A.D. - After Death

Ivy just lost her grandmother, the woman who raised her and is having a hard time dealing with her loss. Little does she know her life is getting ready to make a turn towards the unbelievable!

 

Though my friends thought it was the right thing to do, I still did not know if I was ready to face the world, much less a party, after what I had just been through. Less than a month ago, my world had been split apart by the death of the woman who raised me. She was my rock and my best friend. Even though she was not my mother, she had taken care of me from the very beginning. She was my grandmother, Lillie.

I was so racked with pain from her passing that I now moved through my existence barely aware of the life around me. I could get through my days at work by hiding behind a mask, pretending I was ok, knowing full well that when I got home, the pain would take its vengeance. On the inside, I felt empty, lost, and unsure if I would ever be whole again.  My grandmother had always been there for me gently guiding me with her loving ways. So, as her feeble mind slipped and her body gave out, I was there for her the only way I could have been. Always gentle and loving even when she didn’t remember me. The more her mind began to seep into the empty void, the more she would ramble on about strange things and mention names I had never heard before. Toward the end, her eyes held no expression, no acknowledgement of who I was, and her ramblings had ceased. She finally gave up her fight to hold on to his world. Peacefully, as she held my hand, she drifted to sleep with a smile on her face never to wake again.   

            The day they buried my grandmother it snowed. It wasn’t the usual small flakes that we normally see in this area but huge white feathers falling from the gray sky. It was as if someone had cut open a down pillow and shaking its contents out all over the town. Snow fall had always made me happy so the fact that it snowed during such a tragic time in my life made me feel a glimmer of hope. It was as if my grandmother was trying to soothe away my pain, telling me it was ok. I tried to take comfort in the fact that she was trying to give me peace even in death and that she was with my grandfather, Cavin, whom she had loved so dear.

            I wondered if I was going to remain broken forever or if the fog I was in would ever lift. All I had left was my father but he traveled so much I rarely saw him. My mother had gone through some traumatic event not long after I was born that left her in a catatonic schizophrenic state. My grandmother never would tell me what happened only that it was horrific and her prognosis was not hopeful. I always feared that I would end up just like her and maybe this was the tip of the iceberg for me thus beginning my downward spiral into the dark recesses of my own mind. I had tried to visit my mother on several occasions but when she would see me it always trigged a desperate and seemingly angry outburst.

My last attempt to see my mother was over the summer. The nursing staff had brought my mother in to a small room with a table and two chairs. When they sat her down at the table opposite me, she didn’t look up at me right away. I watched her hollow deep set eyes slowly lift to my face and for a moment, I thought a smile crossed her lips. I smiled back at her and simply said “hello mother”. It was at that point that she lurched forward without warning, grabbing at me from across the table knocking me back out of my chair. As she tried to grab at me she kept screaming repetitively, “they’re coming for you!”

The nurses were ready for it and instantly restrained her as they pierced her skin with needled syringe injecting medication into her arm. I remembered my body shaking as I watched in fear from the floor where I had landed. As the medication began to take over, she quit struggling against the nurses. She went limp in the arms of the nurses as the emotion drained from her face. They put her in a wheelchair and she slumped over as they wheeled her out of the visiting room. I picked myself off the floor and fought to make it to my car before I lost all composure. I began sobbing as I drove from the hospital knowing it was the last time I would see my mother. That day, I left a piece of my heart behind. I decided I couldn’t take it anymore because my mother would never be whole again.

            It was after that incident with my mother that my friends had started to come up with ways to cheer me up. They would drag me to lunch dates and shopping trips trying to occupy most of my spare time. That’s what friends are for right? To help you pick up the pieces as your life begins to crumble? I knew they had seen a drastic change in me after that last trip to see my mother. I had made the decision to visit her just after I learned I was about to lose my grandmother. It would kill my friends to know how many nights I lay in my bed, crying myself to sleep. Most nights, alone in the dark, I would let the emptiness tear at my heart. The pain would course through my body in waves, forcing me to curl up in a ball as if I were trying to contain it. That was something I just couldn’t share with anyone. Every morning, I would get up and put on the invisible mask that hid how shredded my life was.

            Tonight was yet another elaborate scheme to cheer me up and get my mind off of things. My friends decided that a long night out ringing in the New Year was just what I needed to start fresh, to move forward. I had my doubts that this was going to make a difference or change anything for me. I knew I would go home and night would come restarting the vicious cycle of temporarily purging the pain from my body. I would finally allow the dam to break and the tears would flow until my eyes felt as if they had crushed glass in the lining their lids. It was inevitable.

