what am i?

just another upsetting rant...

For a while I sat and thought. I sat down on the stool and thought about me. my life. my friends. my feelings. my writing. my music. my hobbies. and most of all, i thought about why I wasnt happy.

I didnt have it hard like the poor children around the world. i live in the northeastern US. there is nothing ~~rought~~ about where I live.

So i decided to break it down. every aspect of my life, and see what I could come up with.

I. My friends

I love my friends. Every one of them, even the majorly problematic ones. I love the friends I have at school, the ones outside of school, and the ones I have on tumblr, online. The vast majority of htem respect my religion, my sexuality, my thoughts, and for the most part, my interests. Although, one of my male friends I am falling in love in, and for a long time, I was in denial. And now, I accept it. I think. I just do not know what to do...or if I'll ever have a chance, not just with him, but with anyone in the future.

II. My feelings

Oh. Where to begin with this. My feelings are crazy and complex, and everything is thought about twice and many times. I'm in a constant state of fatigue (emotional and mental), sadness, and indifference. I am no longer interested in a few hobbies, some of my friends are now beginning to annoy me, and I am in love with another. My self esteem is at an all time low combined with a mixture turning to hope, but like a dying star, gravity (low self esteem) will overcome fusion (hope) and one day it'll explode. I'm battling my emotions and now it is turning into a dangerous war in which there will be many casualties.

III. My family

I dont know how to start. This was incredibly hard to think about. How I feel about my family is something I do not understand. Somehow, simultaneously, my family manages to make me feel like complete and utter s**t as well as providing a "home" for me. My mom, especially, makes me feel like s**t. She has such a lack of understanding for who i am and my feelings, its almost amazing. She doesnt respect my interests. She constantly makes fun of my love for bands, and dramatizes it. She doesnt respect or like some of my best friends, and usually for something that happened years ago. She makes no effort to at least try to listen or understand my point or m feelings about something. It's f*****g embarrassing and i hate it and thats why i dont try anymore.

IV. My writing

My writing is an escape. It's a break from reality, an alternate universe. I imagine all my stories, ever one i've ever written, takes place in this universe. i have the power to create and expland this universe, and i can do whatever i want want. it is truly a joy to spend time in this universe rather than the one i'm in. writing makes me feel worlds better.

V. my music

My music is another break from reality. It is something that makes me feel worlds better, and is there for me no matter what mood i'm in, whether it be sad or okay or anything, it's always there. i am in a life where i'm always there for people, but barely anyone is there for me, but music replaces that. i know i can always rely on twenty one pilots or coldplay or onerepublic or the 1975 or glass animals to make me feel understood. always. 

VI. my hobbies

There are so few of these lately. I have lost interest in many, many things. But music and writing have stayed, clearly. I am slowly getting back into playing my own music, but it'll never be the same as it once was. Astronomy continues to be the path I strive to take, and I hope it happens, one way or another. However long it takes, I will continue to try.

Overall, I have decided that my unhappiness is due to a lack of understand within my family, and for always being there for friends but hardly anyone is ever there for me. I am alone, very alone, but I'm a lonely person that does have a life. This is who I am, and this will shape me in the future, into hopefully a better person.

Author's Note

I hope this is ok to post
pls say whatever ur thoughts were initially and what u thought while reading it