Crazy Fish

this is all 100% true.

Sunday night, I arrived home from work a bit after 9pm. as usual, my roommate was in bed and the house was dark. As usual, I made my way to the living room to sit down on the couch and enjoyed a bit of time messing around on the computer. I turned on the light next to the fish tank, like I always do, and turned around to remove my jacket. As I do so, I hear *thunkthunkthunkthunk*

Is that the fish?

I whip back around, and there's Rosie bouncing across the tank like a pinball on speed. I just watch, unsure of how to react, as she slams herself into all four sides and the lid, causing it to actually open a little and then slam back shut.

What the f**k is going on?

She slams around a little more, then SUDDENLY

Whoooosh, she sails right out of the tank, through a small opening in the back. In a nice little arc, there she goes, onto the couch.

I hear the tiniest *thud* and my mouth is gaping.

LOLWUT the hell is going on? What do I do? How do I get the fish back in?

Oven mitt, I need an oven mitt. Kitchen, f**k, go into the kitchen.

So I run into the kitchen, throw open the drawer with the oven mitts and grab the first one I see. Okay, it's easy, just pick up the fish, plop her back in. is she still alive? F**k, I waited too long. She's gonna die. Kelsey’s gonna hate me.

Okay, she's still on the couch, under a pillow. I pick it up reeaaallll slow, and look at her. She’s still moving. Cool. Not dead. Just reach out, scoop her up...

FLOP FLOP FLOP

F**k, dropped her. Now she's between the cushions. Do I get Kelsey? I should. I should wake Kelsey.

Kelsey? Pop my head in the door. Kelsey? You up?

No, she's not. The dog is though, and follows me back to the living room. Fish is still flopping. Malaka, get back. Would she eat it? Let’s not test it. How long has it been now? S**t. I need something else.

Fish net. That’s what it's for, catching' fish. Oven mitt plus net. I got this.

Poke, poke, scoop

FLOP FLOP FLOP

Aw, d****t. There she goes again. Under another pillow. What the hell am I supposed to do? I need a container.

Kitchen, kitchen, kitchen. Pitcher? Eugh. It’s got something gross on the bottom. Everything is dirty. Everything is always dirty, what a pain. That pot looks clean...does it have a lid? F*****g perfect. Okay, oven mitt, pot, lid. NOW I got her.

Back in the living room, she's gotta be sedate by now if she hasn't died yet. Ooh, boy. Nervous. She’s not moving, f**k f**k f**k.

I can't leave her on the couch. Okay, scoop with pot. Get her in there.

FLOP FLOP FLOP FLOP FLOP FLOP

Holy s**t she's still alive?! Now I need Kelsey. I can't catch this stupid thing. Kelsey? Kelsey? Head in the door again, they can you get up? I need your help getting Rosie back in the tank.

I...what? What do you mean back in the tank?

I mean she jumped out. Like ten minutes ago. I can't catch her.

We both go to the living room. Kelsey’s squinting all sleepy-eyed, my heart is pounding a million miles a minute and I scoop the fish one last time with the pot. Oh god, she's in. she's in and not flopping. Okay, slowly to the tank...slowly...

FLOP FLOP FLOP SPLASH

Dear god, she's back in. quick! Close the top!

She’s floating to the bottom, she looks dazed. How long without breathing like fish should breathe?

That fish is a goddamn psycho thing.

 

Just for the record, three minutes later, she was swimming around like nothing was wrong. And eating the couch fuzzies that kept falling off of her.

 

Reviews

[Charity]

i can't believe this story is true! i have fish too and they do this, but not this bad, they just bang themselves against one side, they've done it a few times, i was just glad that my cats weren't in there when the fish got out...love it!