            I was so lost in my thoughts; I had forgotten that I was being subjected to a makeover for the big event. This was another convoluted attempt to help build up my self-esteem. I knew however, I was really helping them by letting them think they were helping me. They were trying hard and I didn’t want to let them down. It was amusing sometimes the lengths they went to trying to put a smile on my face. They were my friends and I was willing to pretend to make them happy.

I really didn’t hear my friend Alex say my name until she began to shake me into reality. “Ivy….Ivy….Ivy Kelley!” Alex repeated a little more urgently each time as she gently jerked my shoulders.

            “What?” I blinked until her face came into focus. “What is it?”

Alex and I had been best friends for a long time. I always thought she had a mysterious beauty about her. She was short and pale with soft curly brown hair that fell in perfect spirals just past her shoulders. Her eyes reminded me of two big blue pools of Caribbean water and even though she was petite in size, she could be very intimidating. I was sure she could take down a grown man making him cry in the process. I was glad I was never in the path of her anger.

            “Are you in there?” Alex asked gently touching my chin and raising it slightly so I was now looking in her eyes in the reflection of the bathroom mirror.

“Yes,” I answered back half smiling. I averted my eyes to the sink in her bathroom as she returned her focus to my hair.

Alex had been my best friend since we were ten years old. We meet at the pool in our apartment complex on her tenth birthday. We were exactly six months apart in age and she liked to rib me about being the older one. We were instantly best friends, truly kindred spirits. We had been through so much growing up from my over possessive high school boyfriend and her over baring mother to going to separate schools and my moving away to another city. We always kept in touch and did things together when we could.

            She had taken the flashy, more boisterous lifestyle. She managed her own performance company which did everything from plays to burlesque. She was really good at what she did and very settled into her life. She helped design the costumes, did some of the stage make-up, and performed from time to time in the shows. Though she made a fantastic living and loved her job, it was something that I knew I could never do. I had too much stage fright and was utterly uncomfortable with the body God had given me. Alex thought I was being ridiculous and really wanted me to join her group but, I knew it wasn’t for me.

            I looked up from the basin and glanced at myself in the mirror. I started to look away again then double took the reflection. “Oh my God!” I gasped out loud astonished at the reflection staring back at me. I had always worn make-up but not like this. The image in the mirror that I saw now looked flawless. Somehow Alex had managed to change me from an average person to a beautiful woman whom I almost didn’t recognize. The transformation amazed me as I searched the reflection for some piece of myself I could identify as me. Then I looked into the brilliant green eyes staring back at me. They were a sure sign it was me in the mirror.

            I felt my eyes were one of my better traits. The smoky eye shadow that now adorned my eyelids made my eyes look bigger and greener than usual. I did however love the satiny red lipstick on my lips. Besides the color of my eyes, I felt my lips were another one of my better qualities. They were full, almost pouty and complimented my high cheek bones. I smiled at myself for just a moment watching the hint of a dimple appear on my left cheek. The dimple was definitely a gift I had inherited from my grandmother. She had two perfect dimples on either side of her face that always formed when she smiled. Just the thought of her reminded me that she was gone and how much I missed her.

In my moment of sorrow, I must have frowned because I heard Alex say, “Awww, you don’t like it.”

“No, I do!” I blurted out almost too quickly looking up at her. Alex narrowed her eyes skeptically. Then I added, “You made me look well……pretty.” I smiled sheepishly.

            “No my love”, she said turning my head to the mirror and leaning down to where her face was next to mine. “You are absolutely gorgeous!”

            I moved my eyes from her reflection to my own. Again I took in the image staring back at me. The bright green eyes, the full red lips, my brown hair parted on the right side flowing in an “S” curve around the left side of my face. The silky soft curls that hung down just past my shoulders were perfectly smooth. I knew that I couldn’t have gotten my hair to look like that even if I tried all day! It reminded me of a picture I had seen of Lauren Bacall. Alex had talent. There was no question about that.

            “And now for the outfit!” Alex exclaimed enthusiastically breaking into my train of thought.

            “Now I am scared.” I muttered as she pulled me to my feet. Alex began to drag me into her bedroom. My feet were sluggish from being still so long. I plopped down on her bed feeling my curls bounce around me as I landed on the deep blue soft satin bedspread. Her bedroom always fascinated me. She had so many interesting furnishings I could never decide on what my favorite one was. I really loved the large replica she had painted of the December 1917 cover of Vogue Magazine. The picture had a black background with a thin crescent moon. On the crescent sat a pale woman in a billowing white dress with pink, black, and white flowers on the sleeve and skirt. It was one of my favorites.

