Let me go...Or not?

True story based on a time in my life where depression took over and I wanted to end it all... or so I thought. This story is a little dark and please look at the tags as it contains it all.

 I was around the age of sixteen when I hit the deepest depression of my life. When I wasn't skipping classes, I was in the school bathroom crying my eyes out. I never really knew why I was so depressed nor could I admit that I was depressed. It didn't help that I was very shy and didn't have any friends. The other kids didn't go out of their way to talk to me even if we were forced to group together for projects. I always fought to sit in the back of class and make myself as invisible as possible, though it never really worked. I'd get strange looks from people or unwanted attention. An example of this was Spanish class. I always wore hoodies, jeans and tennis shoes even if it was a hundred degrees out. One day I choose to dress up a bit and wore a tank top underneath a cute blouse. I wore the tank top because I feared showing too much skin as I normally didn't show anything other than my face. Well, I sat in the back of Spanish class like usual and two girls went out of their way to tell everyone I was a s**t and a B****. Of course after this matter I started to ditch those classes more and more, especially since the teachers didn't do anything about it because the girl lied to them and pleaded innocent.

Around this same time I began self-harm. It never actually helped like all these "Emo" kids on the internet would say. Matter of fact, it made it worse and the emotional pain got worse. I began thinking about suicide more and more. My mental state started to break down and fast. 

I'd be on the computer listening to music and a song would come on and the moment it'd play i'd find myself balling my eyes out, on the floor, with a pain in my chest. I would start crying out, "Stop, please stop. Help me." I felt... possessed. Those break downs would occur more and more and it scared me half to death. It never happened around anyone, only when I was alone and something like a song to trigger it. I never felt like myself when this happened. I felt like something else was trying to hurt me and inflict the emotional pain I was going through.  

I never told anyone about these... episodes because I feared I'd be told I was crazy and sent to an institution. Most of what happened around this time in my life is now a blur. My brain seemed so scrambled that t was hard to remember some of it. 

There was one evening where I was in a particular dark spot in my mind. I wanted to end it. End the pain. End my life. End it all. I wanted to think clearly but that is something I fail to do even today. My mind is always going a million miles per hour and I can't seem to turn my mind of to relax. However, I just walked over to my bed, laid down and I had an experience that changed my life forever.  I've always believed in God and after this night it strengthened what relation ship I have with Him. I don't know if it was Him, a guardian Angel, a Spirit Guide, some inner piece of me, or what this was. I feel I will never have the answer to this life changing moment but I am at peace with that. 

I laid down in bed and just looked up at the ceiling. Next thing I knew I couldn't feel my body. I didn't even have one as it felt. I remember seeing nothing but black. My mind had gone blank. I had no more rushing thoughts in my head. No pain. No... nothing. If I had a word for what this experience felt like, it'd be Heaven. I felt so blissful, so pure, so amazing. It's hard to put this into words. Then I heard a voice. It wasn't my voice, that I could tell. 

This voice said these exact words,"Do you want to live or die?" I never felt so peaceful in my entire life and hearing the voice made me feel happy. I replied to the voice and said, "Yes." Slowly things started coming back to me. I could see my white ceiling again and feel my body once more.  I was still relaxed but I was normal again. It was this moment I realized I wasn't breathing. I hadn't been breathing the entire time! 

I slowly took a breath and began breathing like normal. I didn't turn blue or gasp for air. I simply didn't need to breath during this... experience. I don't know how long I was like that because I had no sense of time. I wouldn't trade what happened for the world. After that moment in my life I was able to fight off my depression. I had no more random break downs. I never self-harmed again. My emotions and mind felt like they were once again my own. I no longer felt like I was fighting off some sort of demon. 

Today, I am healthy adult making my way through life. The past is the past. Someone or something was watching over me and protecting me that night and I am forever thankful. 

Some times life will feel impossible but let me tell you that it's not. You may be at rock bottom but once you hit that point the only way is UP. If you're reading this and struggling with life I want you to look at yourself in the mirror and say, "I love you. Things will get better." Never forget that the world doesn't control you. YOU control YOU. You have the power to make your own happiness. It really took me a lot to type this out. Never in my life have I told anyone what has happened. 

 

Author's Note

Tell me what you feel! This is all based on a true story and I thought i'd share it with you! Feel free to share the grammar mistakes as I look to improve my writing skills.

Reviews

[nightshade]

As someone who still has these feelings you are incredibly brave. What you have written was so emotional, so honest and so sad. What you have gone through is something that has touched many people but hopefully we can all end up loving ourselves.