Tales of darkness- chapter one

Chapter One

Cyril Edwin sprawled alone in the dark in his locked bedroom. A sign on the door warned: “Keep the f**k out! No unauthorized persons allowed beyond this point.” He rested on his cool, comfortable light duck down duvet, with an unlit cigarette between his lips, the back of his head resting on his hands. His eyes were bloodshot.

As he lay there in his designer clothes, he looked around his bedroom, the walls covered with posters of half-naked celebrities: Megan Fox, Rosie Huntington-Whitely, Vanessa Hudgens, Shakira, Selena Gomez, and Angelina Jolie. These provided his inspiration to jerk-off when he is alone at night.

          “Gonna miss each and every one of you fine hotties after midnight,” he muttered to the posters, smiling in a lopsided way. “Especially you, Whitely. You’re such a hottie!” he added after blowing her a kiss.

         After staring at the ceiling for a long time, he spoke to himself in a deep voice, saying, “Tonight’s gonna end in f*****g tears!” His features tensed as he clenched his teeth in anger at the mental image of the boy who would soon to be his prey.

          The boy-to-be-murdered’s full name is Timmy William Hubert. He is thirteen. He has short curly blond hair; blue eyes that are small, round, and bright; a short, flat nose; and a long narrow mouth. He is in the same seventh grade and class as Cyril. Every day he wears the same clothes: Chase brown eyeglasses; a short-sleeved, V-neck, buttoned down H&M T-shirt; a green pilot jacket; slightly stretchy twilled chinos with side pockets; and nougat leather espadrilles. He’d been bullied his whole life for dressing in cheap clothes, taking a bath only once a week, and having no friends.

          The moment Cyril closed his eyes, he thought back to one particular day in fifth-grade when he had teased Timmy for dressing and smelling rather different than the rest of the pupils in his year. His memories took him back to that explicit day, the day that had changed Cyril's attitude toward the boy forever…

          The rotting tomatoes smell hit him the moment he had strolled down the school hallway in his designer clothes while texting his five all-time buddies�"Angus, Marciano, Demise, Ryan, and Guy. The smell was rancid, and he couldn’t help but gag. Trying to figure out where the smell had originated from, Cyril looked around; he realized that Timmy was the only person to be seen in the hallway. He was scanning through his “Key Stage 3 Mathematics: Revision and Practice” workbook like a maniac while biting his nails. Cyril concluded that the smell had been emanating off of him, because as far as he remembered, Timmy was the only person in his year, who had worn the same clothes since the fourth-grade.

         “Dude, you've been wearing that pile of garbage for the last, god knows, twenty years! When the f**k are you gonna score some new s**t, Hubert?” Cyril sneered.

         “No, I haven’t actually.” Timmy’s eyes still focusing on the questions inside his workbook. “It has only been a few�"”

         “Weeks? Months? Years? Well, I don’t really give a f**k, to be honest. Anyways, I’ve gotta couple of useful tips to tell you before I go on my three-minute jog with Coach Rock behind the portacabins. First, go buy yourself a new set of clothes. Second, consider taking a shower as soon as you get home, otherwise you'll be smelling like salmon�"or whatever that smell is�"for the rest of your life. And third, mix with your own kind, or else the f*****g ‘socializing fairy’ will come down from Mars to Earth to send you to ‘socializing hell’�"where you'll be punished for not mixing with gay pricks like you back on Earth!”

          “I don't smell like salmon, okay!” Timmy said, closing the workbook, his anger raging. “And I cannot afford to buy a new set of clothes. I'm telling Principal Gareth you called me smelly and a scary story about ‘socializing fairies,’ and that way you're bound to get suspended for fourteen days. Take care, Cyril, and I'll see you in two weeks�" well, that's if you're alive in two weeks. Ta-ra, troublemaker!”

          “Hold on a second, dickhead! You were joking about the whole snitching part, weren't ya?” Cyril asked, confused.

          “Four words, Cyril. Before you speak, think!”

          “Dude, this is like the third time I've spoken to you in my entire life! Why the f**k are you acting so defensive over the truth, huh?”

          “You know by scrolling through your track history in this school, and by adding one more behavioral comment to that list. I reckon your life at John. F Gareth Middle School could be at stake!”

          “You didn't answer my question, a*****e!”

          “Using vulgar language toward a prefect, huh? Now, that's definitely going to keep you out of suspension for a long time. Isn't it, Cyril?”

          “How much to keep your mouth zipped, prick?”

          “Paying a Hubert to keep his all-time enemy out of trouble? Not going to happen, Mr. Edwin. Better luck next time, f****t!”

          Replaying in his dark mind, the words he didn't want to hear burned against his eardrums, “Better luck next time, f****t!” Trying to escape from the thoughts trapped inside his head, back in his room his memories went back to a day in sixth-grade when Timmy had snitched on him for screwing around with his five dirty-minded buddies during lesson time. It was a day that had brought vengeance into Cyril's mind. He was prepared to take matters into his own hands …

That day, Timmy had reported Cyril to the principal for making fun out of the ‘nerdy’ sixth-graders. Cyril routinely picked on a group of kids who, like Timmy, dressed in inexpensive clothing, stood alone in the playground every recess and lunch, and continually snitched on others for dropping litter, using the “f” word, and playing violent ball games.

          “Mr. Gareth, I'm afraid you-know-who, is making fun out of the sixth-graders again,” Timmy reported.