            “I think this will do the trick.” Alex’s voice made me feel a little nervous. I looked up to see her holding a sleeveless red taffeta cocktail dress with a boned bodice. It was a short dress, with a fitted drop waist, a flowing bubble skirt, and a loose ribbon sash that hung to the front left side of the waist.

            “You…you want me to wear that?” I my voice went up several octaves, as I stuttered. It had to be a joke. Alex knew that I would protest however she was prepared to defend her garment selection.

            “Uh…yeah…its New Year’s Eve and you don’t just wear anything to a party like this. Besides, you look great in red.” Alex stated matter-of-factly. She could see that I was a little uncomfortable. The delicate material of the dress alone could be a disaster for me. “If it will make you feel any better, I am wearing this!” Alex smiled wickedly as she held up a black dress with a straight skirt. The top looked to be formfitting with two jeweled buttons on the front just above the waist. The low neckline with a red satin collar looked as if it was cut to sit just off of the shoulders. The sleeves were long and slender and there was a wide red satin belt that sat high on the waist.

            “Now, I am going to put your things over here in the chair and leave so you can get dressed. Just come on out when you are finished.” Alex hurried out of the room shutting the door behind her.

            I stared at the door as I sat alone in the quiet room wishing already that this night was over. I knew this night was coming and we had been planning it for months. I just didn’t know how I would handle trying to pretend everything was ok when it really wasn’t. It had only been three weeks since the funeral and I was still a jumbled mess on the inside. I felt like I wanted to scream or curl up in a ball and let the crying begin. It was clawing at me just beneath the surface of my skin but I still sat in silence. I had to do this, not only for myself but for my friends as well. I couldn’t let them see how broken I really was.

I knew my grandmother wouldn’t want me to mourn her. She would want me to be happy and I wanted to honor that. It was just so hard. I didn’t know how to go on without her. I was sure she was finally with my grandfather but I was selfish and wanted her here with me. A part of me had died when she did and another piece of my heart was gone because of it. There was a hole in my life that was starting to consume me. I always knew it would be difficult for me when she passed away but I never fathomed it would be this bad.

All at once, I felt grief strike me as if it were a venomous snake biting my chest. Why couldn’t I get past this? My grandmother was dead and I believed she had gone to a better place. She never wanted to outlive her mind and it was tough watching her dementia rob her of all of her memories. In the end, I was glad she didn’t know what was going on because it would have made her unhappy. As I closed my eyes, I could almost see her walking in the sun filled meadow where she met my grandfather. She was much younger when I saw her like this. She was always smiling and happy. Couldn’t I find comfort in that? Shouldn’t the fact that she was in that meadow walking hand and hand with my grandfather enough? I envisioned the two of them together, finally reunited after twenty-two years apart. I started fighting against the pain that began spreading through my body. I was determined I was not going to cry. I needed to be strong even if it was just for a couple of hours. I was not going to ruin this for my friends.

            “I am not going to do this…I am not going to do this” I repeated as I growled through my clinched teeth and tightly closed eyes as if trying to force the emptiness out of my body. I felt the room begin to spin as I grabbed the side of my head with my hands. I pushed hard against the void from the inside out. Then, there was a faint sound and my eyes flew open. I froze as everything came back into focus. I quickly glanced across the room and my brain was processing the noise. It was the light cracking sound of glass and it sounded like it came from behind me. As I slowly turned to look behind me, I saw a glass on the night stand next to Alex’s bed. It had just a small bit of water in it so there was nothing unusual there. I got up and I walked over to the bedside table were the glass sat. Upon further observation, I noticed there was a small splintered crack veining out from the lip of it. I reached down to pick up the glass so I could examine it more closely. Suddenly, there were three loud thuds on the bedroom door. I jerked my hand back pulling it toward my chest as I wheeled around to the direction of the bedroom door, clutching my heart in panic.

            “Are you dressed yet? Did you fall asleep in there?” I heard Alex’s voice bellow through the wooden door. “You better not be messing up all of my hard work!”

            I stood frozen in place trying to slow my racing heart. I opened my mouth to answer her but nothing came out.

            “Hey…are you ok?” she asked in a more concerned tone.

I cleared my throat and swallowed hard trying to get out some form of an answer. I took in a deep breath. “Yeah, I ‘m fine,” I answered her as my voice cracked. “I’ll be out in just a minute.” I hurried over to where my clothes were lying. As I picked up the dress, I noticed the panty hose and the shoes that were hiding underneath where the dress had been.

