It's Not You

Kind of a splurge of thoughts...

When I think about what I want in life.. i think of all the experiences and all the places and situations I can place myself in and "see what happens"

I think about the danger
The vulnerability
The risk
The fear
The excitement
The adrenaline
The absolute rush of never knowing
Whats next...

And when I think about love
About passion
That fire.
There's a part of me that wants the pain.
The heartbreak.
The drama.
The give and
The take.
The wreckage from a devasting fallout
That meant everything and nothing
At the same time.
I think about being a heart breaker
A succubus
A vampire
A downright user for my own personal gain
My own fun.
But..
..not with you.

No, with you I don't want the pain.
The agony can leave us both be,
We've had f*****g enough.

I dont want a picket fence
My ideals haven't changed
But i don't want to see you hurt
I dont want to cause you pain

You are not a nothing
Not a fling
Not an adventure
You are the one that I can count on

And thats why.
That's why the answer is no.
Because if I said yes.
Said yes to myself completely.
One of us would get hurt.
Both of us would get hurt.
It wouldn't last long before it came crashing down
And i made certain promises that I intend to keep
You deserve real
You deserve true
Not drinking and late night hotel check ins
Maybe leave a number
Maybe never call
You deserve hellos
You deservs goodbyes
Not "pick me up at 7", crap what was his name again?
Foggy decisions
Foggy memories

I'm going to be indecisive
I'm going to be unclear
I'm going to be reckless
I'm going to be unfair

And i need you to be there
When im drunk
When im ashamed
Without thinking it's your shot
Without wondering "will this be it.."

So I'm honest. I'm open.
I'm brutally true.
Because you deserve
Nothing less
Than %100
And till I think I can give anyone that
No one will have that

Not just you.

It's not you.  11:24 pm 06/24/20