that lurch in my mind. There’s never a moment during my day or night that I’m not constantly aware of everything I’ve seen and done. All the people I’ve held when they died, all the people I killed when they were just teenagers, all the eyes I’ve stared into as they slowly slip away from life and into a different world; you can’t escape those things. In war you don’t have time to stop and think about what just happened, so when you get home it all burdens your family and friends and they don’t understand because they weren’t there.

Honey, I don’t expect you to understand any of this; it’s comforting to know that you’ll remain by my side through the treacherous months to come. I’ll need you now more than ever. On the bad days, just try to remember that I love you and that I’m not the same person I was when I left home; that’s just something we’ll have to overcome.

It’s been six months since I wrote that in my journal, and now I live alone because my wife left me whilst taking full custody of my children. My friends tell me I’ve changed too much and that they can’t get along with me so they don’t make an effort to contact me anymore.

It’s difficult to grasp the conflict that is stuck inside my mind; I simply cannot believe that the people that kept me going when I was hurting, starving, tired, and mentally unprepared for war, are the same people that are now avoiding me. They act as though I don’t notice their efforts to distance themselves from me. How could I not notice when I have nothing to do anymore but notice? So oftenly I thought of my friends and family while I had alone time at battle. I’d be wiping my a*s with a leaf or with a fallen comrades sock and my mind would stir up these old memories of times with the gang back home. I’ve so abruptly faded from their lives just as God has faded from mine.

Now I know I sound like a pathetic, overwhelmed man who’s feeling bad for himself. I’m sure if my parents were still alive they’d be very sympathetic and comforting, but they aren’t here and that’s harder than I ever thought it’d be. I couldn’t wait to get into the military and get out of the house that my parents honorably raised me in. Now, what I wouldn’t give to be back in that home with them. Just a simple hug would mean everything to me from almost anyone that gave a shred of a s**t. I could go to the parades and the ceremonies honoring what I did but all those do is remind me personally of what I did at war. Those people that congratulate me and thank me don’t make me feel like hero, without trying they make me feel like the villain this world has made me become.

When I got home I kept thinking ‘Gosh, the only decent part about me now is Kelly.’ She’s the only thing that’s keeping me somewhat together, for lack of a better word. She completed me and if I weren’t so stubborn I’d change my ways and try to make it right with her. It’s hard to think anything positive about myself during all of this; I look in the mirror and believe me, I know what that person looking back has done. I feel simply grossed out by what I see and what I know. For instance, I strangled a twelve year old boy being forced to fight for his nation when he didn’t even know why he was fighting. If I hadn’t killed him he would’ve killed me, sometimes I wish I would’ve let him but then he’d be in the same miser that I’m in right now and I don’t know which is worse at this point. I have many more secrets but I’ll take those with me to the grave, nobody should have to read about something so tragic and gruesome as the things that I entail.

Lastly, I’d just like to add something to Kelly because I know she’ll be reading this someday and Kelly, I just want you to know that you meant everything to me. If I could go back in time I never would’ve joined the military. They all told me that I can’t get hung up on a girl and let her decide my future but boy I wish I would’ve listened to my heart. I love you with all I have and it tears me apart that I’ve lost you for a second time.  I’m going to the put the pen down now and fit my head into that rope that dangle so lifelessly above my bed as will I dangle similarly just moments from now. Goodbye world, goodbye scary place, goodbye Kelly, goodbye my children, goodbye everyone I’ve known, and may God have mercy on all of you.

Amen,

Brian Dormeau 

Author's Note

I am only 16 years old and I wrote this within half an hour. Please be as brutal as you must be and thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it.