“Ok.” Alex replied. I glanced at the door as I heard her walk back down the hall. I turned my focus back to the shoes in the chair.

            “She’s trying to kill me,” I mumbled as I picked up one of the black satin high heeled shoes in my free hand and held it out to look at it. I was not a fan of high heels and always felt uncomfortable in them. I dropped; half tossed the shoe back over to the chair and traded the dress for the package of panty hose. I frowned as I thought about being miserable both physically and emotionally but I knew I had to do it and my friends had to think that I had a great time. I took off the robe I had on and draped it over the back of the chair where my cocktail dress was laying.  I grunted as I shook my head and began to pull everything on.

            Once fully dressed, I walked over to the full length mirror and tilted it up so I could see how bad it really was. There I stood looking back at myself in the reflection all decked out and completely miserable. After a few fidgets and adjustments, I finally decided I was ready. I smoothed my hands down my hair as I sighed as I started to turn away from the mirror but noticed something strange out of the corner of my eye. I couldn’t be sure but it seemed the image was moving slightly faster than I was as I pivoted. I stopped and stared at my reflection. I turned my body to one side then the other then the other with a puzzled look. I finally shrugged it off as my imagination. My mental state must be worse than I thought! I think I am hallucinating! I thought and turned toward the bedroom door.

            In the hallway, I the whispering voices of Alex and my other best friend Amanda, or Mandy as we called her, coming from the living room. I heard my name and knew they were talking about me. I could tell they were still concerned about me so I knew I had to try a little harder at convincing them I was doing better even if it was a lie. Hearing Mandy’s voice made me remember the first time I had met her. It was our first year of high school and we had art class together. Once we started talking it was as if we had known each other forever.

            Mandy and Alex had similar personalities. They were both free spirits, well versed in literature, and both had an artsy flare. Even though they butted heads from time to time, we were all really close. Mandy was a little shorter than me and her skin was extremely pale. If she even thought about going in the sun she got sun burned. Her hair was a beautiful auburn color and it hung about midway down her back in wavy locks. Her eyes were a pale blue and they always sparkled when she smiled.

            As I started to walk down the hallway, I heard the whispering stop. I rounded the corner and there stood Alex, fully dressed in the satiny 1950’s inspired dress. She had all of her hair up in a French twist except the one ringlet that fell gently to the side of her neck. She had in rhinestone earrings and black satin “Rolando” heels that were higher than mine with red trim visible on the inside of the stiletto heel. I then saw Mandy peering around Alex. “Hey! You look fantastic!” Mandy exclaimed as she stepped to the side of Alex so I could see her in full view.

“So do you.” I answered back then corrected myself, “You both do!”

Mandy was wearing a liquid silver Grecian style short dress that was sleeveless with a scoop neck and gentle folds of fabric in the front. She then held up her arms like she was a model and pivoted to reveal the low back with more folds of fabric draping at her waist. As she turned back around, she stuck one of her legs out showing off her shoes. On her feet were silver strapped heels with little rhinestones embedded in the straps. The shimmering silver sparkled against her pale skin almost giving her a memorizing fluid like movement. I clapped and nodded in approval as wide smile came across my face.

“Now to complete you,” Alex spoke as she came toward me with some elegant black dangle earrings and a black beaded bracelet. She clipped the earrings to my ears and placed the bracelet on my wrist. “There….perfect.” she smiled as I shifted on my feet in my heels.

“And now to mark the occasion,” Mandy continued where Alex left off as she stepped toward her camera that was set up on a tripod in the middle of the living room. “You two get closer together and pose so I can set the focus and timer.” Mandy was a definite shutter bug and made her living as a freelance photographer. Alex made Mandy promise beforehand that she would not tote the big bulky camera around her neck all night. Reluctantly she had agreed with Alex as long as she could get a picture of all of us together. Mandy made a few adjustments to the angle of the camera and the focus. Once satisfied with all the settings, she pushed a button on the camera and ran over to take her place next to me.

“Say whiskey!!” Alex yelled. We all said it as we posed and we laughed through our smiles.

The camera flashed and Mandy ran over to check the photo. She seemed happy with the picture and dismantled the camera set up gently putting her camera down in her bag. I started to fumble with the sash on my dress as I thought I needed to say some form of a thank you to my two best friends. They had gone through a lot of trouble trying and make this night perfect.

“I really….I mean, I just want to…..well….thanks.” I was stammering around for the appropriate words and failed miserably as usual.

They both smiled at me just as the quiet buzzing of Alex’s cell phone relieved me of further embarrassment. I turned my focus to Mandy who was just finishing up with her camera. I smiled at her half heartedly.