          “Oh, is he now? Do you have any specific names or is it just the usual?”

          “Er, just the usual, sir: Harry Pearson, Danny Williams, James Buckland, Simon Tibbett, and George Water field.”

          “Perfect! Okay, er, may I ask if you could bring you-know-who and the other students to my office?”

          “It'd be my pleasure, sir. I'll be back in two ticks.”

Author's Note

i'm open to all critics, so please don't hesitate to tell me what you think and what needs work on. Thank you.

Reviews

[DoormanDan]

This is quite solid my friend, quite solid. Not only did you successfully build up your main character(who's an antagonist rather than a protagonist instead, rather than the other way around. Good job on changing the formula up a bit, by the way.), You made it even more creepy by having these dark thoughts be that of a middle school student. The length is just about right to keep the audience interested, and by the time I got to the end, I was left very interested and curious to find out what happens next. Will Cyril follow through with his plan? Will he succeed? Will some other outside force intervene? Stories that make one ask questions like this are ones that tend to do well in the world. There were a few typos I saw though;

"He rested on his cool, comfortable light duck down duvet, with an unlit cigarette between his lips" There's not much of anything wrong with this sentence, but I think it could use a few more commas at the part, "He rested on his cool, comfortable, light, duck down duvet(unless the name of the duvet is Light Duck Down, in which case disregard this part.) Another thing I just noticed is that you changed tense in the middle of your story, which should be avoided most of the time. You started off with past tense(was, sprawled), and then went to present(is, says), so I would recommend going back through and changing certain parts to the tense you started out with(in this case, past tense).

Those are the only things I have to point out. Overall, this story is very well written, and I really enjoyed reading it. Fantastic job! :)

[Enayet1999]

Thank you ever so much!

[DizzyLlama]

Responding to request:
This is really great! It was dark but not too dark. It keeps you reading and interested. I enjoy how raw it is. I feel like you might have a little more insight to the story then just imagination, so i would like to say. It gets better!! Great intro cant wait to read more!

[Enayet1999]

Cheers mate! Much appreciated! Any suggestions?

[DizzyLlama]

Maybe just to provide more of a setting. Amd read a lik of my stuff?

[Enayet1999]

yea sure. I might as well

[dw817]

Here at your earlier PM request for a review:

Gotta admit, Angelina Jolie certainly turned my head in Tomb Raider. :)

Your text is changing color in the middle. It's Writer's Cafe infamous #303030 color, hard to catch sometimes. Just highlight the lot of it and recolor it to BLACK #000000 should fix it.

Quite a bit of tension and aggression in this story. Having been to the principal's office a few times, I tell ya, unless you're in kindergarten, calling someone smelly doesn't detail an issue.

With all the open anger I would add fights in the hallway, and before and after school. Possibly add an infamous swirlie to drown the fight out of anyone. It really does.

Middle and high-school, that's the perfect place to find the worst bullies.

Unusual about the no bathing part. Growing up I would sometimes take 2-3 showers a day just because I enjoyed them. Now I do know a few people who are aquaphobic and that is strange, they do only take a bath once a week or once a month.

I never could figure out the mentality behind that.

As for the construction of the story, presentation, spelling, grammar, and layout, it's perfect. You did a nice job here, definitely one for the books, and I hope this turns into one.

[Enayet1999]

cheers mate. Much appreciated

[jeannemarie coulter]

the introduction of the major characters is well done and the dialogue works well...i do hate bullying from any angle, which in your work seems to be 2 sided...interesting thoughts...

[Enayet1999]

thanks a lot!

[Saraswati]

a flawless write,reminded me of movie "hostel".

[Enayet1999]

is that a good thing or bad thing?

[wordman]

it is a good chapter,reminds me of teenagers today and how some act
didn`t like the word f*****g but other than that a good and interesting read

[Enayet1999]

Cheers. i'LL try cut down on the f words. Would you like to take a took at chapter 2

[wordman]

i will later leaving in a few minutes

[Enayet1999]

ok, thanks, mate

[Coyote Poetry]

A interesting chapter. You create situation and bad actions. Remember the who, what, when, why and how of every scene. Describe room, people and thoughts. I liked the chapter. Had the possibility of being a entertaining story. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote

[Enayet1999]

cheers mate

[Daughter of Darkness]

I don't think it's bad or needs work or criticism or whatever. I think it's great. And for your first thing posted on here it's great. Your talented. Keep writing:)

[Enayet1999]

what do you mean by you don't think it is bad?

[Daughter of Darkness]

Exactly what I said. I don't think it's bad. Is there any other meaning. Any who, I really think it's good.😝

[Enayet1999]

thank you. Means a lot. Care to take a look at chapter 2?

[Daughter of Darkness]

Whenever you put it up I promise I will

[Enayet1999]

thank you.

[Daughter of Darkness]

No problem.

[Ashish Hegde]

A few grammatical errors here and there, but that's fine.
Looking forward to the next chapter.

[Enayet1999]

May i ask if you could point to where there the grammatical errors are? Thank you.

[Ashish Hegde]

Well, one of those is " mental image of the boy who would soon to be his prey. "
A few others are insignificant and maybe i missed more errors like that. Stuff like that happen to me all the time. I half erase the previous sentence and the new sentence becomes disfigured and the error goes unnoticed. Next time, give two good read so as to rectify glaring blunders that may have occurred.

[Enayet1999]

thank you. I really appreciate your feedback