Sorry

This was written when in 2013 when I was 15 years old.

Would it help if i said sorry?

Ive said it a million times

I try and try but the pain wont pass me by

Alsmost everyday, a reminder of my past

a phone, a friend, a car

too many memories that last

I cant forget them

and I dont want to either

theyre my only reminder

of why im behind her

without them id be stuck wondering why

why i must cry

all because i cant have something and I dont know why

Id wonder why Im hated

wonder why shes the favorite 

wonder why even though I do my best to be good

Im just misunderstood

I need the pain to let me know

that what Ive done is wrong

my own personal sin

and why my semi-close kin

gets more and better than me

when shes just as bad as i was

but on a different degree

I sinned in lust yes, but i was never mean

i never tried to hurt to hurt

and point at the debree

thats on the floor, its now past

just old scrap pieces of paper

numbers deleted

the only thing i seem to keep

is the list of things i lost. 

I've said im sorry

Ive meant it every time

why cant this confusion just leave me be

would i change it or not?

all those things that i said

messages sent and pictures took

I say i never would

I say I need the punishment

the pain makes me who I am

but truthfully I dont know

if I wanna be that person anymore

or if i wish i could just fade

like the trust i used to have

I dont understand!

was it really that bad?1

im still a virgin daddy

please tell me you believe me

tell me you dont think im lost

that my innocence is burned

id never do what you did

but you dont believe me

they were strangers that made me feel better

told me that i was good

said that i looked pretty

and thats all I ever wanted

just a little compliment

every now and then, without a but to follow

I just wanted a friend

I didnt care about the benefits 

so why cant you see that im not a bad person

that shes the one thats overlooked

not me. Im okay. 

she doesnt care about authority

she thinks rules are meant for breaking

is my punishment for having an open mind

to watch her get a prize?

its working.

it hurts

every time you award her

and im left in the shadows

"lets just avoid her"

If i could make you see

what i feel in my heart

let you see my soul

as i rip it apart

blaming myself, i know i fucked up

my lifes not the way it should be

but thats not whats up

Im crying because i see

so many things you dont

and if i open your eyes

im just a snark

Im a bad sister, for someone I dont even like

just because i said she hurt my feelings

because she knows where to strike

I cauterize my wounds

but she opens them again

she doesnt care about people

she doesnt care about friends

shes stuck up and preppy

thinks shes the best

but maybe that will save her

from my chaotic mess.

Author's Note

this is a PSA that you are never alone and that it is always, always okay to ask for help. even if one person decides to help you, i promise you can find someone that will. please dont give up.