“Oh you will have fun.” she insisted. “You need this! It’s all part of the Ivy support rehab program!” Mandy smiled jokingly as she lightly grabbed my arm and gently shook me back and forth.

I gave an absentminded nod as I looked down at the toe of my shoe. I was so thankful to have friends like Mandy and Alex. I would never give them any indication how damaged I was on the inside. I knew that in just a few hours, I would be alone again to suffer quietly behind closed doors. I just want this night to be over I thought to myself.

“What?” Mandy asked.

My astonished eyes flashed up to hers. I was sure that I didn’t speak a word out loud so I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders. “I didn’t say anything, “I said innocently.

“Oh….I could have sworn I heard you mumble something….must have heard Alex.” I wondered what was going on with me. Was I so out of it that I could not even tell that I was really talking? Was reality slipping from me more than I realized? I needed to be more careful that remarks like that stayed in my head. I wouldn’t dare hurt either of their feelings no matter what was going on with me.

I looked up as Alex snapped her cell phone shut. A big smile fell across her face “Get your coat girls, our chariot awaits!” Alex headed for the door with her coat in hand. Mandy and I grabbed our wraps and we all left the apartment to ring in the New Year.

 

 

Author's Note

More tweaking of Chapter 1. Yay!

Reviews

[Lauren Marie]

It was a good read, but here are some things that may need tweaking,

1. "It was as if someone had cut open a down pillow and shaking its contents out all over the town." Oh wait, this sentence is beautiful! I always love a good simile!

2. " ... she was with my grandfather, Cavin, whom she had loved so dear." This sentence would sound better if it was "dearly."

3. "The shimmering silver sparkled against her pale skin almost giving her a memorizing fluid like movement."
Instead of "memorizing," I think you meant "mesmerizing."

4. You wrote the word "ok," a few times, when the word is really "okay."

All of those are simple fixes, and I didn't notice anything major, except at some points a comma would be nice.

All in all, I liked this chapter. It kept me interested enough to want to know what happens next!

~Lauren

[LaineyBeetle]

This chapter sounds great so far Emmie! I think it may still need a little polishing but all in all I enjoyed myself the whole way through and being a female, I could relate to all that girly stuff! It wasn't just about the clothes it was about establishing the dynamics of the character's friendships - I get that! :) I also appreciated the larger type. For some reason it doesn't feel as daunting as smaller text and is more enjoyable to read - I felt less rushed to get through each paragraph. If I can see what is coming next just underneath what I am reading I tend to skip ahead and spoil it - so the larger type helped me to take it all in at a more enjoyable pace. I'm really intrigued by the strange goings on that have Ivy feeling as if she is losing touch with reality - I'm looking forward to reading part two so I can discover what is actually behind all the mystery! I think you have done an excellent job with this one and you should definitely continue what you have begun. I was wondering - you seem to know these characters so initmately they couldn't possibly be entirely made up - have you based them on real life people or is it completely fiction?

[Voice]

I really like this so far there a lot of emotions I can relate to. you have such a gift of putting your feelings and experiences into words I envy that :) ill keep reading�

[Bhavya Kaushik]

Ah! This is so heart touching and beautifully sad...
really , it touched the very core of my heart!
Very well penned!

[Charles D. Moorer]

A very fine use of first person. Your reader is slowly drawn into the story with a good foreshadowing, the image in the mirror. I know you have this listed as a chapter, but it is really a segment within a chapter. There is a good bit of taking you reader through women's stuff, which I thought was unnccessary, but it moves the story. Great attention to detail, but not overwhelming detail. I especially like when you have the girls take the picture, I clearly saw that. Very nicely written, though there are some word choices, I would avoid, but as this is a first rough dreaft, I am sure that when you review and rewrite, you will see what I mean.

[[untitled]]

still good even though its a rough draft

[Eagle Cruagh]

I am obviously a guy and after wading through
a designer scarf as opposed to an open blouse for
the best part of a chapter I began to get antsy.

You pulled me back in and made me sit quietly by
virtue of double spacing, nice large type and a fluid
writing style. I did`nt have to struggle, I just sat there
and you had my reading all arranged.

Finally, I gave up on the pleated skirt and the shade of
'lip stick and just started to admire the form and substance
of the writing.

Having read a lot of junk , this began to really intrigue me.
No ! Not the story, I`m still trying to figure out what that
girl talk was all about, what interests me now is the absolute
perfection with which it was written.

I`ll have to stop now, but I could rave about that nice writing
for another hour.

You have done an amazing piece of work.

----- 'Eagle Cruagh