Chapter One

How it happened, and the after-effects....

Chapter One

Sitting in my room on my own became a habit when I was twelve years old. I didn't like spending time with other people at home. Well, not until my dad got re-married. When I met his (then) girlfriend in the summer after sixth grade it was pretty awkward... But when I met her son, who just happened to be my age almost exactly, we got along instantly. He soon became one of my best friends. He was always there for me.

But... I guess something changed after eighth grade. Leo began drifting away from me. I didn't get a chance to talk to him much that summer, me having gone home on the other side of the world for three months. When I got back things seemed so... awkward. It was like he didn't want to be around me anymore, like I'd changed too much for him. And I honestly couldn't see the change within me, yet I could see one in him. He'd told me that he was trying to change to repair some old friendships, but I didn't see why you would have to change to get friends. “If people don't like who you are now,” I'd told him, “why would you want to change to please them?”

He hadn't cared for what I had to say on the matter.

I sighed and turned my chair around to face the door. Loud music had begun to blast from the next room, Leo's. “Give it a few minutes,” I muttered to myself. “See if he calms down.”

Loud music coming from my step-brother's room usually meant he was in a bad mood. “Bad” meaning angry and/or depressed. He usually calmed down within five or ten minutes, turning the music down so slightly that only I noticed the change.

The song changed. I frowned. 'Bodies' by Drowning Pool had replaced 'Rope' by Foo Fighters. Not a good sign. I waited until the middle of the song before leaving my room and knocking on Leo's door.

“What?!” he shouted, clearly not liking the fact that he was being disturbed.

I frowned a little heavier. “Can I come in?” I asked him.

Leo may not like me as much as before, but he wouldn't turn me away. I knew that much. I heard the lock slide away and the knob turn. The door fell open an inch or two and I pushed it the rest of the way. Leo turned his music down as I entered the dimly lit room, but didn't turn it off all together.

“What's up?” I asked, closing the door behind me and making myself comfortable on the couch in the corner.

“Nothing,” Leo said, not looking at me.

I rolled my eyes at his back. “Please,” I said. “I know you far better than that.”

He turned, leaning on the post of his bed. “Nothing's up,” he said sternly.

I rolled my eyes again, making a point of raising them as far up as I could before bringing them back down. “Obviously,” I said, pausing slightly after the first syllable, “something is bothering you.”

“Nothing's bothering me.”

I stood up and walked closer to him. “Don't lie to me, Leo,” I said softly. “Just tell me what's wrong.”

He sighed and gave in. “Life is wrong, Calley,” he told me, looking directly into my different-coloured eyes.

“How so?” I asked, not moving my gaze from his.

Leo looked nonchalantly around the room. “Look around you,” he said. “Everything is so fucked up, and we don't even realize it. We're living in a mirage.”

“Life isn't all that bad.”
“Life is overrated.”

I glared at him, but still his gaze didn't waver. I sighed and looked around the room. “You're so stubborn,” I told him. “You know you don't have it as bad as some kids, so why do you keep thinking you do?”

This time it was his turn to frown. “We've been living together for how long, Calley?”

“Two weeks. And?”

“My mother is far worse than she seems. She's only trying to be nice because she doesn't want to make a bad impression on you guys.”

“I'm sure.” Leo glared at me, making me roll my eyes. “That wasn't sarcasm. I remember you texting me about what a b***h she is before we lived with yous, and she really does seem like the type of person to do those things. She's just like my dad.”

We stood there in silence for a few minutes, looking awkwardly at the floor and around the room. Then Leo looked back up at me and spoke. “Thanks,” he said.

I tilted my head to the side and asked, “What for?”

“You could have just saved my life.”

I felt my eyes widen into huge circles as what he had just said sank in. “Leo...” I said, moving a hand to rest it on his shoulder. “Why would you want to do that?”

I saw his eyes begin to grow pink, his lip begin to quiver. “I don't even know anymore,” he said, his voice cracking. Then, so quickly I almost didn't perceive how it had happened, Leo moved forward and hugged me around my middle, burying his face in the hair that had fallen to my shoulder.

I put my arms around his shoulders, holding him close as I'd learned to do from the first breakdown of his that I'd witnessed.

“Shh...” I whispered softly. “It's okay, Leo. It's all okay. I promise I won't let anything happen to you.”

That was three months ago, down to the day.

I close my eyes and stand up, not looking at the wall that connected my bedroom to Leo's old room. I haven't looked at that wall for months. Haven't even been to that part of the house since it happened. I step out into the corridor and turn left, automatically away from Leo's room. The house is empty, my parents at work and my siblings at school. I haven't left the house in what seems like forever.

I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror hanging on my sister's door and stop. Dark circles have formed under my eyes from weeks of almost-sleepless nights, my hair a mess of knots and tangles. I see him in my reflection, looking back at me from under his black cap, hands in the pockets of his sweatshirt.

