I want to tell you

I want to tell you so much, but I don't know how.

I want to tell you that I don't believe I’m capable of staying in love.

I want to tell about the boy who took my virtue and destroyed me with it,

And the boy who I loved for 10 years and never will believe I can truly let go of,

Or the boy who abused and took advantage in every way he could and destroyed me,

And most importantly the boy who thought it was his right to push my head down in the back seat of his car behind the hannaford I still won't go back to.

I want to tell you why I got engaged in the first place.

I want to tell you how the desperation to be loved and adored had destroyed my ability to accept love.

I want to tell you about how the razor has become my sanity over the last 13 years.

I want to tell you all the times I tried to cease to exist and about the letters I wrote.

I want to tell you why I’ve kept those letters.

I want to tell you about the bullying that changed my entire life.

I want to tell you how the actions of so many others have broken me.

I want to tell you that I believe everything happens for a reason only to justify all the bad that has happened to me.

I want to tell you about my first memory.

I want to tell you how much I hate myself for the things I have done and how I never truly believe you could ever trust me.

I want to tell you that you are not the first time I cheated.

I want to tell you how I went from a child with all the promise in the world and the ego to match,

To a girl who will never believe she can accomplish anything.

I want to tell you that not only have I let down everyone who’s ever entered my life, but I have let myself down more than anything.

I want to tell you that I fear for us because I always feel like every relationship is different than the others, but they always end the same.

I want to tell you how you have made me feel like I have a purpose, and that maybe, just maybe, I am special.

I want to tell you that I hope more than anything we really are different.

I want to tell you so much, and stop being so afraid.