Beautiful Destinations

I once had this teacher

who had put a sticky note 

on the inside of my notebook

for that class.

The inside of each cover was full

of quotes, 

that I wrote on sticky notes.

Except for the inside of the front cover.

It had one open spot left.

You see, over the summer break of that year,

A fellow student of mine,

Was killed

by a car that hit him while he was walking early in the morning*.

I was dealing with it all very hard.

The class had to turn our notebooks in so that 

the teacher could check them.

Once we got them back, I had intended to

 fill that last spot space with a quote 

that I had found.  

But my teacher got to it first. 

When I opened my notebook, inside I found,

What I thought was the most amazing quote ever.

"Difficult roads 

Often Lead

To

Beautiful Destinations"

A truly beautiful quote.  

And from that day on,

I had seen the light at the end of the

very dark tunnel that I was headed down.

But as of today, no, as of August,

that light is now

gone.

And I'm surrounded by nothing 

but false hope,

and I'm tired of being played.

 I want, no, I NEED someone, something

to pull me out of this hell hole

before I leave my way.

The "selfish", yet "easy" way.

Why do so many people think its

the easy way out?

Cuz it's really not.     I've tried

I don't know how many

times now

to

leave

my way,

And it sure isn't easy.

It's hard,

so crazy difficult to do.

I've been there, almost making it out 

my way, only to have gotten

my timing wrong, or

not apply

enough

PRESSURE.

Always having what it takes to get 

to the door,

but never enough to

open it and go through.

Until now.

This feeling that I have,

is so much stronger

      than before.

I know if I try to leave

my way,

Iĺl make it.

But I need someone, 

or something,

to pull me out

before I try

anything!

Please, anyone!

Anything!

I WANT OUT SO GET ME THE HELL OUT!

Someone, please...

.....

......

.....

.....

.....

.....

.....

please just listen,

and maybe,

no,

hopefully

you'll hear 

my 

cry for

help.

Because not all roads

lead to 

Beautiful Destinations

in the end.

Author's Note

*If you would like to know more about this student, his name is Matthew Swepston, and here is the link to the abc30 article
http://abc30.com/news/friends-family-teachers-mourn-reedley-high-student-killed-in-hit-and-run/1413455/

Reviews

[Lavi]

Reminds me of a lot of things. It's fortunate you had such an inspiring teacher back then. This is very raw and beautiful. All I feel I can offer are words and conversation (I do believe in the power of talking) and have been reading a lot of your writing on here. This is a very soul-full piece and very powerful.
I think, at least to me, "difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations" means that as long as you keep holding on and trying to find a way to be yourself and have a better life, you can find that beautiful destination but only if you hold on - and try. If it was just supposed to happen then there would be a lot less heartache in the world and perhaps even less beautiful destinations because only those who have faced hardship in such a manner could understand when you've really found that beautiful place, while to others it's just a destination.
Suicide is never easy, its a fight against your instinct to live, and those who believe it is easy are those who have no idea how to live with themselves and/or after hardship. It's best to let people with those beliefs words' just bounce off because they mean nothing to you or anything really, meaningless words.
This, on the other hand, is powerful and every suicide whether successful, thought of, or unsuccessful, is painful as hell because it's so heartbreaking and so sad, to lose such good souls in the world to those that know nothing. If we're going to wish for someone to help us then we need to be able to do the same, and by losing ourselves, our good, we only create more sorrow and pain.
So although we may often find ourselves falling remember that we have wings, it's up to us when we allow ourselves to let go of the same routine and fly.

[Coyote Poetry]

Powerful words dear friend. Life is hard and we must be harder. We must try to help the people struggling. Thank you for sharing your words and the story.
Coyote

[Geodan]

I love this because it puts a raw and open view on issues like this. The quote is great, but as you pointed out, not always true. Suicide isn't easy. This points out that suicide isn't romantic or pretty or easy.

[barleygirl]

I intensely relate to everything you've written here with so much raw honesty & yet showing true-to-life contradictions. I use that line often (difficult roads = beautiful destinations) . . . it helped me put my head back on straight a few dozen times. I also understand your ambivalence about suicide . . . it's not one bit easy (even tho people think it's the "easy way out") -- but for me, suicide ideation helped me learn to survive the constant flow of s**t that life often deals. It's becuz I didn't care if I lived or died & this gave me the courage to keep going when I was sure I would die if I took another step. It's hard to read this & wonder if you really do feel like you need help, or an anchor, or some encouragement . . . it's hard to wonder if you are as hellbent as you sound (I hope not). But for me, being suicidal is the reason I made it to age 61 & finally learning to love myself & love life, no matter if I'm surrounded by disappointment. Even tho this sounds like a dire message, there's something very strong here that tells me you will survive & it will be so worth it (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Lavi]

Also, I often talk with you so think of it as third person. It's not direct, per say. I hope that makes sense... thanks for sharing.

[jaywolf1738]

I miss Matthew. He was like my big brother :-(

[Wonderland Asylum]

I know, Jay.
He would be proud of everything that you've done.
Just remember that he is with all of us, with everything that we do.
He lives on in our hearts.

[jaywolf1738]

Do you think he's proud of me becoming CO?

[Wonderland Asylum]

Hell yeah girl!
Jay, I'm proud of you becoming CO.
You deserve it.

[Emma]

Truly horrific story, and difficult to put down in words, but I admire how you found a unexpected perspective on the death with the post-it-note messages. The format I think is beautiful, yes hard to navigate whilst reading in some sections, but when I saw the whole thing the winding pattern created a perfect image in my head of the uncertain road of life, and the then being lost at the dead end. I did feel that the thoughts got a little less focused and chaotic towards the end when you strayed away from description into just your thoughts, but it did show a conflicting/desperate state of mind, just compromised the lovely flow. In my opinion a great poem.

[R.E. Ray]

A touching and heartbreaking story. Nothing worse than lost hope. Your last stanza is sadly true. Some roads are dead ends (the path to death, especially by one's own hand, is certainly a dead end). Still, most roads, if they don't lead to "beautiful destinations," can lead to someplace better and brighter. And, sometimes it takes another person to help them find the right path, the path back to hope.

I'm assuming the misaligned, scattered stanzas are intended to symbolize the mental chaos conveyed in your words. For me, it's more distracting than symbolic. Your words are more than sufficient to create this image and the emotions. So, maybe something to consider if you make a few changes. Regardless of the format, it's an impressive work and shows your writing skill. Nice work!

[lessa (kenzie)]

kind of hard to navigate through this write, but I enjoyed this. heartfelt and intriguing a bit

[Pete]

nice write. i very much enjoyed this. so much honest truth contained in these heartfelt words. there are no guarantees in life. is not the destination but the rather the journey which is important. parallels of Robert Frost - 'The Road Less Traveled'.

"Pursue some path, however narrow and crooked, in which you can walk with love and reverence." - Thoreau