A shiver runs down my spine and I turn away from the mirror, pulling the brim of Leo's cap down past my eyes so that all I can see is my feet. I hug my arms tighter around myself, my hands lost in the long sleeves of his sweatshirt. I plop myself down on the wide windowsill in the living room, staring down at the driveway below.

“No, like this.” Leo took the skateboard from under me and showed me the trick again. “It's basically just like jumping with a plank under your feet.”

“I see...” I muttered.

I saw him roll his eyes at me, but seized the skateboard anyway. I stood as he'd showed me, stuck my tongue out from habit, and tried the jump. I flew up without the board. “Damnit!!” I cried. “I'm never going to get this.”

“Yes you are. Just keep trying. Look, watch me again.” I handed over the board and watched his actions intently. “It's easier on the road than it is on this slanted driveway. Watch.”

It was then that I got the sense of de ja vu. I've dreamed about this, I thought. I dreamed about this last week. Oh my god he's going to�"�"

“Leo!” I ran frantically towards my step-brother. But it was too late...

The car seemed to come out of no where. He'd looked up at the sound of my panicked voice, but there was no time. I heard the screeching of brakes, tires squeeling, a terrible crash�"and then silence.

“Leo! No!” I ran forwards as the car screeched on down the street. I didn't think to look at the license plate, or even what type of car it was, all I cared about was getting to my brother. I hadn't realized it before, but by the time I'd gotten to the wreck there were tears streaming down my face and onto the pavement.

There was blood everywhere�"�"Leo's blood. He was gasping for breath when I knelt down beside him.

“Leo...” I whispered. “I'm so sorry...”

“Calley...” he whispered hoarsely. “Calley... Cal...”

His eyes fluttered closed, those long eye lashes shielding his gorgeous eyes one final time.

It's the sound of a door slamming that breaks me out of my flashback of what had happened that day. My father is home early. Quickly, before he notices me there, I silently run back to my room and lock the door. I sink down against the wall in the darkness. My throat burns and my stomach muscles ache. Had I been crying? It doesn't surprise me.

“Calley, honey?” I hear my father call out for me. He knew I wasn't going to talk, but he still continued to try. I haven't spoken since that day. He knocks on my door, but I don't acknowledge it. “You're grandpa's going to be here soon. Please come out and say hello.”

He's not my grandfather, and you know it. I answer in my head. And you know full well that I won't leave this room until the house is empty.

I hear my father sigh after a minute or so and walk back down the hallway, towards his office.

I feel my eyes begin to burn. I haven't seen any of my step-relatives since Leo's funeral, and I know they'll try to talk to me. Probably just through the door, though... Everyone knows how close I was with him. He was my best friend, my brother...

I shake my head and stand up, readjusting the sweat pants around my legs so that they weren't so high up on my hips. I sit myself down at my desk and pull out my razor blades, roll up the left leg go my sweat pants. Day 93 without you... I think as I trace yet another Talley mark onto my leg. Both of my arms and half of my left thigh are covered with them. Of course nobody knows about them. None of my family or friends have seen me since the funeral, and all I wear anymore are sweat pants and Leo's sweatshirt.

I watch, mesmerized, as blood trickles down my leg and onto the chair in a steady stream of crimson. I grab a tissue out of the box on my desk and wipe the blood off my leg, watching the dark liquid soak through the thin white material. A drop of water drips onto the cut, making it burn. I look up, wondering where it had come from�"�"then I realize that it was a tear, not a mere drop of water.

I miss you so much, Leo. I'm surprised I've lasted this long without you...

My head snaps up at the sound of the doorbell ringing and voices calling out. “Hellooo!” Leo's grandfather. I let my pant leg fall back to the ground and bring my knees up to my chest, burying my face in the darkness of Leo's clothes. It surprises me every time I do this that they still smell like him. I breathe in deeply, holding in his intoxicating scent.

“Hello,” I hear my father call back. “I'll be up in a moment, just have to finish this e-mail.”

I shake my head and reach out for my headphones on my desk. I place them in my ears and turn on my iPod. I skip through several songs before finding one I can tolerate at the moment. 'Path I Walk' by Boondox. I close my eyes, drifting ever-farther away from reality with each passing second.

Reviews

[Calypso]

I have an issue with you nit indenting the paragraphs, but that is it. I do like this book. I shows the sadness and pain that comes with loss. I want to see how this girl evolves and changes.
While reading this I think about Behind Blue Eyes by Limp Bizkit

[Eversea]

hehe, I see what you did with that obviously.

But it's saaaaad. How could you, Endlosen? The title....and the story...and now my eyes are leaking!
...I like your style though, different from what I've read before.