The Mighty Do Fall

Sort of a fun story

Said the mighty moon to the stars,

"Look how small you all are!
I bring light to the world,
Time after time,
As you all struggle from afar".

"While I stand alone,
You serve me, and my throne;
No one cares much for a star".

The stars for years had served the moon
With not so much as a single outcry,
But one brave star,
With passion in his heart, yelled,
"Alone we may be small, but together we fill the sky!".

"Oh my what is this?" The mighty moon sneered.
"A tiny yell filled with pride? Please tell me more,
Shine bright, do not hide!"

The outspoken star
Had inspired a few more
To raise their voice
And speak their mind.

"You're as hard as stone".
"And as cold as ice".
"Changes in you bring troubled tides".

"You wax and you wane,
Diminishing with each phase".
"We bring life long after we die,
Shining still bright after our days".

"What hope we bring as we fall!".
Then the star who spoke first,
Perhaps said it best of all,

"One night you show full,
But that should not bring you such pride,
There's also one night,
You struggle to shine at all".

The stars then all began to sing
Together, a night-sky harmony.
The man in the moon then began to weep,
Thew himself at their feet,

His throne fallen, and gone.

Then in his utter defeat,
He slunk off in retreat,
To give way to the morning Sun.

Reviews

[DCT ponderings]

It beckoned the power of individual voices when come together creating something quite bright. There is nothing like the splendor of a star filled night. I liked the dialogue.

Reminded me of my favorite poem and the only one I have memorized called the man in the moon written for me by a friend years ago.

[Emily Feret]

Wow, I loved what you just wrote. Thank you so so much for your review! :)

[Rachel Anderson]

I love how you gave personification to the man in the moon. Such a lovely allusion. Well written; I certainly enjoyed it!

[Emily Feret]

What a compliment! Thank you!

[Rachel Anderson]

You're welcome! :)

[emmajoy]

I want to cheer and applaud.. in fact, think I will! What a glorious poem, though could so easily be a story, a sort of metaphorical fairy tale. Occasionally your meter flies off a little but your phrasing is very good, smooth, graceful and has left me feeling smile.filled and ready for the week. Thank you so much for sharing.

[Emily Feret]

Well that brought a big smile to my face. Thank you so so much!

[emmajoy]

My pleasure. :)

[Rita L. Sev]

Yeah - you go, Stars! Teamwork beats personal arrogance every time, even in the vastness of space - I love it! A fun, vibrant write!

[Emily Feret]

Thank you!

[Karl Woof Junior]

omg what a read, genius, that moon sure did learn a valuable lesson

[Emily Feret]

Thank you!

[Leeza]

This is a really good piece of creative writing. There is a good build up in the tone and I found myself reading in tune with the pace. A clever piece of writting!!

[Emily Feret]

What a compliment! Thank you!

[Augustus]

Quite an engaging little story. I like your rhymes. They are cute and offhand and go well with the spirit in which the story is being told. I like the idea of one brave little star standing up to the mighty moon. It establishes a natural framework for the poem to be allegorical. I think you could have made the end a lot stronger. I thought it was rather abrupt and drastic, given that the moon hadn't really lost much beyond one argument. I think an element that you missed here is the leading role that you could have given the sun. The sun is after all a star. So the sun, as a leader of all the stars overthrowing the moon would have been more compelling than the moon simply "giving way" to the sun. But that's just my opinion.

From a technical standpoint, though, I have a problem with the following lines

"The outspoken star
Had inspired a few more
To raise their voice
And speak their mind."

These lines are prose. Not poetry. You can just read them together as one sentence. This has to be avoided assiduously. Bring in more imagery, more metaphors. Add a little more subtlety. It will significantly elevate the aesthetic quality of the poem.

Please take the critical comments in a positive sense. I think you have the raw material to be a good poet. Be creative and keep writing! :)

[Emily Feret]

Hey that's why we share poetry isn't it???! Thank you!!

[Larry Dyson]

yes...was imagining the stars to say "yet you so full of your shine and self, are only a reflection of your brother the sun...we were all suns once upon a time as well."

[Emily Feret]

beautiful!

[Brandon S. Whitten]

Excellent read and write. Sounds like it could be a children's story.

[Emily Feret]

I hope to write a childrens story one day!

[Amy Azra Dean]

This poem has really stood out for me from your work, even though I like them all :) But I feel this seems really rounded and tells a lovely story, its complex told in a very simple manner and for that i like it a lot!

"You wax and you wane,
Diminishing with each phase".
"We bring life long after we die,
Shining still bright after our days".

How sweet,concise and true. Loved it. Well done.

[Emily Feret]

Thank you so so much Amy for your wonderful review!

[Jack...]

very, very cool. This was truly imaginative.

[Emily Feret]

Thank you Jack :)